THE BEST SONG OF 2004 IN 2016

Kanye sayin wild shit about a Republican prez and Twista dropped a jack-rabbit love sawng over an old soul sample. Where the wrinkle at, space time continuum? Why we in some shitty version of 2004?

The Rose Royce sample is deployed somewhat unimaginatively, but who cares? Soundbreaking, maybe. The PBS program recently did an episode on hip-hop producers, focusing mainly on the contributions of such Caucasoids as Rick Rubin, The Dust Brothers, and Arthur Baker. The Dust Brothers produced, what, two albums anyone cares about? And the only one that's (arguably) a hip-hop record is Paul's Boutique? IMO, their best work is Hanson's "MMMBop."

We ain't racist here. We got much respect for whitey's contributions to the art of beatsmithing. But if they was gonna focus on melanin-deficient pioneers, why couldn't they give shine to Paul C, Mike Dean, and the Tuff Jew himself, Sir Scott Storch? George Martin, if u was still alive u would be an enemy of RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA. Everyone knows you was just a schoolmarm for the White Beatles.

GOT A RAP SHEET LONGER THAN MY BLOG ROLL

Ya boy just caught a charge on some flimflam. It is what it is, mayne. We was all sittin around watching Donald Trump sitting in a spray-painted gold chair. He was talkin to Lesley Stahl on that tick-tick-tick program. I stood up on the chair and started spittin fire: Jail is bad / This shit ain't rad / Make me so mad / Where the YouTube at? DJ Vlad. The trustee came up, handed me his Pono, and said, "Brother, Nipsey Hussle did it already." I began to cry.

1. Sittin in my cell, all I did was pray...
Tbh, I was mainly thinkin about asses and wondering if my mattress was a repurposed gym mat.

2. Called home once a week and tell my people I'm ok
If Nipsey was able to call out, he worth his weight in gelt. Them jail phones is an exercise in futility. Even if you get your peoples on the line, it's gonna disconnect before they can figure out the collect-call protocol. No wonder they sneakin smartphones in, cause these phones ain't even dumb - they just some dicks. Maybe he only called home once a week cause that's how long it took to get through.

3. Ask me if I'm stressin, I say 'Hell no, I'm straight,' / But you can see the difference cause it's written on my face
First thing they did was play a DVD on buttrape and I'm like

4. I been workin out, I been gaining weight
I was doin elevated push-ups and dips on my bedframe, but there were no good ways to work out the traps or lats. Smh, welcome to Trump AmeriKKKa. And gainin weight? How you gaining weight off a slice of baloney and American cheese? They did give us cookies at every meal. Know why? Cause we got the key 2 da sweetz!

5. I been having dreams about the day they crack the gate
You expect it to be like the intro for Ready To Die where they like, "Bet we gonna see your fat ass again, Biggie," and he's like, "Haha yeah right, I got big plans!", but they just said, "A'ight peace," and I went to the gas station to buy a protein-infused Starbucks doubleshot and a pack of cigarettes.

6. Planned to take over the world, I just ended up in jail
The realest line of the song. Few things more humbling than bein a grown-ass man stuck in a cell. You don't realize the freedom in being able to open a door until it's taken away.

FINAL VERDICT: Better than "Ball and Chain" by Social Distortion. These days I'm siding more and more wit FrankieThaLuckyDog's boredom with raps about money and all that unrighteous Babylon talk. I wanna hear about jerking off to King magazine and eatin baby carrots with a plastic spoon. A-Wax 'n' Nipsey remaking "Ball and Chain" w/ Mike Ness make it happen Internet make it happen.

DANCEHALL MUSIC HYSTERIA, #5: ATTACK OF DA CLONE

This guy buggin me out. He look like Vybz, sound like Tommy Lee Sparta, and dress like Michael Jackson. How they lettin a guy who looks like the reanimated corpse of a teenage pimp substitute-teach our video hoes? Public education system in shambles, blood. Strangest of all, a guy who looks like the personification of depravity—a dancehall Dorian Gray—chose as his subject matter a matter so triflin' as booty shaking. At least he scores w/ the principyal at the end of the video, lookin like the setup of a Brazzers sex travelogue. There was a Brazzers on Greensleeves back in the day, right? Think he cut some records with Sizzla.