GUEST POST: NEW YEAR'S RAP MUSINGS FROM A PROFESSIONAL GLASS POLISHER!

As many of y'all know, I run shit in Jax Hole.  From da ski slopes to da flourishing drug trade, I'm well-known like the number man.  I used to slang herb to this herb named Fezziwig.  He wore a fedora and had a large collection of Japanese swords.  All he did was smoke weed by himself and play World of Warcraft.  I ran into him at the Million Dollar Cowboy Bar the other day and he bugged me about writing for my extremely successful rap website until I said, "Aight."  Here we go!

The clock passed midnight, a grinning crowd of rubes watched the ball drop in Times Square, and 2012 floundered into the annals of history.  It was New Year's Eve and I was polishing $4 glassware for less than minimum wage.

I regarded the customers with scorn.  Drunk idiots with too much expendable income blowing noisemakers like idiot children.  "BMF" by Rick Ross floated from out of the kitchen.  We shucked and jived to the anthemic throb, trying to forget that we were actually making money at the rate of a slow trickle.

"Bands A Maker Her Dance" came next.  I wondered what a stripper feels on New Years.  Maybe it's better to start the year in a G-string than polishing water spots off a water glass.  Rick Ross bellowed, "Deez niggas won't hold me back!," and I increased my polishing speed.  But deez niggas were holding us back: busted economy, the development of an American oligarchy, all the lies, the goddamn lies!  Where is our recession rapper, one who would rap about being broke and working a job beneath your dignity?  Of realizing exactly how little your college degree is worth in today's economy?  All we have is a cartoonish, nearly self-parodic celebration of capitalism.  We love rap music as an opiate that helps us believe in a failed system.

I decided it was time to take action.  I would no longer debase myself by listening to escapist drivel.  No more rap music for me!  But then I remembered my duty as a busboy and how bad I would feel if someone died from a water spot I'd failed to remove, so I polished bravely into the future as the old world, foaming at the mouth, clipped rabidly at my heels.

BEST O' THE YEAR 2012 Y'ALL!

Another year down in the books.  It's been a good one, yo!  Personally, I been runnin shit in the J-Hole (Wyoming, stand up!) makin mad cream thru illegal means; I also got my ski instructor's license.  As far as rap goes, shit been poppin off dis year.  Let's get get get it!

2CHAINZ
He sound like a drunk uncle/goose, but you couldn't fux with the Feature King of 2012.  He'd just show up on some track, have a few great put-downs and an equal number of groaners, all delivered in an awkward, often off-beat braying.  Rap game DON RICKLES crossed with FOZZY BEAR and maybe even a little BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT.  You know why that new A$AP single sounds like it ain't even his song? Cause 2CHAINZ on it.  Well, 2CHAINZ and DRAKE, a/k/a the 21st c. rap game MARK PRICE and BRAD DAUGHERTY.

 

BLACK HIPPY/TDE

Yeah, everyone on KENDRICK LAMAR'S cojones, and rightfully so: he dropped da album of the year.  And unlike the flawed Section 80 LP, he didn't make any major aesthetic missteps, e.g. putting an MOR/Kevin Rudolf-type whiteboy singer on the chorus.  Real talk, that's one of the biggest evils in rap music these days (see BIG BOI'S Sir Lucious Left Foot for the gravest example).  But on top o' that, the underrated AB-SOUL dropped the quasi-conceptual Control System, an album that taught everyone at least one new vocabulary word ("chattel" in my case -- thanks Ab!).  And SCHOOLBOY Q continued to sound bemused and spiteful on Habits & Contradictions, talkin bout drunk drivin and all the things I love.

JUICY J - "BANDS A MAKE HER DANCE"
Dis was the biggest surprise of the year for me.  Never thought JUICY J would reinvent himself as a lovable, ageless rake, unapologetic about his inability to resist certain vices (ratchet pussy, drugs, etc).  This shit is still gettin overplayed, but still gets ppl hyped when it comes on, perhaps because it has an elusive flash of truth embedded in its Dionysian revelry.

TRINIDAD JAME$
Fuck y'all.  Lots of heads was sayin that DRAKE'S "Bitch you wasn't with me shooting in the gym" was the year's best line.  I mean it's fun to say and all, but really?  We can do better, America.  The best line of the year was obviously TRINIDAD JAMES' "Pop a molly, I'm sweatin! Woo!"  The runners-up are 2 CHAINZ' a/k/a Hair Weave Killa's "When ya girl leave me, she need a hair salon!," JUICY J'S "You say no to ratchet pussy / Juicy J cain't," and 2 CHAINZ' "She got a big booty, so I call her big booty."  There were no other good rap lines this year.  Sorry.

THIS PHOTO OF JAY-Z
Damn, look how old he look; moreover, how stupid he looks in that BBC sweatshirt and backwards cap.  You like 46, B!  Wear some age appropriate attire - Sperry topsiders, baggy Dockers, raggedy ass polo shirts. Until then, JIGGA has officially entered "Cool Dad" territory.

MEEK MILL
Along with 2CHAINZ, MEEK MILL owned this year.  He had the radio hits and rapped circles round the comp on Dreamchasers 2.  More importantly, he was involved in one of the funniest rap stories of the year, i.e., his presence in DRAKE'S posse when CHRIS BROWN got his face busted open by an errant champagne bottle.  Thank you for your service, Milly.

TRINIDAD JAME$ IS DA DOWN SOUTH A$AP ROCKY

So dis old head named Q-TIP obliquely dissed DEF JAM via the Twitter back like 2 weeks ago.  For those who don't know, Q-TIP was a member of A TRIBE CALLED QUEST, then a solo artist, and now a basketcase on some LAURYN HILL/SLY STONE-type breakdown; DEF JAM was a record label, a corporate enterprise that produced and distributed musical recordings back when such things were available exclusively thru physical media (CD, LP, cassette).

So Q-TIP called out DEF JAM for losing they way or some bullshit and certain members of the peanut gallery decided this dyspepsia was directed at their new artist TRINIDAD JAME$, who recently signed for $2 mil.  Mr. JAME$ only been rapping for a few months or some shit, and I guess mad heads have a problem with this.  I don't know.  It ain't really about rappin per se anymore...more about how compelling your brand/image is to the Tumblr market.  In this way, TRINIDAD JAME$ calls to mind A$AP ROCKY, a serviceable albeit unspectacular rapper whose mixtape LIVELOVEA$AP was nevertheless dope on the strength of ill CLAMS CASINO beats and A$AP'S blackman hipster persona.  He found a niche in the market and executed nicely.  Nuff respect.

TRINIDAD JAME$ is basically a southern A$AP: good-but-not-great-rapper with dope beats.  And for those ol bitches who gon be like, "Oh shucks, he cannot rap!  Waaaah, real hip-hip hop, etc etc," then take two listens to a GROUP HOME album and get back to me.  THOSE motherfuckers rapped like they were constipated and had a head cold - and they was boring as shit, I'm talkin zilcho personality - but they got by on the strength of those DJ PREMIER beats.  Add an interest in fashion (reclaiming sandals in the "All Gold Everything" video after they were defamed by JAY-Z or JIM JONES [I can't remember]), some trendy drug talk (pop a molly he sweatin, WOO!), knock-off CLAMS CASINO/"trillwave" beats, a Southern drawl to make it superficially more ignorant and BOOOOOOOOOM: southern A$AP, right down to the dollar sign in the name.

Peace sluts.

SOME PEDOPHILE TELLS US WHY NELLY'S "RIDE WIT ME" IS HIS FAVORITE SONG

Even tho NELLY is obviously one of the G.O.A.T.'s, we here at RPA MUSIC HISTORIA! always thought "RIDE WIT ME" was mad suspect.  I was chillin with some pedos the other day and we got to talkin bout hip-hop.  I was like, "Yo, I can't fuck wit u on that pedophilia shit, but I agree, MIKE JONES was killin shit in '05."  I asked one of da pedos if I could transcribe our conversation and he said, "Sho nuff."

RMH: Yo.  First of all, thanks for takin time outta your child-diddlin schedule to speak to us.  We truly appreciate it.
PEDO: No prob, dawg.
RMH: Chuuch.  So you like NELLY?
PEDO: Yeah, I'm feelin him n shit.  He ain't really my type or nothin, but when he wears that Band Aid under his eye -- I like that look.  Reminds me of when one of my shorties gets a boo boo on the playground.

RMH:  That titillates you?
PEDO: Mad titillating, son.
RMH:  Word.  So what's your favorite NELLY song?
PEDO: "Ride Wit Me," dawg!  That song's straight up pedophilic!
RMH: Is that a good thing?
PEDO: That's the upper echelon, boy!
RMH: Break it down, playbwoy.
PEDO: Well the lyrics "If you wanna go and take a ride wit me" reminds me of back when I was allowed  within 1000 ft. of a school, getting some young men into my '84 Plymouth Voyager with the promise of some candied bon bons.

RMH: What kind of candy did you use to lure these shorties?
PEDO: Straight Willy Wonka, dawg!  The kids love those Bottle Caps, Laffy Taffy, Gobstoppers especially.
RMH: You one sick fuck, dawg.
PEDO: Sho nuff.
RMH: Continue with yo extrapolation.
PEDO: Aight, well the lyric "We 3-wheelin in the fo'" obviously refers to ridin tricycles with 4 year-olds.
RMH: I don't think so...
PEDO: Only God can judge me, B.
RMH: You can fit on a tricycle?  You like 5'10".
PEDO: Fo sho.  I had a Big Wheel made custom for me.

RMH: Damn homie, I think that's the most disturbing part of your story so far.
PEDO: Fuck you, fuckboy.
RMH: I don't even wanna know how you interpret the line, "Lookin for a little shorty hot and horny so that I can take home."
PEDO: That lyric never really spoke to me.
RMH: Really?
PEDO: Naw dawg, I'm just clownin.  I used to beat off to that line while reading a copy of Highlights magazine I stole from a pediatrician's office.

RMH: Well thanks for the look into your disturbing world, playa.
PEDO: It's all good.
RMH: Any last words?
PEDO: Big ups to all my fellow pedos livin outside the law.  People look down on us, but we just doin our thang.  Fuck the police!  You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy."
RMH: Ok ok we get it.
PEDO: Houston we have a problem.  ET phone home.  Royal with cheese.  And you will know my name!  Here's lookin at you kid.  Party on, Garth.

DOES GUCCI MANE NEED HIS REQUISITE 8 HOURS OF SLEEP A NIGHT OR DOES HE JUST NEED TO SNORT BLOW IN THE STUDIO?

Sup to all the headshakers and anonymous cretins.  We finna do this once again again.  So yo, like many a rap listener, I got swept up by the GUCCI MANE frenzy of '09.  My dude was killin it with the mixtapes - BURRPRINT 3, GUCCI SOSA, COLD WAR SERIES.  Like, he was goin off to the fullest!  Then he got locked up and checked into a mental health clinic and got a scoop of Ben & Jerry's tattooed on his cheek and kinda dropped off da rap map.

But never fear!  GUCCI dun returned with some fly shit!  TRAP GOD marks the return of that outlandish, impish GUCCI character we all love so much.  But am I da only one who notices the weariness in GUCCI's voice?  Maybe it's a symptom of age - a wiser, more contemplative GUCCI.  Or perhaps he's reluctantly accepted the repetition inherent to an established rap persona; that he is doomed to rap about bezels and trapping and fly bitches in a prison of his own making.  You can hear a similar abatement of aggression in RAEKWON's voice, another rapper who painted himself into a cocaine corner after CUBAN LINX.  Or I dunno maybe he was just RICK JAMES level coked up back in those halcyon '08/'09 days.

RICK ROSS IS THE EPHEMERAL MOMENT

"I like listening to RICK ROSS on the way to my minimum wage job.  It provides me with the motivation necessary to chase that paper; to swallow my pride for another day and suffer the thinly veiled condescension of the leisure class sucklin pon da fat o' the land."

That's what some phag said to me the other day.  I nodded my head in assent, but really I was thinkin, "Dawg, you take shit way too seriously!"  I be listening to RICK ROSS in the same way I like watching a fucking STEVEN SEGAL movie or some shit.  It's the  kind of overwrought fantasy that momentarily allows us to escape the hideous boredom of the quotidian grind.  And fo sho we laughin at ROZAY just as much as we clownin on SEGAL fo his bufoonery!

But yo, errytime a new RICKY album comes out I be thinkin, "Damn he done come out with another classic!  ROSS got that MICHAEL BAY swag!  Lush cinematics!  Rap game SIDNEY LUMET!"  But the euphoria of a new installment in neon candy-dipped ROZAY land - a land of opulent freeway overpasses, strip clubs sticky with spilled champagne, and many many XXXL Hanes white tees - is as temporary and fleeting as the high from ROZAY'S favorite subject matter (cocaine [btw]).  Hits hard and quick.  And is there anything wrong with that?  I dunno.  I be snorting mad lines of yayo, so I says yes.

FACT CHECKING DEPT: NY TIMES JOURNO CALLS ANDREW WK A RAPPER

Damn doggie, it been a minute ain't it?  I'm not gonna lie.  To paraphrase Stephen A. Smith, "Quite frankly, I knocked a girl up."  But it's all good now - let's not talk about it anymore.  It's in the past.

Yo, I know this a rap blog and all, but I'm also a journalist, and I be holdin' da media to standards of practice and shit.  I always be seeing mistakes and shit in so-called reputable publications, and when I see dat, I be like, "That's the shit I don't like."

Some of you flowerpot heads might have seent in the news that ANDREW W.K. was tapped as a cultural ambassador to Bahrain (dunno where that is, but I bet it is a shitty place).  Then like the fuckboys they is, the US State Department rescinded da invitation!  Wack shit, son.  But even wacker was the NY TIMES referring to AWK as "Andrew W.K., a rapper and party-anthem rocker," whom the fuckboy State Dept rejected "after they reviewed his work."  Sounds like you ain't reviewed his work yoself, homebwoy!

Like da irate media watchdawg I is, I immediately Googled tha author of this misinformation, JAMES C. MCKINLEY JR.  A lil background: homie went to Cornell University, Mizzou Journo School and got some blemishes on his record (no homo).  I wanted to hate tha dude, but then I saw this nutso Anti-Islamic blog that took Mr. McKinley to task.  Y'all can read up on that bullshit on they website, but the crux of the matter is this: when a nutjob punk emailed McKinley a stangry response for "failing" to identify a mass-murderer as a jihadist, McKinley responded with a terse "Fuck you" - no period even!  Gangsta shit!  And fo that, he earnded my respect.  Carry on, Mr. McKinley!