LET US REMEMBER: LIL BOOSIE

 

Sup hoodrats?  It's ya boy, back in the building.  As any hip-hop head worth his salted peanuts knows, da god LIL BOOSIE is currently incarcerated on some bullshit.  But yo, even though he look like a lil adorable goblin, homie could spit with the fluidity.

Peep him goin wile in this clip.  Guest appearances by an incapacitated lookin' goon and some goofy-ass randoms at the end.

And please, pray for Boosie.  He is very little and, as you can see in these clips, has a joyous and childlike smile.  I truly fear for the state of his butthole.

FLOPPY HAIRED DORK SLAMS THE NEW 2 CHAINZ ALBUM

Peace to all the suckas, hoes and skeezers out there.  RAP HYSTERIA! is in the building once again again.  Time to do this shit!

Aight, so as erryone knows, 2 CHAINZ been blowin up this year.  He's aight and whatever, got some hot guest verses here and there, e.g. "Beez In Da Trap" and that dope line "Coupe the color of mayonnaise" on "Mercy," but most of the time I think he sounds like a drunk Bill Cosby croaking in the gutter.  I heard the horrendously titled T.R.U. REALigion mixtape (what's up with his Tru Religion fetish?  Them shits is ugly, dogg), and it had some jams on it but nothing life changing.

That said, some dude named Randall Roberts (LA Times) slammed homeboy's debut album.  I guess it shouldn't matter what he looks like, but it totally does, so check out this effete ol' herb waxin' long-winded below:

 

Bitch you wasn't slangin hard wit 2 CHAINZ in the gym!  It's cool doe, he's entitled to his opinion.  But as if Roberts' floppy indie bangs weren't suspect enough, ol' fuckboy tosses out this credibility shattering line: "But as fellow rap chart lottery winners DMX, Mike Jones and Lil B can attest, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make a mark..."

Is you serious, homey?  I'm a LIL B fan, but ok I get it, not for erryone.  But DMX?  You fuckin kiddin me, son?  I know it's askin a lot of a dude with indie bangs to get it, but REAL HIP-HOP HEADS stay pumpin iron to DMX - all shirtless and greased-up and ready to hit the showers (no homo).  He wrote "Ruff Ryders Anthem," dogg..."Ruff Ryders Anthem."

Btw, here is his Pazz & Jop ballot from 2011.  Dis middle-aged goon voted Ariel Pink, Joanna Newsom, and (I think) a McSweeney's comp as his favorites of '11.  Oh yeah, and that BIG BOI record from 2010.  Very current, Mr. Music Expert Man.

Randall Roberts, I will grab your indie bangs, stick yo' head in the toilet and swirlie that shit until you agree never to write on RAP MUSIC again.  Peace!

IS JAY-Z JOCKING LIL B???

 

Sup gangstas and gangstettes?  Now you might be thinkin, "Oh, he just bein' contrarian, tryin to stir the pot like the annoying little punk he is," but hear me out!

Let's take a look at the history of freestyles.  The freestyle was created in 1995 when BIG L and JAY-Z appeared on the Stretch and Roberto show on WNYU.  Thing was, it wasn't exactly really a freestyle.  Both MC's rhymes were meticulously crafted and the only thing "free" about it was how free they were being with the definition of the word freestyle.

Real freestyles are mad awkward and unpolished.  Peep dis '93 clip of Nas appearing on the very same Stretch and Roberto program.  You can tell his first and last verses are true freestyles cause they so full of mistakes n stutters n shit.  The second verse is perfectly phrased and, not insignificantly, later appeared on "Memory Lane" when Illmatic dropped.  Either he came up with that verse on the spot, or someone's bein fast and loose with the definition of freestyle.

So Jigga is no different.  I bet dude had an arsenal of writtens every time he appeared on the Stretch and Roberto Hip-Hop Program.  Nothing wrong with that.  But LIL B is the first rapper to actually take his real freestyles and put em on record as finished products.

Yeah, Jigga used to freestyle his verses in the studio, but they'd edit that shit to polish the edges.  LIL B leaves his freestyles relatively untouched, blemishes and all.  That's what Jigga does on dis new RICK ROSS joint and you know he's takin pointers from da kid.

I unno just my thoughts.  Not like RICK ROSS didn't already steal LIL B's copyrighted "WOOP WOOP!" JAY-Z, you a swagger jacker and swagger jackers get jacked!

BECOME FACEBOOK FRIENDS WITH TOMMY WRIGHT III

 

Sup you dogass hoes?  Real talk, y'all, if there's one thing ya boy can't stand it's fakes; that extends to people as well as True Religions (I hear ya Keef!).  I was at Mangy Moose the other day, pullin bitches and sellin Oxys to some bitchass tourists, when local rap sensation Snow White came in with his Powder Blu Cru.

I used to be kinda tight with Snow White back in the day.  We'd hit the slopes together and rob tourists for their North Faces and what have you - you know, mad gully gangsta shit!  But since he been poppin off on a statewide level, the fame has gotten to his head.  He didn't even hook me up with a moist towelette when I was bossin on some buffalo wings!  Homeboy, my hands wuz dirty!

Snow White, you got a price on yo head, real talk.  But TOMMY WRIGHT III is a real ass dude.  I listen to his music and think, "Man, I bet me and Tommy would have so much in common.  We are both wandering this crazy road we call Thug Life."  Hit him up on Facebook! 

And Tommy, if you readin this, come on man, unblock me!  I know I been spammin and whatnot, but wait till you hear my demo, homey!

DA NEW ASAP ROCKY IS AIGHT I GUESS

Shit sounds like he's treading water.  Yeah there are some cool parts and whatevs, but overall I ain't fuckin with it like anything on LiveLoveA$AP or even that weird unofficial comp DatPiff had on their website.

I dunno, maybe it's like a Yes or Genesis album or something where I need to listen to it five times at 78 rpm while hittin astral planes on an ayahuasca trip before it actually sinks in?  To be honest doe, the shit reminds me of comin down from ecstasy which is one empty-ass feeling.

ASAP, you my dude n shit, but if you don't come with something hotter next time, I'ma strangle you with an Yves Saint Laurent bowtie.  RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA! has spoken, bitches.

SKAM DUST MAKES ME PROUD TO BE A WIGGER

 

First time I heard SKAM DUST, I thought he was fucking retarded.  Then I realized it was me who was fucking retarded.  Skam Dust is pure brilliance, the kind of shit that makes me wanna sniff glue in an alleyway and stick up tourists for their Salomons (outta towners, stay the FUCK out of Jackson Hole, yaheardme?).

I like how even though the song is only 2 minutes long, half of that is just Skam Dust rambling about how he's gonna "fuckin kill ya!"  Chuuuch!

So listen up Jackson Hole pussy ass tourists: stay the fuck off my block or I'ma hit you with the ratchet while listening to SKAM DUST on my pink iPod shuffle!

THUG MOTIVATION 101: CERTIFIED CLASSIC!

Sup fuckboys?  Yo, while everyone was pullin their sausage to Danger Doom and Kanye's Late Registration, the real goons in Da Jack Hole (Wyoming, stand up!) were blastin YOUNG JEEZY's Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101, taking notes and learning from the master in this introductory course to Thugonomics.  Yafeelme?

Revisionist hoes who hated Get Rich Or Die Tryin' when it came out are clamoring 'bout how that was a classic all of a sudden.  But what about Young Jizzle from the bottom of the map?  This shit defined the transition from the fruity post-Bad Boy sound in the early '00s to that ATL/Southern trap shit.

Y'all remember "trap-hop?"  Some hoes at The Village Voice or Pitchfork were throwin round that wack-ass term before real thugs shot it down.  Chuuuch!