Tuesday, January 31, 2017
DANCEHALL MUSIC HYSTERIA #7: "REAL" DANCEHALL!
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Just a lil somethin I thought up when I was gettin my hair blown out by a picturesque guido. It's a truism that applies to dancehall as well as hip-hop. Every time a revolutionary like Shaggy pushes the culture forward, a neo-reactionary contingent rises up to resist the changing of the cultural tide.
We're all familiar with the righteous traditionalism of "real hip-hop." Gappy Ranks is what you would call "real dancehall." It tries to set its scene in the same aural region as a PNP Rally, but it's studied where the original was spontaneous. Find a thicc gyal to bruk on mi cock and I'll be sounding my airhorns all over this Diploid simulacrum. In the back of my mind, I'll know I'm just dancing by myself in the back of a Johnny Rockets, and all the real soda jerks were long ago buried in their beds of malt.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
KODAK GRAY
Honestly couldn't be mo bored w/ Kodak Black these days, and it has nothing to do with the particle-displacing memeification he underwent. As a meme artist, he is up there with Plies, who is up there with Gucci, who is up there with Cam'Ron. That's a talent of some sort.
I don't care that he got fat either, although I think that sets a poor example for the youth who are our future. The problem is that he can barely carry a song on his own, much less an album. Hate to use such a loaded term, but the guy is low energy. He sounds like this Pokemon when he's rapping. On any of his mixtapes, you get maybe two or three good songs. The rest is anemic 'Nolia LARPing and the sub-Pacian moping of a Kevin Gates or Eminem.
Jackboy is some fat kid who is friends with Kodak. He has slightly more energy than Kodak Black, but what I'm really feelin is the ill marimbas. Steel drums and marimbas, let's take 2017 back to the Whole Foods checkout line. Jackboy also earns points for a sloppy Wayne Wonder remake, which is actually way better than it should be. CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
DANCEHALL MUSIC HYSTERIA, #6: POST-SCAMCORE
A hearty wa gwan to my readership. DANCEHALL MSUIC HYSTEIRA back in dis mudflap.
Who can forget when Buju Banton and Nardo Ranks had a free and open exchange on the subject of skin bleaching? We all know what happened. Nardo Ranks became a cultural icon and nobody uses cake soap anymore.
History repeats itself. In recent years, the lottery scam has been celebrated in songs by Vybz Kartel and Lady Saw. Legit stars like Vershon and Tommy Lee Sparta, the Criss Angel of dancehall, even caught cases for their alleged involvement in these scams. The set-up is simple. Call up some poor old bastard and tell them they won the lottery. Ask 'em to send a lil money to pay for fees or taxes or some shit and watch the wire transfers pile up. For my gramps, it was some sprinkleheads from the Netherlands. They were even selling him magic crystals n shit, it was weird, I thought he was an old guy and not some new-age earthperson (RIP Gramps). Guess that's what we all gotta look forward to when we become wrinklebags.
Last year's scamcore included Vybz's "Western Union" and Xklusive's cumbersome "Scamma Dem Deh Yah (Big Money Popping)." Now we got this barnstormer. Some speculate "Dem Think A Chattingz" is a response to the Xklusive song. Basically they sayin, "Be about ya walk, not ya talk. Scamming? Where ya money at? 'Tain't nothin to brag about." It ain't exactly anti-scamming, but it ain't glorifying it neither. Anyway, moderately big chune! BO BO!
________
I like scamming songs because they are rebellious, and it fits with the rebellious image I have of myself to enjoy punk counterculture songs about illegal activities, even though I would hate it if it happened to me or someone I care about, but I won't have to put my money where my mouth is until I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, which is unlikely to happen, or Alzheimer's, which I am genetically predisposed to, turns my brain to baby formula, and I'm sending my paltry Social Security checks to some guy in Montego Bay and a Thai cutie who likes me for my personality. So until that comfortably distant day, I'll keep promoting songs about selling drugs and swindling old people! I might even write a thinkpiece educating you on why bad things are actually good, and you'll just have to expand your mind you lumpen-dummy :)
Monday, January 16, 2017
PAGING RAY MUNNS AND DJ LETHAL: I HEAR THE EARLY '00S CALLING
RAMP MPUSIC HSYTERIA! is just a product of this toilet culture. It's an unavoidable fact: ya boy came up in the age of the rap-metal DJ. Crazy Town and P Roach is in my bloodline. I was permanently damaged seeing Method Man muggin it up w/ Fred Durst, hit my first lick listening to a radio-dub of "This Means War." Even a hardline trueschooler like P. Diddy contributed to the normalization of this strange, unnatural coupling. U gotta wonder if it was all part of some deranged Clintonite psyop. Put fluoride in the water and hormones in the milk and MC Shan on a Sum 41 record - enfeeble an entire generation when they young and impressionable. Try as I might to distance myself from the rap-rock naval, it's exactly as da god Chester Bennington said: I tried so hard, and got so far / But in the end, it doesn't really matter!
So this blapper from DaBoii fits me like a red Yankees cap and camouflage cargo shorts (optional wallet chain add-on). Metal guitars over a "Boyz N The Hood" beatjack? Chuuuuuch indeed, but what's good with that throwback jersey? Oooh shit, it's a throwback jersey for Calvin Cambridge of Like Mike (2002)? Now that's what I call peak early '00s, boy! All that's missin is the duckbill hair-swoop, Sammie on the hook, and some 9/11 references. Now that the wheels are falling off of Cash Money homages, turn of da millenium rap-rock is ripe for nostalgia mining.
Monday, January 9, 2017
SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER BOYZ
Real trap emotion comin from da Bay. Astute YouTubers will recognize Lil Sheik from palling around with blawg-hot SOBxRBE; Big Money TuTu made some noise wit a Bay Goes Detroit blapper (banger + slap) now obligatory for youngins wishing to prove their mainey-ness. TuTu is only 15 according to a commenter claiming to be his cousin (fakenewz), so that MCM knapsack prolly holdin some algebra and biology textbooks in addition to the work.
This that get ready for winter music. Takes me back to the days when Kanye MK1 and Just Bleezy dropped some reflective soulful shit right in time for the black dogs of winter to bite u in the cockles, when LL and J. Lo wrung their hands on record and you was sittin cooped up lookin at the gray day outside like, "This can't be life"; when ya feets was in some thick-ass wool socks and the only thing keepin u warm was a broke space heater cause ya landlord too cheap to run the heat at adequate temperatures, fuckin slumlord beeyich, he's gonna get his when you move out and he realizes you scrapped his copper wire like a slick metalurgical villain and bought yaself a Gucci jumpsuit with tha proceeds.
4 real tho, sometimes this fast e-lifestyle wears on my soul, and I been goin thru some thangs too. Can't nobody feel RAP MUSIC HYSESIRIA'S pain. Cause my pain? My pain is mothafuckin' exquisite!
Monday, January 2, 2017
GOTTA LEARN TO LIVE WITH REGERTZ
Ride around with fed cases
Merk a nigga for a couple dead faces
Fuck your babymama, ain't no sympathy
I hope she have a dead baby
Worst part of makin a Best Of list is you know you're gonna uncover a lot more gem-quality rap materials when the dust settles and ya lungs is tired from inflating your own ego. OMB Peezy's "Lay Down," released in visual form on 12/6, is one such example. Maybe ya boy boy is just high on the wings of a new toy, but it's been a minute since I've been on my Rain Man shit and played a song repeatedly on repeated repeat. Peezy moves nimbly between wordy post-drill ice veins flow and the kind of pseudo-melodic raps New Orleans chats lapsed into before motherfuckers decided to play Ginuwine in the damn booth. When's the last time you was singing along to a murder-rap? From all the funk he bringin you might think he's from the Bay, but the young man is representing Mobile, AL according to the information my Google snitches procured.
Keith Welch, Jr. seems to be the go-to director for a lot of quality independent artists these days. Close Redtube for a sec and give that man a follow!
Friday, December 16, 2016
BEST OF 2016
2016 was a rough one. I got locked up; I damaged my gorgeous complexion faceplanting off a hoverboard; I saw my candidate lose on election day (we got this one next time, McMullin!). But the worst part was having to hear all these adult babies complain about what a horrible year 2016 was. RAP MUSIC HYSTERAI ain't got time 4 that breh, we smokin sherm-marinated Kools in the fifth dimension and makin space-time our Maytag upstate. Mo you complain about Jupiter bein out of wack with Neptune's moons, mo time I have to get this papyrus and stack croutons to the ceiling. Got so many croutons it's more like the salad is the croutons' croutons. We turnin main courses into garnishes, playboy.
If you ain't walkin with me you better supercharge that hoverboard and hope Doc Brown got more flux in his capacitor. Try not to fall, cause we zoomin like the autobahn with disfigured faces and pockets on gangrene. Somebody better amputate my limbs cause my pimp walk is devastating. Tell a podiatrist to call a chiropractor to talk more shit behind my back. Better patch in a proctologist while you're at it, cause my shit lookin hella drippy (no diarrhea). We took stale bread and turned those bitches into croutons. We took a useless old tree and printed a Ross Douthat column on that motherfucker. Chuuuuch.
1. Rae Sremmurd - Black Beatles (ft. Gucci Mane)*
2. Dreezy - Body (ft. Jeremih)
3. Young Thug & Travis Scott - Pick Up The Phone (ft. Quavo)
4. Ezale - Day Ones
5. Ka - Ours
6. Kap G - Southside
7. French Montana - Lockjaw (ft. Kodak Black)
8. Lud Foe - Cuttin Up
9. YG - Police Get Away Wit Murder
10. Kanye West - 30 Hours
11. Famous Dex - Geek On A Bitch
12. Stresmatic - The Joog
13. Mozzy - Beautiful Struggle
14. A-Wax - Always Something
15. Shy Glizzy - You Know What
16. Boone - Pop A Perc
17. WNC Carlos x JMM Larry x SOG Sherwood Flame - Cross Me
18. YID - Keep It On Me (ft. Lil Yee)
19. The Team - Can I
20.
21. A Tribe Called Quest - We The People...
22. 21 Savage - No Heart
23. Spodee - Trappin Out Da Partments
24. Lil Yase - Boom Boom***
25. Mista Cain - No Shootas (ft. Spitta Bad Newz)
26. Future - Perkys Callin
27. Gensu Dean & Denmark Vessey - Racka Lamb
28. WNC Whop x WNC Carlos x WNC Ram Bam - Die Bout It
29. Nipsey Hussle - County Jail
30. Uncle Murda - Cam'Ron Voice
31. SOB x RBE - Different
32. CupcakKe - Ace Hardware
33. Spitta - Fuck It
34. Boosie Badazz - This Ain't Living (ft. VS)
35. G-Val - Fake Shit
36. Rick Ross - Buy Back The Block (ft. 2Chainz & Gucci Mane)
37. ClydeTheMack - No Love (ft. SOB x RBE, Mike Sherm, G-Bo Lean, SouthsideSu)
38. Vic Spencer - Blast Fa Me (ft. Freddie Old Soul)
39. King Lil G - Cold Christmas
40. No Panty - Iceys On Deck
41. Gucci Mane - Richest Nigga In The Room
42. Blac Youngsta - Shake Sum
43. Big Rome - Keepin It Lit (ft. Young Flacs)
44. DB Tha General - Gas Chamber
45. Gee Money - Take It There
46. Rocaine - BWB
47. C-Murder - Dear Supreme Court
48. Dre Bandz x Ty Money x JB - Mac Talk
49. A$AP Ferg - New Level (ft. Future)
50. Young M.A - OOOUUU
*Every now and then dystopian music goes pop. This was one such instance.
**At this point I heard the song so many times I actually hate it, but for about three months I was boppin along in the whip to Brothers Chainz and Wayne sounding lovely over a gospel sample. Chance got killed on his own shit in a historical capacity. Someone with editing skills needs to get his free-range-toddler temper tantrum the FOH. He's fine on the hook, but you can't come with that open-mic "Oh I'm just riffin, tryin out some new stuff" coffeeshop yodelling shit when your song features two legends. This ain't the Good Life Cafe, and your name ain't P.E.A.C.E. This ain't the hungry i, and you ain't fit to carry Mort Sahl's red v-neck jockstrap. Hold my Charleston Chew, my lil Kit Kat.
***Late 2015, but I do not care. Swap it out for "Who Is He" if you a bitch for historical accuracy like that.
Songs I liked but heard so many times i don't like em right now
Chance The Rapper - No Problem (ft. 2Chainz & Lil Wayne)
Ezale - Tonite Show
Future - Purple Reign
2015s
Babyface Ray & Samuel Shabazz - Pinky & Brain
Cartiyay - Favor for a Favor
Chippass - IDGAF
DJ XO - Pulled Off The Lot (ft. Rizzo & Sosamann)
Gank Gaank - Like Aye
Madeintyo - Uber Everywhere
Mike Sherm - Blue Faces
Nef The Pharoah - Michael Jackson
Sonniebo - Hella Mad
Old-timer's game
Curren$y - Fat Albert (ft. Lil Wayne)
E-40 - On One (ft. AD)
Gensu Dean - Principles & Codes (ft. Diamond D)
Old Jeezy - Let Em Know
Pusha T - Keep Dealing (ft. Beanie Sigel)
The Mekanix - I'm So Oakland (ft. The Delinquents)
Neef Buck - Game of Thrones (ft. State Property)
Rich The Factor - 24's
Suga Free - Up In Da Pocket
Z-Ro - My Money
Not rap
Alkaline - City
Almighty - Ocho
Arcangel x Bad Bunny - Tu No Vive Asi
Busy Signal - Bad Longtime
Chi Ching Ching - Nacho
Daddy Yankee - Shaky Shaky
Ding Dong - Yeng Yeng (ft. Bravo Ravers)
Harley Flanagan - Guilty Until Proven Innocent
Savage Savo - Jiggle Likkle
Shatta Wale - Kakai
Spice - Indicator
Vybz Kartel - Real Youth
Almost song 50
Some Lil Dicky shit cause fuck it. David Lee Roth once said, "Music journalists like Elvis Costello because music journalists look like Elvis Costello.” Lil Dicky gets the other side of that: critics hate him because he reminds them of the lame middle-class upbringing they want to leave behind. If you and I were to travel through time (holding hands and tying lanyards the whole way), we would see every critic who hates Lil Dicky smoking bongs in college with guys who look exactly like Lil Dicky.
Line of the year
The one about bleaching assholes, of course. Say what you will about Kanye, but the guy began a radio single with a line about bleached assholes. A true accomplishment. Second best line is A$AP Ferg talking about buying shovels.
What else? Time to click the post button and watch the regret pile up.
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