INTERVIEW WITH SOMEONE WHO HATES RAP MUSIC

 

So yo, if there's one thing you can say about me (but be careful when you speak my name), you can say, "He likes rap music."  See my bio on the sidebar (new feature btw!)?  It says, "i like rap music."  When I die, my tombstone will probably read, "He liked rap music.  If there's an afterlife, he still does." So it's difficult for me to conceive that some people do not like rap music.  Here is an interview with one such character who rudely asked me to turn down my music when I was just bumpin some LIL ZANE for the rest of the bus to enjoy.

RMH: State ya name, son.

HATIN ASS FUCKBOY: My name is Wiley P. Finkmeyer.

RMH: You don't like rap music?

HAF: No.

RMH: Why?

HAF: Just never resonated with me.  I prefer jazz, rock 'n' roll, rhythm and --

RMH: (interrupting) Oh so you a racist?

HAF: No!

RMH: Yes you are.

HAF: No I'm not  My mom is half black.

 At this point, RMH may or may not have put a knife blade to HAF's throat.

RMH: ADMIT IT, RACIST!

HAF: I'm not a racist!

RMH: Yes you is!

HAF: No I'm not!

RMH: Yes you is!  You's a racist!  I bet you think black people always be eatin puddin pops while wearin sweaters.  I bet you think Latinos be wearin sombreros and Chinese people live in giant woks.

RMH rips open HAF's blazer.

RMH:  What this is?  This ya Klan uniform?

HAF: It's an Oxford shirt!

RMH: Don't lie to me, boy!

HAF: Fine, fine!  I'm racist!

RMH puts knife away and sits down politely.

RMH: Well personally, you racists make me sick.  This is a post-racial society.  Come join us, it's enlightened here in the 21st century.

So there you have it, straight from da horse's mouth.  People who don't like rap music are RACIST!

INTRODUCING THE NOTORIOUS PHD!!!

 

So yo, if there's one thing you could fault RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA wit (and I'm not sure you can), it's that we occasionally fail to give exposure to new artists.  The payola money we get from Viacom is just too compelling sometimes, and we ain't got time for you Bandcamp rappers who can't even hook us up with an Arby's Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich.

But yo, the other day I heard dis underground artist who made me flip my lid.  IDK bout y'all, but I'm sick of all these rappers talkin bout "bitch this" and "N-word that."  It's time we took it back to da Golden Era, when real MCs talked about real shit.   Dat's why I was so pleased to discover NOTORIOUS PHD.  First of all, he an OG New Yorker comin straight outta BK, now reppin da BX Boro as a Fordham University Professor of African-American studies.  He even an original member of THE WEATHERMEN but left cause he thought AESOP ROCK was an emo art hoe too far removed from that '88 boom-bamp he so loved.

 

Skip to @2:22 to hear my man NOTORIOUS PHD absolutely shit on the kinda gentrification I addressed in my post on A$AP ROCKY, Harlem, and a yuppie in a purple shirt, all delivered in the smoothest flow I heard since, well, SMOOTH B.  He even got a brotha doin beatbox so this shit be sittin sturdy on mad pillars of hip-hop (MCing, beatboxing, graffiti on his tshirt, and I bet if my homie was 40 years younger he'd even break out some fresh b-boy moves)!  Unfortunately there's a guy on his left just shakin his head and doin nothin and doin nothin is not hip-hop so I gotta dock -10 hip-hop points.

 

But yo, check it out!  Here he goin straight a capella, no DJ or nothin, on a dis track aimed at trickle-down economics!  +20 rap music points!   So yo, if you lookin for some ill political hip-hop and think KRS-ONE fell off or IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE isn't real enough, check out my mans NOTORIOUS PHD.  Shit is funky fresh and has a message.

DID JIGGA POOP IN HIS PANTS?

So yo, sometimes things here at RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA! take a little longer than ya average blawg.  We like slow food, son, cause like rap music itself, we good for your mind, body, and soul.  But erry now and then I gots to chime in on a pressing issue of the day.  And yo, right now I got more chimes than a hippie's porch on a windy day.

So yo, by now JAY-Z's lil "happening" at Pace Gallery in NYC is old news.  In short, JIGGA performed "Picasso Baby" for six hours on some MARINA ABRAMOVIC biter-type shit.  Dat hoe even blessed the event by showin up and doing some of her weirdo shit, surely a highlight of JIGGA's second childhood as an art-world stan.    I dunno why JIGGA so into rappin about art, cause he on some newjack cornball shit like an art school freshman who just copped a subscription to Juxtapoz.

But anyway, supposedly the whole thing was an homage to ABRAMOVIC's MOMA mixtape a few years back where she basically just hung out at the museum all day and pooped and peed in her pants (she says she didn't, but c'mon son, ya bladder ain't built like dat).  So did JIGGA pull an AL ROKER?  It was only six hours, but you never know when diarrhea might strike.  If nothing else, he probably had to take a leak during that time.  I mean dey already made Roca Pads, why not Roca diapers?

I hope he cops to it cause fo rilla, rapping about pooping in his pants would be a lot more interesting than whatever he rappin about these days.  Live and direct from the art world, RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA is out!

IN WHICH DRAG-ON RAPS ABOUT A HATE CRIME

 

Wan gwan rap music enthusiasts?  RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA comin correct wit da content dat keeps da fiends fiendin!  So yo, back in the day RUFF RYDERS was the clique.  Don't tell me otherwise!  Heads had posters of Flesh Of My Flesh, Blood Of My Blood hanging over their virginal four-poster beds (no homo).  Don't know about y'all, but I stayed bumpin Ruff Ryders Vol. 1 on my Sony Discman, escapin from da oppressive confines of middle school into a thugged-out wonder world of sweaty shirtless men, steroid abuse, and crotch rockets (no homo).  I was so into the Double-R that I was anticipating the YUNG WUN album that never came out; I didn't even skip da song by those wack DRU HILL wannabes, PARLE!  Dat's how thoro I kepts it.

So when DRAG-ON came out, you best believe I was jockin.  Sheeit, "Down Bottom," "Niggaz Die For Me," and "Spit These Bars" was fresh to death on the strength of those tinny early SWIZZ BEATZ beats alone.  When I heard "Niggaz Die For Me" on the radio it was nearly unintelligible (too many N-words). I was hooked.  He and DMX even dressed adorably like firemen for the video (RUFF RYDERS loved gimmicks and costumes almost as much as motorcycles and male camaraderie).

So picture my disappointment when I listened closely to the lyrics on "The Hood."  DRAG-ON asks, and I quote, "You know how many chinks and Jews / Drag's done dragged out / On a cash route?"  Well, none I hope, but I suppose the implied answer is "a lot?"  My rainbow coalition heart was broken.  DRAG-ON revealed himself to be little more than Goebbels in a durag.

I thought RUFF RYDERS were a social movement where men could be men, lift weights without shirts in the presence of other men, ride fast motorcycles with other men, dress up identically to other men, and basically just enjoy the company of other men whilst doing manly things men like to do (token female EVE notwithstanding [no homo]).  But DRAG-ON ruined my utopian dream with his words of hate.  I quickly defected to THE ROC and STATE PROPERTY.  Although they had less of the welcoming YMCA vibe I so dug in RUFF RYDERS, at least they didn't rap about murdering Chinese folks and the Chosen People.

DA NEXT EPISODE: EGYPT WAS HIP-HOP! (REVISIONIST HISTORY, PART TWO OF MANY)

Yo!  RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA goes hard as fuck!  All I gotta say on that front.  U know what it is.

But yo, I promised y'all I was gonna delve into the Secret History of Hip-Hop dat the leading rap intellectuals don't want y'all to know about.  So check it, we all know hip-hop consists of several elements.  One is bling (diamonds, chains, etc), another is self-aggrandizement, and the last two are B-boying and beatboxing.

First off, check out those big booty hoes up top doing the wah watusi.  Video hoes before dey even had videos!  I bet these bitches was all up on the Pharaoh's dick like, "Mmm big daddy, lemme get embalmed with you" and he was all, "Beeeeitch, stop talkin that shit and suck my fuckin dick fo some papyrus."

But yo, da Egyptians also correspond to the self-aggrandizement element of hip-hop.  Dey was all, "Life takes us all, word is bond, but I'ma make myself immortal.  Yo slaves, build me a fuckin pyramid!"  Now slavery is mos def not hip-hop, as hip-hop is all about freein yourself from mental slavery.  So in dat way I guess the Egyptians wasn't hip-hop.  But in dey obsession wit bein immortal? Hell yeah.

Dudes was also flossin like crazy.  More gold than a player's ball and dey even got buried wit mad lucre.  I bet if they was alive today, they'd be rappers and be all, "Yo, bury me in a Maybach while I'm wearin Pucci sneakers and Tru Religion jeans and a Gucci bucket cap and surround me with racks on racks and mad ice and hoes and fuckin Han Solo me in gold and platinum."

This KNOWLEDGE (c) has been brought to you by RPA MUSIC HISTORAI!