BEST O' THE YEAR 2012 Y'ALL!

Another year down in the books.  It's been a good one, yo!  Personally, I been runnin shit in the J-Hole (Wyoming, stand up!) makin mad cream thru illegal means; I also got my ski instructor's license.  As far as rap goes, shit been poppin off dis year.  Let's get get get it!

2CHAINZ
He sound like a drunk uncle/goose, but you couldn't fux with the Feature King of 2012.  He'd just show up on some track, have a few great put-downs and an equal number of groaners, all delivered in an awkward, often off-beat braying.  Rap game DON RICKLES crossed with FOZZY BEAR and maybe even a little BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT.  You know why that new A$AP single sounds like it ain't even his song? Cause 2CHAINZ on it.  Well, 2CHAINZ and DRAKE, a/k/a the 21st c. rap game MARK PRICE and BRAD DAUGHERTY.

 

BLACK HIPPY/TDE

Yeah, everyone on KENDRICK LAMAR'S cojones, and rightfully so: he dropped da album of the year.  And unlike the flawed Section 80 LP, he didn't make any major aesthetic missteps, e.g. putting an MOR/Kevin Rudolf-type whiteboy singer on the chorus.  Real talk, that's one of the biggest evils in rap music these days (see BIG BOI'S Sir Lucious Left Foot for the gravest example).  But on top o' that, the underrated AB-SOUL dropped the quasi-conceptual Control System, an album that taught everyone at least one new vocabulary word ("chattel" in my case -- thanks Ab!).  And SCHOOLBOY Q continued to sound bemused and spiteful on Habits & Contradictions, talkin bout drunk drivin and all the things I love.

JUICY J - "BANDS A MAKE HER DANCE"
Dis was the biggest surprise of the year for me.  Never thought JUICY J would reinvent himself as a lovable, ageless rake, unapologetic about his inability to resist certain vices (ratchet pussy, drugs, etc).  This shit is still gettin overplayed, but still gets ppl hyped when it comes on, perhaps because it has an elusive flash of truth embedded in its Dionysian revelry.

TRINIDAD JAME$
Fuck y'all.  Lots of heads was sayin that DRAKE'S "Bitch you wasn't with me shooting in the gym" was the year's best line.  I mean it's fun to say and all, but really?  We can do better, America.  The best line of the year was obviously TRINIDAD JAMES' "Pop a molly, I'm sweatin! Woo!"  The runners-up are 2 CHAINZ' a/k/a Hair Weave Killa's "When ya girl leave me, she need a hair salon!," JUICY J'S "You say no to ratchet pussy / Juicy J cain't," and 2 CHAINZ' "She got a big booty, so I call her big booty."  There were no other good rap lines this year.  Sorry.

THIS PHOTO OF JAY-Z
Damn, look how old he look; moreover, how stupid he looks in that BBC sweatshirt and backwards cap.  You like 46, B!  Wear some age appropriate attire - Sperry topsiders, baggy Dockers, raggedy ass polo shirts. Until then, JIGGA has officially entered "Cool Dad" territory.

MEEK MILL
Along with 2CHAINZ, MEEK MILL owned this year.  He had the radio hits and rapped circles round the comp on Dreamchasers 2.  More importantly, he was involved in one of the funniest rap stories of the year, i.e., his presence in DRAKE'S posse when CHRIS BROWN got his face busted open by an errant champagne bottle.  Thank you for your service, Milly.

FLOPPY HAIRED DORK SLAMS THE NEW 2 CHAINZ ALBUM

Peace to all the suckas, hoes and skeezers out there.  RAP HYSTERIA! is in the building once again again.  Time to do this shit!

Aight, so as erryone knows, 2 CHAINZ been blowin up this year.  He's aight and whatever, got some hot guest verses here and there, e.g. "Beez In Da Trap" and that dope line "Coupe the color of mayonnaise" on "Mercy," but most of the time I think he sounds like a drunk Bill Cosby croaking in the gutter.  I heard the horrendously titled T.R.U. REALigion mixtape (what's up with his Tru Religion fetish?  Them shits is ugly, dogg), and it had some jams on it but nothing life changing.

That said, some dude named Randall Roberts (LA Times) slammed homeboy's debut album.  I guess it shouldn't matter what he looks like, but it totally does, so check out this effete ol' herb waxin' long-winded below:

 

Bitch you wasn't slangin hard wit 2 CHAINZ in the gym!  It's cool doe, he's entitled to his opinion.  But as if Roberts' floppy indie bangs weren't suspect enough, ol' fuckboy tosses out this credibility shattering line: "But as fellow rap chart lottery winners DMX, Mike Jones and Lil B can attest, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make a mark..."

Is you serious, homey?  I'm a LIL B fan, but ok I get it, not for erryone.  But DMX?  You fuckin kiddin me, son?  I know it's askin a lot of a dude with indie bangs to get it, but REAL HIP-HOP HEADS stay pumpin iron to DMX - all shirtless and greased-up and ready to hit the showers (no homo).  He wrote "Ruff Ryders Anthem," dogg..."Ruff Ryders Anthem."

Btw, here is his Pazz & Jop ballot from 2011.  Dis middle-aged goon voted Ariel Pink, Joanna Newsom, and (I think) a McSweeney's comp as his favorites of '11.  Oh yeah, and that BIG BOI record from 2010.  Very current, Mr. Music Expert Man.

Randall Roberts, I will grab your indie bangs, stick yo' head in the toilet and swirlie that shit until you agree never to write on RAP MUSIC again.  Peace!