BAEDEKER MON TING

Sup y'all. RMH ain't nann so provincial as as a mere Rappe Blogue. We citizens of the world, yo! On my days off from the box factory, I be hangin out at Whole Foods samplin exotic dishes and asking anyone with the slightest hint of melanin to bless me wit some of their culture's music. Usually they tell me to fuck myself or snitch me out to the white-dreadlocked manager, but sometimes they look at my kufi-keffiyeh kombo and realize I'm an ally.

 
CARTEL DE SANTA - ES DE LEY
This was recommended to me by a cat eyein' the chicken marsala in the pre-made food trough. He described em as a mix between Cypress Hill, Vybz Kartel, Kottonmouth Kings, and Beck, "without the gay shit." I said, "Hand me a test tube, 'cause ya boy about to nuuuut!" He walked away with his marsala as I hit a "CHUUUUUUUUCH" for a good 15 minutes.

 
CHI CHING CHING - THE REASONING
This was recommended to me by a Mike Pence looking MF coppin some Kashi Good Friends Cereal. He said his name was Fiber Mane, but I don't believe him. Chi Ching Ching back after his "Nacho" and "Roast Or Fry" slam dizzunks with a non-food-themed jawn over some ambient-sounding IDM shit Lil B might have yelled "20 on my dick, I'm a pretty bitch" over back in 2009.

YouTube commenter hungrybruce has this to say: "You should have gave this to Popcaan to dj. Ching work on the flow and delivery next time." Now me and Popcaan done made our peace even tho he a bitch for blocking me on Twitter after I spammed his shit wit my business idea for Jerk and Scotch Bonnet-flavored Popcaan™, but I don't want him too get too Akonian over this shit. Like my momma always said, "Too many Akons and you got a glitch in the Matrix, word to God."

STACKIN BREADFRUITS

With summer approaching, I gotta put my skis away and hit the pause button on the winter warz I be fightin in my soul. You might catch me on a December night in my Arc'teryx and Lugz, warming my frozen limbs by a dumpster fire in Hialeah with Rip the Jacker on repeat, but by June ya boy has transformed into the Mayor of Margaritaville.

The song of the summer probably won't be a rap song. As we all torture ourselves trying to find it, I'ma be listenin to Chi Ching Ching and sippin on some spiked moss. RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA is an extremely lucrative blog, but as a side hustle I work nights as a dispatcher for Miami's fourth largest yellow cab service. As I fill the dispatch room with caffeine farts, my man Waggy T been puttin me on to new sounds via his Friday night show on WEDR. This is where I first heard Don Andre's "Tom Cruise," which is better than most songs from last year. Chi Ching Ching appeared on the remix, and now he has a great song about eating breadfruit. Now that every other rap song is about taking prescription drugs, it's refreshing to hear these wholesome dancehall fellows extolling one of nature's many non-narcotic bounties. His new song "Nacho" is also very good and food-centric.

I thought dancehall was on a downward spiral once Vybz got locked up and the snoozefest known as Popcaan became its new poster boy, but now I'm so jazzed up I'm filling out paperwork to start my own breadfruit farm. Rap music's misogyny, homophobia, and glorification of violence have really been bothering me lately, so perhaps this site will soon be known as DANCEHALL MUSIC HYSTERIA!