WHERE'S THE BEEF?

When Jay-Z and Nas was beefin ya boy was in the Nasty One's corner, cuz I stay rootin for the underdog. But something in me rebelled when ether became a verb meaning to decimate an opponent, as if everyone agreed that Nas won—as if Nas hadn't lost just by being Nas in 2001. Comparing "Takeover" to "Ether" is apples & oranges. One is the playful provocation of a king shooting peas at his underlings; the other a listing of grievances from a disgruntled rival now fallen from grace. Then there was the bad history of Rockefeller dying of AIDS, which has since been clarified by the Jaz-O scholars of Rap Genius. The whole song relies heavily on a kind of schoolboy homophobia, which is occasionally hilarious - the Tae Bo ho line is classic, "Gay-Z and Cock-A-Fella Records" glitters with dumb brilliance - but mostly amounts to uninspired namecalling.

Let us now turn to one of the sorriest chapters in Rap Beef History, one that would have stayed on Twitter had it happened today. Witness "The End of Joe," in which Ransom spends the final four minutes referring to "Joeback Mountain" as a faggot, fruitcup, and fudgepacker before succumbing to the giggles. In typical scoundrel form, Buddens dropped a 9-minute response: three minutes of trap-flapping and six minutes of preening for the crowd.

Buddens wouldn't be Buddens if he didn't pick on weaker opponents. A few years later he got ethered with the best dis of the decade when he tried the same with Lil B. Buddens would never respond. All said, still a better beef than Drake vs. Meek Mill. James Harden deserves the Based God Curse far less than his fellow beardo Joe Buddens; then again, Joe Buddens's whole existence might be a curse. Word 2 Joe Booty: bet you still jack off with your buttcheeks out reading RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA!

BEATKING IS NOT THE CHRIS FARLEY OF RAP, PROBABLY

He is to rap what Bol[1] is to rap blogging, and not just because he is fat. He also owes something to Lil B[2].

[1] Nickname of a portly rap blogger properly known as Byron Crawford.  In the mid/late-'00s, the popularity of Crawford's blog Mindset Of A Champion earned him a spot on XXL's blog cabal alongside the likes of Dallas Penn, Noz, something called Sickamore, and Elliott Wilson's own incompetent attempt at zooming into the digital age.  It was a simpler time, when the Internet still held promise as a potential utopia of fiscal and intellectual autonomy, and the gatekeepers of the print model stood before the "blogosphere" with something like trepidation (see also Tom Breihan's pioneering hate-click project Status Ain't Hood, a Village Voice property).

Bol's schtick was to throw cherry bombs at everyone and everything in the rap world: rappers, the industry, other bloggers.  He betrayed his spiritual debt to The Howard Stern Show with frequent references to Siobhan Meow, a transgendered member of the Wack Pack.  Bol was funnier than the likes of Star or Charlemagne, and he was on his way to becoming the Stern of the Rap Blog world when he made the fateful decision to appear on The Parker Report.  In contrast to the scowling keyboard warrior pictured in his avatar, the real life Bol was bashful and chubby, smirking and stammering through answers like a prankster called in to the Principal's office for whoopee cushion indiscretions.  Although the video subjected Bol to the other side of ridicule, he continues to post acerbic takes on news items, publish eBooks, and curate a photo series of attractive white women.  When the Rap Bible is written, he will be remembered for the introduction of "T.I." and "nullus" into the lexicon, as well as the time Bun B left an angry comment on his blog.

[2] Dipset's contributions to pushing the culture forward won't be fully appreciated until years after the fact, and we're still coming to terms with Lil B's influence (direct, indirect) on what is permissible in today's rap environs.  For one, he resuscitated what De La pioneered: the wise guy shooting spitballs at the culture while still working within it, insiders posing as outsiders or vice versa.  He opened the possibilities of humor in an age dominated by textbook setups and punchlines.

Beatking benefits from the context Lil B established, where the lines between irony and sincerity are irrelevant and the rap game and memescape are one and the same.  Like the little one, he dusts off the language of late '90s Southern rap without resorting to cheap parody, an understanding of balance that delivers him from the wacky Photoshop filter-rap of a Lil Ugly Mane.  But even tho a sizable amount of his catalog is nigh unlistenable, Lil B revolutionized rapping by ignoring as many rules as he could before his music was unrecognizable as rap.  Regardless of faith, a clever critique like Beatking's will never better the original focus, on which it depends for definition.  At some point he will write him into a corner, but his constraints may turn out to be his greatest strength.

IS JAY-Z JOCKING LIL B???

 

Sup gangstas and gangstettes?  Now you might be thinkin, "Oh, he just bein' contrarian, tryin to stir the pot like the annoying little punk he is," but hear me out!

Let's take a look at the history of freestyles.  The freestyle was created in 1995 when BIG L and JAY-Z appeared on the Stretch and Roberto show on WNYU.  Thing was, it wasn't exactly really a freestyle.  Both MC's rhymes were meticulously crafted and the only thing "free" about it was how free they were being with the definition of the word freestyle.

Real freestyles are mad awkward and unpolished.  Peep dis '93 clip of Nas appearing on the very same Stretch and Roberto program.  You can tell his first and last verses are true freestyles cause they so full of mistakes n stutters n shit.  The second verse is perfectly phrased and, not insignificantly, later appeared on "Memory Lane" when Illmatic dropped.  Either he came up with that verse on the spot, or someone's bein fast and loose with the definition of freestyle.

So Jigga is no different.  I bet dude had an arsenal of writtens every time he appeared on the Stretch and Roberto Hip-Hop Program.  Nothing wrong with that.  But LIL B is the first rapper to actually take his real freestyles and put em on record as finished products.

Yeah, Jigga used to freestyle his verses in the studio, but they'd edit that shit to polish the edges.  LIL B leaves his freestyles relatively untouched, blemishes and all.  That's what Jigga does on dis new RICK ROSS joint and you know he's takin pointers from da kid.

I unno just my thoughts.  Not like RICK ROSS didn't already steal LIL B's copyrighted "WOOP WOOP!" JAY-Z, you a swagger jacker and swagger jackers get jacked!