JACQUEES, J'ACCUSE!

 

How this smilin ass motherfucker, draped up like a V.I.M. exploded, make my favorite mixtape of the week? Moreover, am I finally crossing over to Team Look At The Lick o' The Lips after years of Dru Hill related gender confusion? Sisqo was my David Bowie.

Ay butler, where my silk drawers at? IDK if it's wrong, but I feel like I'm finally myself. Finna have "B.E.D." play while a bitch cover me in melted butter. Oh boy, she gon envelop me in dollops of sour cream and drizzle my delicates with scallions and bacon bits! Yes gang, ya boy is an adult baked potato fetishist. Below I've listed songs I've enjoyed this week besides Jacquees's sultry MOOD tape. Consider this the fig leaf on my shriveled credibility.

STRESMATIC - BANGER ON ME

JOSE GUAPO - RUN IT UP (FT. ONE OF THE MIGOS & YFN LUCCI)

TRAVIS PORTER - REYUP (FT. SPODEE)

KODAK BLACK - GOSPEL

PLIES - SHIDD (FT. YO GOTTI)

MOZZY - BLACK BOY

YOUNG GUNZ - NO BETTER LOVE (FT. RELL)

CURREN$Y - MALLORY KNOX

MEEK MILL - PRAY FOR EM

NEF THE PHAROAH - MICHAEL JACKSON

GUCCI MANE - HOLD UP NOW (FT. 4 TRE)

MAINE MUSIK & TEC - FUNDU

MAX B - MAX & SCAR (FT. SCARLETT O'HARLEM)
JEEZY - LOST SOULS
GETO BOYS - YES YES Y'ALL

SONGS I LOVED AND LOST: A LISTICLE WITHOUT THE -ICLE

I've gone through four or five computers since I first started downloading the MP3s.  Ya boy ran thru Napster to Kazaa, Soulseek to Megaupload, but those desk- and laptops weren't strong enough to hold up to my relentless sensual appetites.  Was it porn or pop music that ultimately stopped my 'puters from 'putin?  IDK, but whatever it was, Tipper Gore would not have approved.  In any event, I didn't have the presence of mind to save my precious filez until my last switchover, so I always had to start my illicit library anew.  I guess I thought it was v que sera, sera and Buddhististic, e.g., "If I don't remember to download it again, it probably wasn't worth it," but now I'm realizing I lost a lot of gemz in the process.

For reasons I don't even understand, I been running Last.fm (formerly Audioscrobbler!) since '08, which means I have a semi-comprehensive document of everything I listened to during that time.  I had to lie to my girlfriends when they asked what it was, but this cathedral of OCD has finally proven its use: reminding me that these great songs exist (and why I'm single).

Young Bleed w/ Money Waters - Bac Road Mississippi
Z-Ro - Made
De La Soul - Wonce Again Long Island
Gucci Mane - Hurry
Juvenile w/ Mannie Fresh - Who Can I Run To?
MF Doom - Deep Fried Frenz
Rich Kidz - Wassup
Anquette - Shake It (Do the 61st)
Big Daddy Kane - Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now
DJ Khaled w/ Clipse & Freeway - Where You At
Lil Boosie - Ain't Coming Home Tonight
Young Dro - Gangsta Shit
Torae & Skyzoo - Click
50 Cent - Smile (I'm Leavin')
Young Dro & Yung LA - Black Boy, White Boy
Ice Berg - I'm The Shit 
Plies - Plenty Money
I.G.T. - Street Music (also "Stay Bent" - literally forgot this group existed)
K-Rino - Step Into The Mind
Queen Pen w/ The Lost Boyz - Party Ain't A Party
Styles P - Holiday

This was such a productive exercise I gave myself the warm 'n' fuzzies.  Sheeit, finna skip the warm glass of milk when I tuck myself in tonight, cause Styles P will do it for me.  Good night, J to the mwa.  Good night, Sheek.  Good night, Styles.

25 BEST CHARACTERS IN RAP SONGS & SKITS

Rap ain't nann but a game of characters.  Back when Tyler The Creator was rapping about raping ladies, a truly refined rap intellectual could brush off all the unsophisticated blowback with five simple words: "He's playing a character, mooooooommmm!"  For the purposes of this list, however, we are not interested in peelin back the layers of rap personae - just the characters who appear in songs or skits.  Y'all brainiac types can hash out that hair-splitting mise-en-abyme shit on ya own time.  We strictly 'bout the rapps over here.

I consulted some other lists as I wrote my own, and while they was alright, I didn't feel like I was truly represented by staid choices like Shorty Doo-Wop and Bonita Applebum.  So we decentering the canon with this list.  Think of it as an alternative history of great rap characters - a people's history.  Unfortunately, that means we had to cut the likes of Suzy Screw and Brenda so we could include the immortal Mizzle from Purple Haze.  Duty calls.  It was very close, but we always side with truth over politricks.  So if you don't want me speaking for you, write ya own or tell me what I missed.  As Lil' Zinn said on one of his early Gangsta Grillz mixtapes, "It was easy, it was cheap, go and do it!"

1.  Captain Save a Hoe (E-40)
2.  Mr. Hood (KMD)
3.  Pretty Little Sally (Ghostface Killah, "Child's Play")
4.  The Hunted Child (Ice-T)
5.  The Redneck (Devin the Dude, "R&B")
6.  Dany (Mobb Deep, "Drink Away The Pain")
7.  The Baby (UGK, "Pregnant Pussy")
8.  Grandma (Gucci Mane, "Wasted")
9.  Whining Cop (NWA, "Fuck Tha Police")
10.  Poppa Large (Ultramagnetic MCs)
11.  Protagonist (Scarface, "I Seen A Man Die")
12.  Larry, The White Guy (Sir Mix-A-Lot, "Posse On Broadway")
13.  Shannon (Too Short, "Freaky Tales")
14.  Triggerman (Showboys, "Drag Rap")
15.  Hypochondriac Chick (Jay-Z, "Girls, Girls, Girls")
16.  Dead Horse Bride (Ganksta N-I-P, "Horror Movie Rap")
17.  Tina (Brand Nubian, "Feels So Good")
18.  Shopkeeper (Ice Cube, "Black Korea")
19.  Milk Marie (Rich Gang)
20.  Tameka (Slick Rick, "Mistakes Of A Woman In Love With Other Men")
21.  Sally (Diamond D & The Psychotic Neurotics, "Sally Got A One Track Mind")
22.  "Mami" (Kool G Rap, "A Thug's Love Story")
23.  The Neptunes' Cocker Spaniel (N.O.R.E., "Superthug")
24.  The Guy Big Pun Tells To "Go That Way" ("It's So Hard")
25.  Mizzle (Cam'ron, Purple Haze)

Honorable mentions: Ken Kaniff, The Sheriff's Daughter,  "Sleazy E" and Jerry Heller caricatures, Peter The Pimp, Chinese Boy Who Goes "Wy ton thai ton thai thai thai," Jimmy, Jane Doe, Puerto Rican Kid On The Train, Buzzed Bus Driver, "Where Are My Panties?" Girl

Worst character: Roger.  Golf clap for good intentions, but I'm the type of schmuck who roots for Goofus.