DA NEXT EPISODE: EGYPT WAS HIP-HOP! (REVISIONIST HISTORY, PART TWO OF MANY)

Yo!  RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA goes hard as fuck!  All I gotta say on that front.  U know what it is.

But yo, I promised y'all I was gonna delve into the Secret History of Hip-Hop dat the leading rap intellectuals don't want y'all to know about.  So check it, we all know hip-hop consists of several elements.  One is bling (diamonds, chains, etc), another is self-aggrandizement, and the last two are B-boying and beatboxing.

First off, check out those big booty hoes up top doing the wah watusi.  Video hoes before dey even had videos!  I bet these bitches was all up on the Pharaoh's dick like, "Mmm big daddy, lemme get embalmed with you" and he was all, "Beeeeitch, stop talkin that shit and suck my fuckin dick fo some papyrus."

But yo, da Egyptians also correspond to the self-aggrandizement element of hip-hop.  Dey was all, "Life takes us all, word is bond, but I'ma make myself immortal.  Yo slaves, build me a fuckin pyramid!"  Now slavery is mos def not hip-hop, as hip-hop is all about freein yourself from mental slavery.  So in dat way I guess the Egyptians wasn't hip-hop.  But in dey obsession wit bein immortal? Hell yeah.

Dudes was also flossin like crazy.  More gold than a player's ball and dey even got buried wit mad lucre.  I bet if they was alive today, they'd be rappers and be all, "Yo, bury me in a Maybach while I'm wearin Pucci sneakers and Tru Religion jeans and a Gucci bucket cap and surround me with racks on racks and mad ice and hoes and fuckin Han Solo me in gold and platinum."

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WHAT WAS THE FIRST INCIDENCE OF RAP MUSIC IN HISTORY?: A REVISIONIST PERSPECTIVE (PART ONE OF MANY)

So yo, most of deez uptight Ivory Tower academics will tell you that hip-hop began in the South Bronx in 1973 when DJ KOOL HERC drunkenly yelled over a skipping record at a block party.  But we all know this is some propaganda BS better suited for the lie-bary, where they bury the lies!

Nah, anyone who truly understands rap music knows that it is a force of spiritual energy, a primordial pulse that has informed and nurtured human life since the dawn of time.  In service of the truth, we here at RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA plan to rectify the gross oversights perpetuated by the myopic establishment of rap music academics and charlatans.  Here we go, bruh!

So if you into evolution and shit, you believe in da big bang theory.  Basically the Universe was like, "Yo, Earth, you my son," farted real loud and shat out the Earth as we know it.  As we all know, to be called "son" is one of da worst insults in rap music.  So whenever da Earth get all uppity like, "Look at all my peoples, I got enough gold for chains on chains on chains, I got enough black diamonds to make a motherfuckin suit," the Universe be like, "Bitch, I am the father of your style.  Simmer down, son."  And that is straight hip-hop.

If u a Christian, you believe dat God created the Heavens and Earth, i.e., "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."  Word!  I like to think the Word was, "Yo," or "Swag," or "CHUUUUUCH," but I wasn't there so I dunno.  Whatever the case was, in my scriptural interpretation (and many respected Biblical scholars share my opinion), it sounds like God was rappin one day, probably solo dolo, and was like "Yo, we need a cipher in this bitch," and thus created the Heavens and Earth so he could have people with whom to battle and collab.

This is why it's so offensive when JAY-Z calls himself GOD MC or HOVA, cause he's just a pretender.  His whole career he been trying to erase God's contributions to hip-hop from the history books.  His lil album Watch the Throne was basically a dis aimed at God, 'cause we all know Hov is just a jealous herb watchin the throne for the real GOD MC.

Dis is also why people be sayin JIGGA is Illuminati or a Satan worshipper or whatever, cause he so closely resembles LUCIFER in the way he tries God's gangsta.  He think he on that level but at the end of the day he just a wannabe aiming darts at the king, hoping he can piggyback on God's fame by getting a response on God's next mixtape.  But yo, that shit ain't gonna happen.  Ain't you ever seen Waiting for Godot, Hovito?

Obviously, hip-hop begins at the dawn of existence.  But what was the next occurrence of hip-hop?  Tune in for the next installment of this thrilling series, as RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA traces the unspoken, forgotten, and surpressed history of hip-hop!