RAP GAME JERRY BRUCKHEIMER

"I SWEAR I NEVER TELL ANOTHER SOUL" (FT. YO GOTTI, FUTURE, TRICK DADDY)
The Palestinian you love to hate is back! Picture my schadenfreude when I realized Future stans would have to endure the latest brain dead ad-libs from rap's reigning king of What does he do again? Y'all hate on Khaled, but the man understands the zeitgeist. He saw that millennials was movin away from McDonald's and BK and got on that slow fast-food wave - boom, Finga Licking Chicken is born. And like Finga Licking Chicken, you got options on a Khaled mixtape. You ain't want chicken? Try some of that lobster, son. You don't fuck wit da MMG Session Players? Here's a side of Beans and Jada.

Act like there's been a better major label mixtape DJ since Clue. Like any true mixtape technician, Khaled checks off so many audiences that any rational listener is only gonna fuck wit about three songs, and maybe only part of those songs. But ay, that's the price of admission to this rap game variety show. Anyone puttin Trick on a song with Future is a'ight in my book, even if I'm ambivalent on the lyrical blah of Yo Gotti. Keyboard warriors, stay at home: Khaled's gonna keep makin money and shouting his name like a giant, dumb toddler. Let the haters hate and watch the chicken pile up.

DJ KHALED SNAKES THE BOSS AND ENTERS THE CHICKEN GAME!

Even though it's fashionable to hate DJ KHALED, I do not hate DJ Khaled.  He is FUNKMASTER FLEX minus any credibility. He gets on the radio, yells a lot, dicks around on a soundboard, and everyone goes home entertained.  Yeah his Warholian public persona is annoying, but that's an essential part of his heel schtick.  He's that Palestinian-American you love to hate *Yukmouth voice*.

That said, I gotta speak on some bullshit.  Fuck your Finga Licking Chicken, Khaled.  You know damn well RICK ROSS cornered the R&C (rap and chicken) market with his string of successful and delicious Wingstops.  How ya gonna do ya boy like that, you Fredo ass motherfucker?  I ain't never gonna eat your chicken, you clucker. 

In all seriousness, Finga Licking sounds better than the General's Fried Chicken shit the Bawse purveyin, but you can't step on no man's toes in the bird biz.   What's wrong wit Finga Licking Fattoush, ya leech?  I fucks wit small businesses and job creation, but Khaled finna fatten up my city to Khaled-level lumpiness.  Ayo, HHS!   Make these obese poultry magnates build a Jenny Craig for every franchise they open, call it a fatboy carbon credit.