IS RAP MUSIC RELEVANT TO MY JUICE HEAD LIFESTYLE?

SO YO!

Everyone who knows me knows I'm an enormous juice head.  Raging.  There's nothing more I like than taking a shot of testosterone to the dome and working out my deltoids, my quadriceps, perhaps my serratus anterior or some such vanity muscle.

But when it comes down to it?  Hip-hop is terrible for pumping that 'ron, the Fe if you fancy huh.  Why?  I dunno.  Maybe it's the fact that so much of it is weed driven.  The most cursory example: I been listenin to PROJECT PAT as I pondered this question and remembered to exert my "critical faculty" (I was drunk and high) on the song "Ridin on Chrome."

I thought, "Yo, maybe I could listen to this when I'm riding all reckless on the slopes of Jackson Hole.  But at da end of the day?  Nah.  I can listen to some WAKA (any LEX LUGER beat, really), maybe MEEK, some LIL B, probably a lil more when I'm gettin my fitness on, but overall nothin be makin me hit the elusive area known as "the douchebag's reverie."

What get me hype?  All da dope jams.  Nah mean?

GUCCI BE REVELATIN, WRITIN IN HIS DIARY LIKE PETEY PABLO

 

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!  Sup bitches.  Anyway, let's cut to the quick.  First of all, what's up wit alll da songs about "young niggas" these days?  Is old rappers really feelin that old and out of touch that they gotta write paeans to their young fans?  Shit is mad homo imo.

But yo, 4real, I was not expecting anything diaristic about Diary Of A Trap God.  Thought it was just  a catchy name GUCCI conconcted to keep da Trap God series movin, yamean?  But there are a few revealing moments on the mixtape, in particular the track entitled "Show A Young Nigga."  Besides showin love to his youthful harem, he also touches on some real shit dat the rap public been pondering as of late.  First off, he touches on da beef between him and JEEZY and T.I.  The beef wit JEEZY been broiling for years, but he gives a little new insight into the situation.  "I heard Tip and Jeezy say that they don't like me," GUWOP raps.  So all dis beef is cause he thinks these cats don't like him?  That some grade school shit, GUCCI.  Didn't know he was that sensitive.  Who cares what other ppl think of u?

Then he say, "They say I'm bipolar but my diamonds they sure live."  Now there been some chirpin bout GUCCI bein bipolar, but there ain't been no proof cause none of these rap bloggers been readin the DSM-IV, and I know they ain't wilin on that DSM-V tip.  This armchair psychologizin got some legs when GUCCI had his infamous Twitter meltdown a while back.  But yo, dis the first time he actually address this shit in song and adds credence to the idea that it was all a publicity stunt, or more accurately, a private-becomes-publicity stunt.

Is GUCCI bipolar?  Does this explain his erratic behavior?  Will GUCCI do for mental illness what FRANK OCEAN did for gayness?  Or will it all get swept under the rug like so much mental illness in aMURIKKKA?  I dunno yo, i just be sittin back and observing shit like my mane Alexis de Tocqueville.  Chuuuuuuuuuuuuch!

LET US REMEMBER GREAT RAP SKITS

So yo, by now it's a cliche to hate on rap skits.  It's like a big joke but not in the intended way.  And if you really wanted to be arch and ironic you could write something about how great rap skits are.  Ain't gonna lie, most of da time I'm goin with the party line and saying, "Nah, fuck skits."  It's only on the best rap albums that skits are  good cause they establish a mood and you always remember where and when you was listenin to this dumbass skit on this great rap album.  So this ain't no apologist shit for skits.  Skits is what skits is.  But that don't mean there ain't good skitgs.  This could be a series or maybe I won't update dis shit for another month or never again, Iunno.  Yeah.

So dis GHOSTFACE KILLAH joint.  "Heart Street Directions (Skit)" off Fischcale.  I can't find it on Youtube so y'all got look it on on Google or somethin.  Some chick is like, "You know how to get to Heart Street?" and ol' Ghostface is like oh you gotta turn left on Vagina Street and go down the Hershey Highway and make a u-turn on Butt Avenue and do something called "run into Walls."  And the chick listen the whole time.  Like wouldn't you think after he talked about Vagina Street she woulda been like, "Ok I get what this guy is about time to walk away from this sexual harrassment."  But naw she listen to him talkin about Tits Project and his man Balls.  Yo Toney, leave ya man balls BALLS out of it -- he a dignified cat.  This one always got me and the boys cracklin on the skislopes so big ups to GHOSTFACE for some ill retardedness!

DID MIGOS MAKE THE MOST PAUSEWORTHY SONG IN THE HISTORY OF NO HOMO?

 

So yo, we all know rap lyrics can be mad gay, and I ain't just talkin bout later era COMMON.  Gay lyrics is such a hallmark of the genre that the phrase "no homo" was invented so DIPSET could continue saying gay things without being dismissed as gaylords or makin us feel uncomfortable with our sexuality.  And all that talk bout "my partner" from cats like WAKA FLOCKA and T.I. sounds mad Fire Island.

But dis MIGOS song wit GUCCI MANE, "Dennis Rodman," is maybe da weirdest entry into hip-hop's overlooked but extensive history of gayness.  It's all in good fun, too; dey even clarify "she changed her hair again / no she no drag queen."  But really, Dennis Rodman?  Yo, if someone compared my chick to Dennis Rodman I'd have em lookin like Rudy Tomjanovich.

Thing is, I seen way way better looking drag queens than Dennis Rodman.  Qualifying it by saying, "she no drag queen" is kinda a dis to drag queens.  So what's it gonna be?  Is GUCCI and MIGOS gonna set off beef with BIG FREEDIA?  I hope so, cause rap battles is lackin spice these days.  This shit could be the best rap battle since LIL B/JOE BUDDEN.  Wake up, labelheads, this could save hip-hop.  I ain't even want a cut of the $$$ from the inevitable pay-per-view battle, cause I'm not in this game for the money -- I'm in it for the advancement of hip-hop!

INTERVIEW WITH SOMEONE WHO HATES RAP MUSIC

 

So yo, if there's one thing you can say about me (but be careful when you speak my name), you can say, "He likes rap music."  See my bio on the sidebar (new feature btw!)?  It says, "i like rap music."  When I die, my tombstone will probably read, "He liked rap music.  If there's an afterlife, he still does." So it's difficult for me to conceive that some people do not like rap music.  Here is an interview with one such character who rudely asked me to turn down my music when I was just bumpin some LIL ZANE for the rest of the bus to enjoy.

RMH: State ya name, son.

HATIN ASS FUCKBOY: My name is Wiley P. Finkmeyer.

RMH: You don't like rap music?

HAF: No.

RMH: Why?

HAF: Just never resonated with me.  I prefer jazz, rock 'n' roll, rhythm and --

RMH: (interrupting) Oh so you a racist?

HAF: No!

RMH: Yes you are.

HAF: No I'm not  My mom is half black.

 At this point, RMH may or may not have put a knife blade to HAF's throat.

RMH: ADMIT IT, RACIST!

HAF: I'm not a racist!

RMH: Yes you is!

HAF: No I'm not!

RMH: Yes you is!  You's a racist!  I bet you think black people always be eatin puddin pops while wearin sweaters.  I bet you think Latinos be wearin sombreros and Chinese people live in giant woks.

RMH rips open HAF's blazer.

RMH:  What this is?  This ya Klan uniform?

HAF: It's an Oxford shirt!

RMH: Don't lie to me, boy!

HAF: Fine, fine!  I'm racist!

RMH puts knife away and sits down politely.

RMH: Well personally, you racists make me sick.  This is a post-racial society.  Come join us, it's enlightened here in the 21st century.

So there you have it, straight from da horse's mouth.  People who don't like rap music are RACIST!

INTRODUCING THE NOTORIOUS PHD!!!

 

So yo, if there's one thing you could fault RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA wit (and I'm not sure you can), it's that we occasionally fail to give exposure to new artists.  The payola money we get from Viacom is just too compelling sometimes, and we ain't got time for you Bandcamp rappers who can't even hook us up with an Arby's Jr. Roast Beef Sandwich.

But yo, the other day I heard dis underground artist who made me flip my lid.  IDK bout y'all, but I'm sick of all these rappers talkin bout "bitch this" and "N-word that."  It's time we took it back to da Golden Era, when real MCs talked about real shit.   Dat's why I was so pleased to discover NOTORIOUS PHD.  First of all, he an OG New Yorker comin straight outta BK, now reppin da BX Boro as a Fordham University Professor of African-American studies.  He even an original member of THE WEATHERMEN but left cause he thought AESOP ROCK was an emo art hoe too far removed from that '88 boom-bamp he so loved.

 

Skip to @2:22 to hear my man NOTORIOUS PHD absolutely shit on the kinda gentrification I addressed in my post on A$AP ROCKY, Harlem, and a yuppie in a purple shirt, all delivered in the smoothest flow I heard since, well, SMOOTH B.  He even got a brotha doin beatbox so this shit be sittin sturdy on mad pillars of hip-hop (MCing, beatboxing, graffiti on his tshirt, and I bet if my homie was 40 years younger he'd even break out some fresh b-boy moves)!  Unfortunately there's a guy on his left just shakin his head and doin nothin and doin nothin is not hip-hop so I gotta dock -10 hip-hop points.

 

But yo, check it out!  Here he goin straight a capella, no DJ or nothin, on a dis track aimed at trickle-down economics!  +20 rap music points!   So yo, if you lookin for some ill political hip-hop and think KRS-ONE fell off or IMMORTAL TECHNIQUE isn't real enough, check out my mans NOTORIOUS PHD.  Shit is funky fresh and has a message.

DID JIGGA POOP IN HIS PANTS?

So yo, sometimes things here at RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA! take a little longer than ya average blawg.  We like slow food, son, cause like rap music itself, we good for your mind, body, and soul.  But erry now and then I gots to chime in on a pressing issue of the day.  And yo, right now I got more chimes than a hippie's porch on a windy day.

So yo, by now JAY-Z's lil "happening" at Pace Gallery in NYC is old news.  In short, JIGGA performed "Picasso Baby" for six hours on some MARINA ABRAMOVIC biter-type shit.  Dat hoe even blessed the event by showin up and doing some of her weirdo shit, surely a highlight of JIGGA's second childhood as an art-world stan.    I dunno why JIGGA so into rappin about art, cause he on some newjack cornball shit like an art school freshman who just copped a subscription to Juxtapoz.

But anyway, supposedly the whole thing was an homage to ABRAMOVIC's MOMA mixtape a few years back where she basically just hung out at the museum all day and pooped and peed in her pants (she says she didn't, but c'mon son, ya bladder ain't built like dat).  So did JIGGA pull an AL ROKER?  It was only six hours, but you never know when diarrhea might strike.  If nothing else, he probably had to take a leak during that time.  I mean dey already made Roca Pads, why not Roca diapers?

I hope he cops to it cause fo rilla, rapping about pooping in his pants would be a lot more interesting than whatever he rappin about these days.  Live and direct from the art world, RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA is out!