Saturday, April 25, 2020

SHE MY JERSEY CLUB QUEEN, MET HER AT THE BRICK BANDITS SHOW



When will Jersey club get its Wire gentrification? We've seen it happen for various forms of regional dance music (ghettotech, footwork, Balitmore club), but Jersey remains relatively untouched by the dance voyeurs and Yung Alan Lomaxes of the world*. Theories:

  1. Too similar, aesthetically, to Baltimore club.
  2. The New Jersey brand has been irreparably damaged by the likes of Tommy Cheeseballs, Joe Buddens, and Rick Ta Life.
  3. Detroit has contributed richly to American music and people will always care about the city's music. Chicago has the legacy of house music, varying levels of media infrastructure, and people with the means and inclination to document. Baltimore has some of these things. Newark, for the most part, does not.
Whether it was ignorance or "Trap Queen" fatigue, I missed this when it first came out in 2017. Paterson's biggest rap export collaborates with one of Newark's leading young EDM exponents and we slept?

It doesn't help that the production dulls the more dizzying aspects of the Jersey club sound, registering as a conventional 2017 rap song to the unbriefed ear. Was Jayhood playing it safe in hopes of a crossover career? Was Big Thinkpiece putting pressure on Fetty to produce another "Trap Queen?" Why would Jayhood put his verse before a multi-platinum artist's? As always, the probable answer comes in the form of a YouTube comment:



* Vice appears to have pushed it before and after their documentary on the genre debuted, but the coverage tapers to nonexistence by the time the Thump money dried up.

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

TIKTOK ON THE CLOCK, BUT THE THREATS TO NATIONAL SECURITY DON'T STOP



Yo, Dro! I know you’re not that young anymore, and I get it. In an effort to gain younger readers, I’ve been disguising myself as a zoomer—anime graphic tee, orange raver pants, the puffiest of white Balenciagas—and walking around community colleges with a baggie full of Adderall, careful not to tip them to the age-revealing viral hit from whence I took the idea.

“Sup bro,” I say. I dab once to ingratiate myself. “Yoooo deadass bro, how lit are Death Grips? Yeah, I don't remember 9/11 either.” I hit the Juul. “No cap, my droog, that and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy opened my mind to rap. I’m a deadass simp for those doomer vibes. Fr fr, how lame is the boomer remover? ‘Ok, boomer,’ right? Hey, have you read Rap Music Hysteria? It’s a really lit rap blog on Blogspot. Blog-spot. B-L-O-G-S-P-O-T. Forget it, I’ll Snapchat you the link. Alright, see you on Fortnite!”

It’s not my proudest moment, but at least I haven’t sunken to Dro’s level and started deadass, high-key, no-cap simping for TikTok! Are you insane, Dro? TikTok has been declared a threat to national security by zoomer political figurehead David Hogg. As much as I enjoy the cutting-edge comedic stylings of TikTok’s nascent Marty Allens and Sid Caesars, my solemn duty as a patriot comes before my laughter. Y'all memes and jokes are fun, quoth Hogg, but when you ride with TikTok, you’re riding with Xi Jinping!

Dro, you’re a legend and an innovator. If you need help reaching this younger generation, I’ll deadass lowkey swing by on an electric scooter (fr fr) and supply you with several baggies of prescription drugs popular with the zoomer demo—cause, no cap, I’m a Young Dro simp 4 life.

Saturday, April 11, 2020

ROLLIN ROLLIN ROLLIN WE AIN'T HAD HUMAN CONTACT IN WEEKS



When Spotify dropped this on my Release Radar playlist, I initially thought this man had stolen away with the 2007 zeitgeist and plopped it down in 2020 like B-Frase in Encino Man. Alas, it's an old track masquerading as a new release, but its striking similarity to "Shone" inspires fanboy visions of an alternate timeline in which post-Thizz Bay Areans meet BallGreezy and Grind Mode for a cross-continental movement of diaphanous MDMA club rap.

The actual rap? Not great. KidSpitz is a placeholding jobber, neither here nor there; then, like a rude and intense pop-up ad, E-40 appears with a copy-paste verse completely inconsonant with the elegantly lumbering mood. If I heard this in the club, I would have cold sweats and heart palpitations. I would lose my appetite for hedonism and take a smoke break outside. No one wants fast raps when they're rolling, 40!

It's all about the beat—the tone it sets, the era and psychoactive states it recalls. Though now paraplegic, BrownieRogue continues mixing, mastering, and breaking news for the legally embattled A-Wax.

If I escape COVID-19 with my life, I'm buying a '98 Mitsubishi Eclipse. I'm putting neon underglow and an obnoxious muffler on the motherfucker and rolling down Collins with the "Turnt Up" instrumental blasting until the cops drag me to TGK, peak Ja Rule levels of MDMA in my system.

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

AN ACCEPTABLE AMOUNT OF HARD FOR THE FUCKIN' RADIO



ARTIST UNKNOWN, "CAR CRASH SLIP OR FALL," DATE UNKNOWN

For years, TERRESTRIALiens have known that 411 Pain has the hardest commercial jingles in the game. From heart-on-sleeve pathos to parodic gallows humor, their musical sensibility empathizes the full range of emotion felt by someone who just got sideswiped by a jalopy. But where 411 Pain mirrors the larger trend of hybridized (or vanishing) regional styles by mining a panoply of styles, Freeman Law remains the foremost purveyor of bass music since Trick Daddy strategically euthanized the genre on "Scarred."  You won't hear Anquette unless you tune into the oldies station, so the closest you'll get to bass bliss are those 7 seconds (no Walk Together, Rock Together) of touchingly regional sponsored content. In the dialectic of global and local culture, score one for the isolationists!



GUAPDAD 4000, "PLATINUM FALCON," 2020

So what to make of its similarity to the chorus on Guapdad 4000's "Platinum Falcon?" Is it just an effect of the sing-songy approach and the phonetic similarity between "car crash" and "card crackin?" Am I being overbearing to suggest that Miami Bass has any claim on nursery rhyme constructions? Parallel thinking or cryptomnesia?

I'm hoping it's good old-fashioned plagiarism, because an artist who rips off Freeman Law jingles is an artist I can get excited about. If we live in a world where an artist can't sample radio jingles, then the Dust Brothers died for nothing.

Saturday, December 14, 2019

50 BEST RAPS OF 2019



2019: a diaper odyssey
Another year in the books, another decade in the grave. If, when I began this blog 2012, you told me I'd still be infrequently active at the end of the decade, I would've looked you in your demoniac time-traveling eyes and said, "Disappointing, but well within the realm of possibilities." Then I'd brandish my wacking baton and hold you hostage, demanding that you repent for violating the laws of space and time in between performing elaborate rap-hand choreography to an unintelligible, self-censored version of "All Gold Everything."

Why persist in the tepid breeze of the digital yawn? I haven't earned so much as an oxidized penny toiling away in this sinking morass of a city. A labor of love it is not. I am Ahab in pursuit of a white whale who becomes more inscrutable with the passing of each year. It's beyond good and evil, doesn't age, occupies infinite spaces at once. I closed my eyes and it had an undercut; when I opened them I saw a rainbow mane sinking into the deep. I'm getting old. My eyes are failing. Let me die.

I cannot die. Death piles up around me—I saw the most Dionysian rappers of their generation destroyed by Actavis and Pfizer—but I cannot die, it finds me dry and lacking, and so I make a list, a catalogue of semi-meaningful consumption.

Have you seen my list?

2019 raps
03 Greedo - 10 Purple Summers
Z Money - Where Ya Sent Em
Jooba Loc - Won't Shoot
Duwap Kaine - Plays
TisaKorean - Double Dare (Soapy Anthem)
AzChike & AzSwaye - Oouh
D Savage - Pill
Kemba - Deadass
Adé Hakim - Love Is Worth My Time
Asian Da Brat - Eskimo Flow
Chippass, E-40, ALLBLACK - Me
Baby 9eno & Cheecho - Germ
Slauson Malone & Pink Siifu - Off Me! and or The Wake Pt. 1 & 2
The Mekanix & Husalah - Buat My Money
Memo 600 & King Von - Exposing Me (Remix)
Quando Rondo & NoCap - New Ones
Young Nudy - Long Ride
Philthy Rich - Don't Forget
FMB DZ - 2K19
Gunna - Yao Ming
ZelooperZ & Earl Sweatshirt - Easter Sunday 97
Valee - You & Me Both
Stunna 4 Vegas - Fuckery
Megan Thee Stallion & Juicy J - Simon Says
Scarfo Da Plug & Brodinski - Off The Leash
Styles P - Give N Take
Soldier Kidd - No Rap Cap
Polo G - Deep Wounds
Malibu Ken - Suicide Big Gulp
Reese LAFLARE - What's Real
Slowthai & Mura Masa - Doorman
Kayvo & Keezah - Chicken Talk
Memo 600 - Steppers
$ilkmoney - Africa
Lil Tecca - Ransom
Mavi - Bloodbath
Pivot Gang & Kari Faux - Mortal Kombat
BlocBoy JB - Mercedes
Mach-Hommy & Quelle Chris - Chiney Brush
King Carter & Pink Siifu - Problems
NAV & Meek Mill - Tap
Swervyy, MallyBo, B-Rock - Do Yo Shit
Blvck Spvde & Ohbliv - Parallel
Rico Nasty - Time Flies
Blu & Oh No - Boogie To Flex
YS Ft. 1TakeJay, Ohgeesy - Bompton (Remix)
Danny Brown & Run The Jewels - 3 Tearz
Peso Chamberlain - Willie Mays
Rod Wave & Lil Durk - Heart On Ice (Remix)
Pop Smoke - Welcome To The Party

old raps
051 Montana & 051 Drilla - Facts
Erule - Listen Up
3re Tha Hardaway - Born in tha Ghetto
Prince Rahiem - Loose My Money
Ted Kamal - How Is You Feelin Vro?
Fonzworth Bentley, Kanye West, Andre 3000 - Everybody
Fonzworth Bentley, Pimp C, Lil Wayne - C.O.L.O.U.R.S.
Harlem World - We Both Frontin
Ma$e - Someone Like You
Sporty Thievz - Cheapskate



the decade in short
2010: roflmao check out this meme rap xD
2011: no but seriously, this meme rap is actually good, this guy has heard of cormega
2012: hey did you know the rappers in atlanta are taking MDMA? and that chicago has rap?
2013: maybe we can build a brand intellectualizing the bones of swag-rap
2014: did you know they break records in strip clubs? i hope to go to one one day.
2015: hey did you know the rappers in atlanta are taking MDMA sadly and androgynously? they're doing it in strip clubs, which is where they break the records.
2016: "at least we're gonna get some badass political rap! remember rock against reagan?you say to yourself as zoomers follow you down the unlit street, ready to pry the zeitgeist from your aging fingers
2017: where did all these crazy kids come from and why do they all like kurt cobain?
2018: death
2019: ok so get this, it's a branded advertainment show pairing très badass dababy w/ huggies's little snugglers line + death
2020: doing the mayor pete dance as the world burns?

Friday, December 6, 2019

JOE BUDDENS BEEN ON A LOSING STREAK SINCE 2009


You might object to the title of this post. "Buddens been losing since he came out his mama's womb," you say. Fair enough. In counterpoint, "Pump It Up" still hits when it comes on the old fart radio.  Summer of '03, brah—Buddens and Young Gunz had radio hits on the heels of the summer of Diddy and Loon. Diplomatic Immunity, kid. Chain Gang Vol. 2, pal. We mistook the dying breaths of East Coast rap's mainstream viability for an evolution, a return. Mea culpa, motherfucker.

If you reading this blog, you know all of Buddens's subsequent actions have been laughable. Who put the battery in the back of this one-hit wonder? Buddens saw Lil B bubbling in 2010 and his moustache-twirling ass got jealous.

Fast forward after some back and forth. Joe Buddens's balding, near-death body is dropped in the Palisades once Lil B merked him on the greatest diss song of the decade.

Can you murder someone who's already dead? A year prior in '09, ol' bloviating, delusional Buddens took exception to being behind Melle Mel on a Vibe list of greatest rappers. What followed was a line-by-line, clinical assassination from the swolest originator.

That alone would've been enough, but Melvin went even further by showing his proficiency with one of the more newly minted elements of hip-hop—the streaming video shitting-upon thereof. Peep game.

After taking a heinous, fact-based shit on Joe Buddens, Melle Mel seeks recourse in a chart—a 1-30 metric following a mugshot-style pipe-smoking human figure from head to haunches.

FIG. 1
"Melle Mel is number 5. I'm around the throat-part, or the mouth-part of hip-hop."

FIG. 2
"Joe Budden is down here, number 32. That's somehwere around the ass crack or the ballsack of hip-hop!"

Joe Buddens doesn't even fall within Melle Mel's metric. Buddens, you been trash. Come around me with your human ass-crack shenanigans and I guarantee you'll be needing the Preparation H.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

SCOOB LOVER IS STILL THE FATHER OF YOUR STYLE



I know I been on this tip, but why is Pressa allowed to live when Guerilla Black was mocked all the way to the rap graveyard? 'Cause he chose a more obscure artist from whomst to crib style? Admittedly, the Notorious B.I.G. is probably not the best artist to steal from if you're trying to get away with it it. It's like ripping off notorious sex pest Pablo Picasso, who gave these Young Turks (no genocide) the conceptual green light to bite style in the name of art. One time this bald idiot Pablo Picasso said some shit 'bout how good artists borrow and great artists steal, but no matter how you peel the tangelo, Pressa ain't a great artist.

Listen bruh, I get that millennial infantalization is a thing. I suffer from it sometimes like any of y'all in betwixt X and Z(oomers). Don't head into my domicile unless you want to step on hella rattles and soiled diapers. All that expressed, I don't want my rap metaphorically filling up a big spoon with baby formula and making that airplane sound as it jams that shits in my inner ear.

Pressa, you stole your whole style from Scoob. Throw the man some cash or put a footnote in your shit.