Wednesday, November 30, 2016

THE BEST SONG OF 2004 IN 2016



Kanye sayin wild shit about a Republican prez and Twista dropped a jack-rabbit love sawng over an old soul sample. Where the wrinkle at, space time continuum? Why we in some shitty version of 2004?

The Rose Royce sample is deployed somewhat unimaginatively, but who cares? Soundbreaking, maybe. The PBS program recently did an episode on hip-hop producers, focusing mainly on the contributions of such Caucasoids as Rick Rubin, The Dust Brothers, and Arthur Baker. The Dust Brothers produced, what, two albums anyone cares about? And the only one that's (arguably) a hip-hop record is Paul's Boutique? IMO, their best work is Hanson's "MMMBop."

We ain't racist here. We got much respect for whitey's contributions to the art of beatsmithing. But if they was gonna focus on melanin-deficient pioneers, why couldn't they give shine to Paul C, Mike Dean, and the Tuff Jew himself, Sir Scott Storch? George Martin, if u was still alive u would be an enemy of RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA. Everyone knows you was just a schoolmarm for the White Beatles.

Monday, November 21, 2016

GOT A RAP SHEET LONGER THAN MY BLOG ROLL



Ya boy just caught a charge on some flimflam. It is what it is, mayne. We was all sittin around watching Donald Trump sitting in a spray-painted gold chair. He was talkin to Lesley Stahl on that tick-tick-tick program. I stood up on the chair and started spittin fire: Jail is bad / This shit ain't rad / Make me so mad / Where the YouTube at? DJ Vlad. The trustee came up, handed me his Pono, and said, "Brother, Nipsey Hussle did it already." I began to cry.

1. Sittin in my cell, all I did was pray...
Tbh, I was mainly thinkin about asses and wondering if my mattress was a repurposed gym mat.

2. Called home once a week and tell my people I'm ok
If Nipsey was able to call out, he worth his weight in gelt. Them jail phones is an exercise in futility. Even if you get your peoples on the line, it's gonna disconnect before they can figure out the collect-call protocol. No wonder they sneakin smartphones in, cause these phones ain't even dumb - they just some dicks. Maybe he only called home once a week cause that's how long it took to get through.

3. Ask me if I'm stressin, I say 'Hell no, I'm straight,' / But you can see the difference cause it's written on my face
First thing they did was play a DVD on buttrape and I'm like

4. I been workin out, I been gaining weight
I was doin elevated push-ups and dips on my bedframe, but there were no good ways to work out the traps or lats. Smh, welcome to Trump AmeriKKKa. And gainin weight? How you gaining weight off a slice of baloney and American cheese? They did give us cookies at every meal. Know why? Cause we got the key 2 da sweetz!

5. I been having dreams about the day they crack the gate
You expect it to be like the intro for Ready To Die where they like, "Bet we gonna see your fat ass again, Biggie," and he's like, "Haha yeah right, I got big plans!", but they just said, "A'ight peace," and I went to the gas station to buy a protein-infused Starbucks doubleshot and a pack of cigarettes.

6. Planned to take over the world, I just ended up in jail
The realest line of the song. Few things more humbling than bein a grown-ass man stuck in a cell. You don't realize the freedom in being able to open a door until it's taken away.

FINAL VERDICT: Better than "Ball and Chain" by Social Distortion. These days I'm siding more and more wit FrankieThaLuckyDog's boredom with raps about money and all that unrighteous Babylon talk. I wanna hear about jerking off to King magazine and eatin baby carrots with a plastic spoon. A-Wax 'n' Nipsey remaking "Ball and Chain" w/ Mike Ness make it happen Internet make it happen.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

DANCEHALL MUSIC HYSTERIA, #5: ATTACK OF DA CLONE



This guy buggin me out. He look like Vybz, sound like Tommy Lee Sparta, and dress like Michael Jackson. How they lettin a guy who looks like the reanimated corpse of a teenage pimp substitute-teach our video hoes? Public education system in shambles, blood. Strangest of all, a guy who looks like the personification of depravity—a dancehall Dorian Gray—chose as his subject matter a matter so triflin' as booty shaking. At least he scores w/ the principyal at the end of the video, lookin like the setup of a Brazzers sex travelogue. There was a Brazzers on Greensleeves back in the day, right? Think he cut some records with Sizzla.

Saturday, October 29, 2016

DANCEHALL MUSIC HYSTERIA, #4



Ding Dong been a reliable source of novelty dance songs (my chief source of happiness these days), but Vybz kilt him on his own shit with this one. No pun intended. Motorcycles are cool, I just prefer songs about fighting and winning and partying to songs about automobiles. They are both good, however, and this time of the year is really about rocking the vote and making yourself heard!



It's this kind of behind-bars productivity that has dancehall pundits calling Varg Vikernes the Vybz Kartel of Norwegian Black Metal. The guy is definitely spooky. Rumor has it he started bleaching to look more vampiric. Whether this was a genuine interest in the supernatural or a crass attempt to cash in on the Twilight craze isn't for me to decide, though murdering and dismembering (allegedly) is a pretty convincing argument for Team Scary. In time for Halloween, here is a beautiful new song he made using werewolves as a metaphor for the fickleness of man. That'z the verzatility of Vybz: he's got songs in his catalog that make you wanna unbutton your shirt and stand screaming in the rain with tears down your cheeks, and you don't have to make some apologetic meme afterwards like a Drake stan would. Vybz knows, Vybz understandz. It's okay.

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

DON'T LET YOUR MAN ROCK ECKO IN 2016



Sometimes a video can make or break a song. You hear a song that's merely a'ight on teh radio or in teh club, but when you dial it up on YouTube you see the rapper in a cool car hanging out with haute womens and you think to yourself, "Maybe if I listen to this song, I too can be as cool as the guy in the video."

Unfortunately, the video for Young Flacs and Big Rome's "Keepin It Lit" is the opposite. What comes across as a perfect hybrid of slap and Chicano gangbanger rap when you're bumpin it on your Pono is marred by grainy cinematography and poor composition in its video form. Big Rome's awkward screen presence is no help. My man looks like Snorlax. Young Flacs on his Mexican Pac swag, but even this is undermined by a bad audio sync.

That said, I applaud their use of homegrown video hoes. Buy local, the personal is political, small economies to combat the globalist conspiracy. As always, a YouTube commenter says it best:



Yo undertaker, put that shit on my tombstone! "Just for a quick releaf that's it nuthin more"

PS

Shout out to this guy @1:45 pourin the Henny in his mouth so he don't lip the bottle with cooties.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

NEW YORK'S ALRIGHT IF YOU LIKE ICEYS



When the NYC Rap Dynasty started crumblin back 'round the turn of 2K, I couldn't wait to see it fall. I grew up on the shit, but the hubris of New York industry types made it highly entertaining when the music started to suck and the pricks started to sweat (nullus). And even tho they still tryna put fluoride in the water supply w/ not-ready-for-primetime plantz like Troy Ave and Young M.A, it's been long enough that I'm starting to miss the days when New York was the undisputed center of "the culture." I'm gettin old mane, there's a new generation who don't even remember when New York was kang. That ain't a problem, just means I'm making the transition from baby gangsta to old fart; what bothers me is the ppl my age swallowing the "Fuck New York" quarter-water and clinging blindly to the South's bozack, not realizing they're just a reversal of the last hard-heads who turned the 5 Boroughs into a sinking ship.

New York rap in 2016 is weird. It's a vacuum-sealed cottage industry like jazz since the '70s, self-consciously New York (and not self-consciously "hip-hop") in a way the old shit didn't have to be 'cause it was the gold standard. As with every iteration of Old New York's last stand, you can blame it on gentrification I think. And memes. Whatever. All I know is if you asked me about Joell Ortiz in 2007, I would have said he was a desperate symbol of NYC's retrograde rap scene. In 2016, I like a song about iceys he made with Bodega Bamz and Nitty Scott. New York is a lot of things—irritating, self-important, smelly—but it's got some cool shit too. Ima hold off registering with the Conservative Rap Coalition, but they can keep my name on the mailing list.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

WATCH US FREAK IT IN SWAHILI



Who else but RAP MUSIC HSTYREIA stay givin you the Lil Blood coverage you ain't want, but you know you need? Rap game lima beans. Usalama is a Swahili word that means "posse cut." With almost 20 guests in just under 4 minutes, "Usalama" is true enough to make noted Swahili scholar Tupac Shakur smile from the Thug Villa he presides over beyond the veil, where the bandanas flow like Alizé.

There's already some Saul Bass-inspired cover art floating around on the interwebs, so we the people demand a video. Boom, everyone emerges from a clown car, hoppin out the whip with a hot four bars like Krusty and his krew used to do when the cigars got laced in the wet.

Is the song any good? It's a'ight. But like Jimmy Gestapo used to say, At least dey fuckin tryin! What da fuck have you done?