Sunday, December 30, 2012


Another year down in the books.  It's been a good one, yo!  Personally, I been runnin shit in the J-Hole (Wyoming, stand up!) makin mad cream thru illegal means; I also got my ski instructor's license.  As far as rap goes, shit been poppin off dis year.  Let's get get get it!

He sound like a drunk uncle/goose, but you couldn't fux with the Feature King of 2012.  He'd just show up on some track, have a few great put-downs and an equal number of groaners, all delivered in an awkward, often off-beat braying.  Rap game DON RICKLES crossed with FOZZY BEAR and maybe even a little BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT.  You know why that new A$AP single sounds like it ain't even his song? Cause 2CHAINZ on it.  Well, 2CHAINZ and DRAKE, a/k/a the 21st c. rap game MARK PRICE and BRAD DAUGHERTY.

Yeah, everyone on KENDRICK LAMAR'S cojones, and rightfully so: he dropped da album of the year.  And unlike the flawed Section 80 LP, he didn't make any major aesthetic missteps, e.g. putting an MOR/Kevin Rudolf-type whiteboy singer on the chorus.  Real talk, that's one of the biggest evils in rap music these days (see BIG BOI'S Sir Lucious Left Foot for the gravest example).  But on top o' that, the underrated AB-SOUL dropped the quasi-conceptual Control System, an album that taught everyone at least one new vocabulary word ("chattel" in my case -- thanks Ab!).  And SCHOOLBOY Q continued to sound bemused and spiteful on Habits & Contradictions, talkin bout drunk drivin and all the things I love.

Dis was the biggest surprise of the year for me.  Never thought JUICY J would reinvent himself as a lovable, ageless rake, unapologetic about his inability to resist certain vices (ratchet pussy, drugs, etc).  This shit is still gettin overplayed, but still gets ppl hyped when it comes on, perhaps because it has an elusive flash of truth embedded in its Dionysian revelry.

Fuck y'all.  Lots of heads was sayin that DRAKE'S "Bitch you wasn't with me shooting in the gym" was the year's best line.  I mean it's fun to say and all, but really?  We can do better, America.  The best line of the year was obviously TRINIDAD JAMES' "Pop a molly, I'm sweatin! Woo!"  The runners-up are 2 CHAINZ' a/k/a Hair Weave Killa's "When ya girl leave me, she need a hair salon!," JUICY J'S "You say no to ratchet pussy / Juicy J cain't," and 2 CHAINZ' "She got a big booty, so I call her big booty."  There were no other good rap lines this year.  Sorry.

Damn, look how old he look; moreover, how stupid he looks in that BBC sweatshirt and backwards cap.  You like 46, B!  Wear some age appropriate attire - Sperry topsiders, baggy Dockers, raggedy ass polo shirts. Until then, JIGGA has officially entered "Cool Dad" territory.

Along with 2CHAINZ, MEEK MILL owned this year.  He had the radio hits and rapped circles round the comp on Dreamchasers 2.  More importantly, he was involved in one of the funniest rap stories of the year, i.e., his presence in DRAKE'S posse when CHRIS BROWN got his face busted open by an errant champagne bottle.  Thank you for your service, Milly.

Friday, December 28, 2012


So dis old head named Q-TIP obliquely dissed DEF JAM via the Twitter back like 2 weeks ago.  For those who don't know, Q-TIP was a member of A TRIBE CALLED QUEST, then a solo artist, and now a basketcase on some LAURYN HILL/SLY STONE-type breakdown; DEF JAM was a record label, a corporate enterprise that produced and distributed musical recordings back when such things were available exclusively thru physical media (CD, LP, cassette).

So Q-TIP called out DEF JAM for losing they way or some bullshit and certain members of the peanut gallery decided this dyspepsia was directed at their new artist TRINIDAD JAME$, who recently signed for $2 mil.  Mr. JAME$ only been rapping for a few months or some shit, and I guess mad heads have a problem with this.  I don't know.  It ain't really about rappin per se anymore...more about how compelling your brand/image is to the Tumblr market.  In this way, TRINIDAD JAME$ calls to mind A$AP ROCKY, a serviceable albeit unspectacular rapper whose mixtape LIVELOVEA$AP was nevertheless dope on the strength of ill CLAMS CASINO beats and A$AP'S blackman hipster persona.  He found a niche in the market and executed nicely.  Nuff respect.

TRINIDAD JAME$ is basically a southern A$AP: good-but-not-great-rapper with dope beats.  And for those ol bitches who gon be like, "Oh shucks, he cannot rap!  Waaaah, real hip-hip hop, etc etc," then take two listens to a GROUP HOME album and get back to me.  THOSE motherfuckers rapped like they were constipated and had a head cold - and they was boring as shit, I'm talkin zilcho personality - but they got by on the strength of those DJ PREMIER beats.  Add an interest in fashion (reclaiming sandals in the "All Gold Everything" video after they were defamed by JAY-Z or JIM JONES [I can't remember]), some trendy drug talk (pop a molly he sweatin, WOO!), knock-off CLAMS CASINO/"trillwave" beats, a Southern drawl to make it superficially more ignorant and BOOOOOOOOOM: southern A$AP, right down to the dollar sign in the name.

Peace sluts.

Monday, December 24, 2012


Even tho NELLY is obviously one of the G.O.A.T.'s, we here at RPA MUSIC HISTORIA! always thought "RIDE WIT ME" was mad suspect.  I was chillin with some pedos the other day and we got to talkin bout hip-hop.  I was like, "Yo, I can't fuck wit u on that pedophilia shit, but I agree, MIKE JONES was killin shit in '05."  I asked one of da pedos if I could transcribe our conversation and he said, "Sho nuff."

RMH: Yo.  First of all, thanks for takin time outta your child-diddlin schedule to speak to us.  We truly appreciate it.
PEDO: No prob, dawg.
RMH: Chuuch.  So you like NELLY?
PEDO: Yeah, I'm feelin him n shit.  He ain't really my type or nothin, but when he wears that Band Aid under his eye -- I like that look.  Reminds me of when one of my shorties gets a boo boo on the playground.

RMH:  That titillates you?
PEDO: Mad titillating, son.
RMH:  Word.  So what's your favorite NELLY song?
PEDO: "Ride Wit Me," dawg!  That song's straight up pedophilic!
RMH: Is that a good thing?
PEDO: That's the upper echelon, boy!
RMH: Break it down, playbwoy.
PEDO: Well the lyrics "If you wanna go and take a ride wit me" reminds me of back when I was allowed  within 1000 ft. of a school, getting some young men into my '84 Plymouth Voyager with the promise of some candied bon bons.

RMH: What kind of candy did you use to lure these shorties?
PEDO: Straight Willy Wonka, dawg!  The kids love those Bottle Caps, Laffy Taffy, Gobstoppers especially.
RMH: You one sick fuck, dawg.
PEDO: Sho nuff.
RMH: Continue with yo extrapolation.
PEDO: Aight, well the lyric "We 3-wheelin in the fo'" obviously refers to ridin tricycles with 4 year-olds.
RMH: I don't think so...
PEDO: Only God can judge me, B.
RMH: You can fit on a tricycle?  You like 5'10".
PEDO: Fo sho.  I had a Big Wheel made custom for me.

RMH: Damn homie, I think that's the most disturbing part of your story so far.
PEDO: Fuck you, fuckboy.
RMH: I don't even wanna know how you interpret the line, "Lookin for a little shorty hot and horny so that I can take home."
PEDO: That lyric never really spoke to me.
RMH: Really?
PEDO: Naw dawg, I'm just clownin.  I used to beat off to that line while reading a copy of Highlights magazine I stole from a pediatrician's office.

RMH: Well thanks for the look into your disturbing world, playa.
PEDO: It's all good.
RMH: Any last words?
PEDO: Big ups to all my fellow pedos livin outside the law.  People look down on us, but we just doin our thang.  Fuck the police!  You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy."
RMH: Ok ok we get it.
PEDO: Houston we have a problem.  ET phone home.  Royal with cheese.  And you will know my name!  Here's lookin at you kid.  Party on, Garth.

Sunday, December 9, 2012


Sup to all the headshakers and anonymous cretins.  We finna do this once again again.  So yo, like many a rap listener, I got swept up by the GUCCI MANE frenzy of '09.  My dude was killin it with the mixtapes - BURRPRINT 3, GUCCI SOSA, COLD WAR SERIES.  Like, he was goin off to the fullest!  Then he got locked up and checked into a mental health clinic and got a scoop of Ben & Jerry's tattooed on his cheek and kinda dropped off da rap map.

But never fear!  GUCCI dun returned with some fly shit!  TRAP GOD marks the return of that outlandish, impish GUCCI character we all love so much.  But am I da only one who notices the weariness in GUCCI's voice?  Maybe it's a symptom of age - a wiser, more contemplative GUCCI.  Or perhaps he's reluctantly accepted the repetition inherent to an established rap persona; that he is doomed to rap about bezels and trapping and fly bitches in a prison of his own making.  You can hear a similar abatement of aggression in RAEKWON's voice, another rapper who painted himself into a cocaine corner after CUBAN LINX.  Or I dunno maybe he was just RICK JAMES level coked up back in those halcyon '08/'09 days.

Friday, November 30, 2012


"I like listening to RICK ROSS on the way to my minimum wage job.  It provides me with the motivation necessary to chase that paper; to swallow my pride for another day and suffer the thinly veiled condescension of the leisure class sucklin pon da fat o' the land."

That's what some phag said to me the other day.  I nodded my head in assent, but really I was thinkin, "Dawg, you take shit way too seriously!"  I be listening to RICK ROSS in the same way I like watching a fucking STEVEN SEGAL movie or some shit.  It's the  kind of overwrought fantasy that momentarily allows us to escape the hideous boredom of the quotidian grind.  And fo sho we laughin at ROZAY just as much as we clownin on SEGAL fo his bufoonery!

But yo, errytime a new RICKY album comes out I be thinkin, "Damn he done come out with another classic!  ROSS got that MICHAEL BAY swag!  Lush cinematics!  Rap game SIDNEY LUMET!"  But the euphoria of a new installment in neon candy-dipped ROZAY land - a land of opulent freeway overpasses, strip clubs sticky with spilled champagne, and many many XXXL Hanes white tees - is as temporary and fleeting as the high from ROZAY'S favorite subject matter (cocaine [btw]).  Hits hard and quick.  And is there anything wrong with that?  I dunno.  I be snorting mad lines of yayo, so I says yes.

Thursday, November 29, 2012


Damn doggie, it been a minute ain't it?  I'm not gonna lie.  To paraphrase Stephen A. Smith, "Quite frankly, I knocked a girl up."  But it's all good now - let's not talk about it anymore.  It's in the past.

Yo, I know this a rap blog and all, but I'm also a journalist, and I be holdin' da media to standards of practice and shit.  I always be seeing mistakes and shit in so-called reputable publications, and when I see dat, I be like, "That's the shit I don't like."

Some of you flowerpot heads might have seent in the news that ANDREW W.K. was tapped as a cultural ambassador to Bahrain (dunno where that is, but I bet it is a shitty place).  Then like the fuckboys they is, the US State Department rescinded da invitation!  Wack shit, son.  But even wacker was the NY TIMES referring to AWK as "Andrew W.K., a rapper and party-anthem rocker," whom the fuckboy State Dept rejected "after they reviewed his work."  Sounds like you ain't reviewed his work yoself, homebwoy!

Like da irate media watchdawg I is, I immediately Googled tha author of this misinformation, JAMES C. MCKINLEY JR.  A lil background: homie went to Cornell University, Mizzou Journo School and got some blemishes on his record (no homo).  I wanted to hate tha dude, but then I saw this nutso Anti-Islamic blog that took Mr. McKinley to task.  Y'all can read up on that bullshit on they website, but the crux of the matter is this: when a nutjob punk emailed McKinley a stangry response for "failing" to identify a mass-murderer as a jihadist, McKinley responded with a terse "Fuck you" - no period even!  Gangsta shit!  And fo that, he earnded my respect.  Carry on, Mr. McKinley!

Sunday, September 23, 2012



Sup to all the parasites, bloodsuckers and bloggers on that fake tip.  RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA! finna do this shit once again.

So yo, a jit like me grew up listenin to JAY-Z.  Mane, he might even have been the first rapper I was really feelin, ya know?  Watching the vids for "Hard Knock Life" and "Money Ain't A Thing" wit JERMAINE DUPRI on The Box Network at the turn of the decade and seein' him in the video for DMX's "What's My Name" and realizing all this rap shit was interconnected...foundational moments in my life, dawg.

But yo, we all know Jigga fell off at some point.  His flow went from a lean, svelte panther to a bloated old man joggin in a sweatsuit.  Mad folks compare his post-Black Album output to MJ with the Wizards and it's true...only glimmers of his old brilliance padded with wild middle-aged beer gut.

But yo, it goes deeper than that; to stop at that comparison is some facile ass analysis, and we ain't down with that life round these parts.  Yo, he rilly rilly fell off when he stopped reppin dat bucket hat!  That shit was ill, son!  You know a rapper is at the top of his game when he can pull off somethin as wack as a white Gilligan bucket hat!  Ol' Bob Denver ass Hov in the "Big Pimpin" video!  Top of his game, son, like LL with the Kangol, like 50 with the Vitamin Water, like Mike Jones with the desperate give-every-hoe-my-number PUA tactics.

Friday, September 14, 2012



Ominous piano chords pierce the white noise of your complacent existence.  A gravel voiced DMX addresses "half-rappin ass motherfuckers" rhetorically: "You think it's a game? You think it's a fuckin' game?"  We know the answer.  These unnamed amateurs believe that "it" - whatever it is - is a game.

The DMX figure is hardened and amoral, calloused by the tumult and hypocrisy that burdens his lungs like water.  He has no friends.  He sheds blood, has no compunction about making others shed the very same substance.  He is a dog, forced to develop a predatory, survival-by-any-means mentality in the Darwinian world he inhabits; whether this is a matter of reality or distorted perception is unclear, yet the distinction is unimportant.  What reality is there outside of perception?  We can trust the DMX figure.  Though we may not like him or his actions, grizzled and world-weary, he maintains a code-of-ethics in the sneering face of moral anarchy.

He's not a nice person; he admits it, he is honest, and that's far more than can be said for the fraudulence that is unaccountably given a pass in these confused times.  Is he crazy?  Has he lost his mind?  Perhaps he has.  But can we blame him when he occupies a world of dubious value, a world whose standards and moorings are not observed?  What does it really mean to be insane in such a world?

Saturday, September 8, 2012



Sup to all the muckrackers and fly sensationalists.  RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA finna do the damn thing.  Ya boy been popping bottle after bottle of Ace of Spades at The Million Dollar Cowboy Bar, but bloggin is in my blood, son.  I used to stand on the corner late at night, leaning against the lamppost at zero-below, vapors comin out with each breath, boys in blue patrollin my block, just bloggin so I could put some food on the table to feed my lil daughter.

So yo, earlier I wrote about A$AP ROCKY's merely aight new song, "Purple Kisses," and I stand by that judgment.  But yo, the A$AP MOB compilation, Lord$ Never Worry, got some joints on it!  And once again, the dude A$AP FERG steal the show.  Y'all remember this fool on "Kissin Pink," where he imbued that shit with some BIG MOE style sizzurp sangin, and really brought the whole Houston/SCREWED UP CLICK meets NY aesthetic together.

On dis new track he just tantalizes dis blogger even more (no homo).  FERG drops dem ill rhymes in a slightly more conventional style on top of a somber understated piano RZA type beat.  Shit, boy.  Stealin da show once again!  And his daddy designed da BAD BOY logo?  Blood run deep, no joke.  Me n my daddy finna ski through powdery provences together once I meet him at da crossroads.  I guess I should call him and tell him I'm finna be 10-15 mins late.  Chuuuuuuuuuuuch!

Thursday, September 6, 2012



What's rilly real with your life?  I'm talking to you - the bulbous bitches and corn-shucking hatemongers, the understated diddy-boppers sitting on deuce deuces of cardboard and tin foil, the delicate aesthetes sticking suppositories of coke up they bootyhole for that instant, fast-acting high.  Woop woop!

So yo, this kid FUTURE recently come out wit some "whoa shit, I high as fuck on that molly, not sure if I wanna sang or rap" shit and the internet and, you know, "real" "life" and shit been goin' nuts!  I can see why, dawg!  Da kid got a fresh style, fresh beats courtesy of dudes like MIKE WILL and ZAYTOVEN...what da game been missin, namean?

He got lots of songs bout how the girl you in love wit ain't shit, that she just some dumb slut he might fuck when he done hippie flipping.  Or a concept song in which he compares his sexual prolificacy - "I got a bitch in every city" - to that of Michael Jordan.

But on dis track, he just lookin' for some sweet honeydip to be his wife n shit.  It's real sweet.  Makes you think of wandering around your room drunk with the lights off, bumpin' in to shit with your erection, tears streaming down yo face not merely from the pain of stubbing your dingdong, but also the loneliness crushing you as you feel blindly for the phantom dream girl who ain't materializing in yo reality.  But not like a DTF erection, more like a "I just wanna lay in her hair and watch Netflix" kinda erection.  Chuuuuuch!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012



Sup to all the punk bitches and da hip sluts out there.  Damn, yo.  This post was originally gonna be about how gay KANYE WEST'S "Bittersweet Poetry" is; I was gonna find some overly sentimental comment on da YouTubes, something from a teenage girl like, "OMG dis kanye song is deep shit son, chuuuch," but then something even more awful happened.  I discovered dis overbearing turd by da name of alwaysright10000.

Dis simp be writing like 8-section, numbered essays where he be droppin all sorts of words he learned in his Kaplan SAT prep course.  Calm down, son!  I learned dem words too (thanks Xi Li, you saved my ass on da math section especially!).   You just arguing with YouTube teenagers, dawg, callin em fags would be much more effective trolling.

But damn yo, as a student of da English language myself (shout outs to Shakespeare, Milton, all dem dudes), I gotta say: dis is some shitty-azz writing!  Just full of flab, dawg.  You gotta cut that shit, pare yo prose of dem superfluous adverbs and wack-ass adjectives.  Like, you wanna sound smart and I can appreciate dat, but really you're just makin yoself look like a try-hard bitch.  I believe this is what GHOSTFACE KILLAH meant when he referred to "smart dumb [black persons]" ("Biscuits," The Pretty Toney Album).

Damn, this is some cringe-inducing-ass writing!  So overloaded with lard words.  And he 33?  Bad enough dat he a grown-ass man arguing wit YouTube retards, but even worse dat he suck so much dick at writing.  But yo, real talk alwaysright10000, I wanna help you out: cop yoself one of deez books on concise writing and da new 2 CHAINZ album.  You'll be pimpin shit like me in no time!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012



Aw snap, sadatay my damies?  It's been a long minute and whatever 'cause ya boy done left da Jax Hole for da big city of Cheyenne (Chey-Town, stand up!).  I been movin weight and all that, bringing back snow for all da skiers on the Jackson Hole slopes if you know what I'm sayin!  But let's get this shit crackin already, chuuuch!

So dis kid GUNPLAY comin outta Miami been spittin some weird shit for a while, ex-cokehead flows that are mad cartoonish but technically proficient.  He is one ugly ass dude and with those dirty ass dreads you know he be smellin like pickled ball sweat.  He even mention how he ain't bathe in 3 days in this remake of da TRICK DADDY classic, "Nann Black Person."  SMH Gunplay, I know utilities is expensive n shit these days but you gotta maintain your hygiene swag.

 So da remake is aight, but even better is dat he got da baddest bitch TRINA on da track!  Oh snaps!  Trina used to get my wee wee so hard back in the day, in particular that hot outfit she was wearin in da "Shut Up" video, all struttin around like some hot baton-twirling strumpet.  Ay dios mio!

Yo TRINA, if you ever find yoself in Jackson Hole, WY, holla at ya boy!  I got mad hookups in dis bitch.  I could get you 1/2 off on ski rentals and a 3-day pass on da house!  Chuuuuch!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012



Sup hoodrats?  It's ya boy, back in the building.  As any hip-hop head worth his salted peanuts knows, da god LIL BOOSIE is currently incarcerated on some bullshit.  But yo, even though he look like a lil adorable goblin, homie could spit with the fluidity.

Peep him goin wile in this clip.  Guest appearances by an incapacitated lookin' goon and some goofy-ass randoms at the end.

And please, pray for Boosie.  He is very little and, as you can see in these clips, has a joyous and childlike smile.  I truly fear for the state of his butthole.

Saturday, August 18, 2012


Peace to all the suckas, hoes and skeezers out there.  RAP HYSTERIA! is in the building once again again.  Time to do this shit!

Aight, so as erryone knows, 2 CHAINZ been blowin up this year.  He's aight and whatever, got some hot guest verses here and there, e.g. "Beez In Da Trap" and that dope line "Coupe the color of mayonnaise" on "Mercy," but most of the time I think he sounds like a drunk Bill Cosby croaking in the gutter.  I heard the horrendously titled T.R.U. REALigion mixtape (what's up with his Tru Religion fetish?  Them shits is ugly, dogg), and it had some jams on it but nothing life changing.

That said, some dude named Randall Roberts (LA Times) slammed homeboy's debut album.  I guess it shouldn't matter what he looks like, but it totally does, so check out this effete ol' herb waxin' long-winded below:


Bitch you wasn't slangin hard wit 2 CHAINZ in the gym!  It's cool doe, he's entitled to his opinion.  But as if Roberts' floppy indie bangs weren't suspect enough, ol' fuckboy tosses out this credibility shattering line: "But as fellow rap chart lottery winners DMX, Mike Jones and Lil B can attest, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make a mark..."

Is you serious, homey?  I'm a LIL B fan, but ok I get it, not for erryone.  But DMX?  You fuckin kiddin me, son?  I know it's askin a lot of a dude with indie bangs to get it, but REAL HIP-HOP HEADS stay pumpin iron to DMX - all shirtless and greased-up and ready to hit the showers (no homo).  He wrote "Ruff Ryders Anthem," dogg..."Ruff Ryders Anthem."

Btw, here is his Pazz & Jop ballot from 2011.  Dis middle-aged goon voted Ariel Pink, Joanna Newsom, and (I think) a McSweeney's comp as his favorites of '11.  Oh yeah, and that BIG BOI record from 2010.  Very current, Mr. Music Expert Man.

Randall Roberts, I will grab your indie bangs, stick yo' head in the toilet and swirlie that shit until you agree never to write on RAP MUSIC again.  Peace!

Thursday, August 16, 2012



Sup gangstas and gangstettes?  Now you might be thinkin, "Oh, he just bein' contrarian, tryin to stir the pot like the annoying little punk he is," but hear me out!

Let's take a look at the history of freestyles.  The freestyle was created in 1995 when BIG L and JAY-Z appeared on the Stretch and Roberto show on WNYU.  Thing was, it wasn't exactly really a freestyle.  Both MC's rhymes were meticulously crafted and the only thing "free" about it was how free they were being with the definition of the word freestyle.

Real freestyles are mad awkward and unpolished.  Peep dis '93 clip of Nas appearing on the very same Stretch and Roberto program.  You can tell his first and last verses are true freestyles cause they so full of mistakes n stutters n shit.  The second verse is perfectly phrased and, not insignificantly, later appeared on "Memory Lane" when Illmatic dropped.  Either he came up with that verse on the spot, or someone's bein fast and loose with the definition of freestyle.

So Jigga is no different.  I bet dude had an arsenal of writtens every time he appeared on the Stretch and Roberto Hip-Hop Program.  Nothing wrong with that.  But LIL B is the first rapper to actually take his real freestyles and put em on record as finished products.

Yeah, Jigga used to freestyle his verses in the studio, but they'd edit that shit to polish the edges.  LIL B leaves his freestyles relatively untouched, blemishes and all.  That's what Jigga does on dis new RICK ROSS joint and you know he's takin pointers from da kid.

I unno just my thoughts.  Not like RICK ROSS didn't already steal LIL B's copyrighted "WOOP WOOP!" JAY-Z, you a swagger jacker and swagger jackers get jacked!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012



Sup you dogass hoes?  Real talk, y'all, if there's one thing ya boy can't stand it's fakes; that extends to people as well as True Religions (I hear ya Keef!).  I was at Mangy Moose the other day, pullin bitches and sellin Oxys to some bitchass tourists, when local rap sensation Snow White came in with his Powder Blu Cru.

I used to be kinda tight with Snow White back in the day.  We'd hit the slopes together and rob tourists for their North Faces and what have you - you know, mad gully gangsta shit!  But since he been poppin off on a statewide level, the fame has gotten to his head.  He didn't even hook me up with a moist towelette when I was bossin on some buffalo wings!  Homeboy, my hands wuz dirty!

Snow White, you got a price on yo head, real talk.  But TOMMY WRIGHT III is a real ass dude.  I listen to his music and think, "Man, I bet me and Tommy would have so much in common.  We are both wandering this crazy road we call Thug Life."  Hit him up on Facebook! 

And Tommy, if you readin this, come on man, unblock me!  I know I been spammin and whatnot, but wait till you hear my demo, homey!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Shit sounds like he's treading water.  Yeah there are some cool parts and whatevs, but overall I ain't fuckin with it like anything on LiveLoveA$AP or even that weird unofficial comp DatPiff had on their website.

I dunno, maybe it's like a Yes or Genesis album or something where I need to listen to it five times at 78 rpm while hittin astral planes on an ayahuasca trip before it actually sinks in?  To be honest doe, the shit reminds me of comin down from ecstasy which is one empty-ass feeling.

ASAP, you my dude n shit, but if you don't come with something hotter next time, I'ma strangle you with an Yves Saint Laurent bowtie.  RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA! has spoken, bitches.



First time I heard SKAM DUST, I thought he was fucking retarded.  Then I realized it was me who was fucking retarded.  Skam Dust is pure brilliance, the kind of shit that makes me wanna sniff glue in an alleyway and stick up tourists for their Salomons (outta towners, stay the FUCK out of Jackson Hole, yaheardme?).

I like how even though the song is only 2 minutes long, half of that is just Skam Dust rambling about how he's gonna "fuckin kill ya!"  Chuuuch!

So listen up Jackson Hole pussy ass tourists: stay the fuck off my block or I'ma hit you with the ratchet while listening to SKAM DUST on my pink iPod shuffle!


Sup fuckboys?  Yo, while everyone was pullin their sausage to Danger Doom and Kanye's Late Registration, the real goons in Da Jack Hole (Wyoming, stand up!) were blastin YOUNG JEEZY's Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101, taking notes and learning from the master in this introductory course to Thugonomics.  Yafeelme?

Revisionist hoes who hated Get Rich Or Die Tryin' when it came out are clamoring 'bout how that was a classic all of a sudden.  But what about Young Jizzle from the bottom of the map?  This shit defined the transition from the fruity post-Bad Boy sound in the early '00s to that ATL/Southern trap shit.

Y'all remember "trap-hop?"  Some hoes at The Village Voice or Pitchfork were throwin round that wack-ass term before real thugs shot it down.  Chuuuch!

Monday, August 13, 2012



What's poppin hoes?  It's ya boy back in dis bitch.  You know how we do.  HYSTERIA time!  Hide ya girl cause I'm finna say, "Hello darling, shall I compare thee to a tight bombass chocha?" to her.

Way back in the Golden Era of hip-hop there was a little collective named State Property.  It consisted of Beanie Sigel and a bunch of miscreants from the Philadelphia area.  One such contingent was the group YOUNG GUNZ, who were Young Chris and Lil Neefy.

They popped off with this hit back in, I dunno, summer '03 and I was doin the Harlem Shake like crazy to this joint.  You couldn't stop me man!  I had the XXL Fubu tracksuit in baby blue and a pair of fresh Dadas to top it all off.  Sometimes I'd even rock a white du-rag so I'd be thugged out to the fullest.

Anyway these dudes fell off hard and last I heard they were dancing in G-Strings for tips.  Sad, they could've been the next Eric B & Rakeem.  Stay in school, kids!



So this lil tyke named JOEY BADA$$ comes out and all the old heads are shitting their Depends like, "OMG, this kid's young and he sounds like A Tribe Called Quest!  Real Hip-Hop!" then they farted, watched some "Matlock" and fell asleep in their own drool.  I was like, "Word, definitely don't need to hear that shit."

But I checked it out and it turned out to be aight.  Nice lil melancholy summer vibe to it without being too retrograde, gnomesayin?  It isn't on that wack depressing lyrical lyrical NY shit.  If you gotta compare it to someone I'd say it's got that nice "let's blaze up cause we young" vibe of SOULS OF MISCHIEF.  Not gonna reinvent the wheel or nothin, but fuck I didn't invent no wheel so I can't front.

But really?  Your name is JOEY BADA$$?  Literally the wackest name in the rap game, and we're including JAY ELECTRONICA.  Dawg, you're like 15 years old.  I'm a grown-ass man and I lift weights.  I will beat the everloving shit out of you.



Yeah, this ain't really an unpopular opinion or nothin', but I gotta chirp chirp on this shit.  I actually had high hopes for this.  You know, Snoop has needed to reinvent his image for a long time.  But why couldn't he start doin coke and making gabber tracks instead?  We get it brah, you like weed.  Shit is played out.

And DIPLO, even though he's a lil hipster fuck, he's done some cool shit like that GUCCI MANE remix album a few years back.  Yeah it was hipster bait, but you gotta get the white people to listen somehow right?

Snoop Lion you a fake, and I will beat you with my Rasta hat.

Sunday, August 12, 2012


As Tony Yayo says, "We on fiiiiiiyaaaah!" today here at RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA!  I am just very excited to be blogging my thoughts about rap music, because I love rap music like a child who might mug me on the street and/or teach me about the hardened realities of ghetto urban life.  Chuuuch!

Anyway, we all know that JAY ELECTORNICA spits that hot fire, but man what a fuckin feeb.  He's the kind of dude who shaves with Lush shaving cream and drinks that Whole Foods kombucha shit that tastes like pickled ball sweat (no homo).  "Dear Moleskine?" For rilla?  Maybe the gayest song title I've heard in my life.

Anyway homey was porkin some rich bitch named Rotschild in England, which I guess is pretty cool, but this hipster dork definitely would do shit like that.  He probably speaks with an English accent now and eats vegan bangers and mash.

Jay Electornica, you a pussy and I will fight you.


What's good gangstas?  I heard this song the other day when I was cruising round Da Jack lookin for bitches.  Just blasting some hip-hop tracks, you know how we do.

Then all of a sudden the radio played these dope murder synths and I was like, "Oh shit, it's poppin!"  I lit up a blunt and enjoyed the sweet sounds of "Pop That," a new song by French Montana, Rick Ross, Little Wayne and Drake.

Oh snap y'all, it's a posse cut!  I haven't heard a dope posse cut in a long time.  THis takes me back to the days of Tribe Called Quest's "Scenario" and Shyhiem's "Soul In The Hole."  What you know about that real hip hop poser?

It also reminds me of that old school New Orleans bounce.  You know Lil Wayne be shoutin out to DJ Jimi n all dem when  he be talkin bout suckin a niggas dick for something!  Takin it back to that Nolia yaheardme?

This shit is tight and I know there be haters and whatever, but check how my man on Youtube lays it out.

You got that playa?  It's a free fuckin country so stop bein a fuckin fascist nazi.


What's Gucci yall?  Welcome to the hip-hop blog called RAP HYSTERIA.  here we will talk about all sorts of good rap music and sometimes talk about shit that sucks.

First things first, did you hear about Lil Wayne retiring to skateboard?  I think that's really gay.  Lil wayne is cool, but he should stop being such a gaywad and rap songs again.  Oh well just my thoughts.

Also DJ Khaled is being evicted for not paying rent.  I think Khaled is pretty cool and has a sweet presence on songs, but he is also a fat oompa loompa from New Orleans who fronts like he's from Miami.  Or he's from Orlando I dunno.  Anyway I don't doubt he's pretty gangster, but you have to pay that rent my man!