Tuesday, April 16, 2013


So yo, most of deez uptight Ivory Tower academics will tell you that hip-hop began in the South Bronx in 1973 when DJ KOOL HERC drunkenly yelled over a skipping record at a block party.  But we all know this is some propaganda BS better suited for the lie-bary, where they bury the lies!

Nah, anyone who truly understands rap music knows that it is a force of spiritual energy, a primordial pulse that has informed and nurtured human life since the dawn of time.  In service of the truth, we here at RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA plan to rectify the gross oversights perpetuated by the myopic establishment of rap music academics and charlatans.  Here we go, bruh!

So if you into evolution and shit, you believe in da big bang theory.  Basically the Universe was like, "Yo, Earth, you my son," farted real loud and shat out the Earth as we know it.  As we all know, to be called "son" is one of da worst insults in rap music.  So whenever da Earth get all uppity like, "Look at all my peoples, I got enough gold for chains on chains on chains, I got enough black diamonds to make a motherfuckin suit," the Universe be like, "Bitch, I am the father of your style.  Simmer down, son."  And that is straight hip-hop.

If u a Christian, you believe dat God created the Heavens and Earth, i.e., "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."  Word!  I like to think the Word was, "Yo," or "Swag," or "CHUUUUUCH," but I wasn't there so I dunno.  Whatever the case was, in my scriptural interpretation (and many respected Biblical scholars share my opinion), it sounds like God was rappin one day, probably solo dolo, and was like "Yo, we need a cipher in this bitch," and thus created the Heavens and Earth so he could have people with whom to battle and collab.

This is why it's so offensive when JAY-Z calls himself GOD MC or HOVA, cause he's just a pretender.  His whole career he been trying to erase God's contributions to hip-hop from the history books.  His lil album Watch the Throne was basically a dis aimed at God, 'cause we all know Hov is just a jealous herb watchin the throne for the real GOD MC.

Dis is also why people be sayin JIGGA is Illuminati or a Satan worshipper or whatever, cause he so closely resembles LUCIFER in the way he tries God's gangsta.  He think he on that level but at the end of the day he just a wannabe aiming darts at the king, hoping he can piggyback on God's fame by getting a response on God's next mixtape.  But yo, that shit ain't gonna happen.  Ain't you ever seen Waiting for Godot, Hovito?

Obviously, hip-hop begins at the dawn of existence.  But what was the next occurrence of hip-hop?  Tune in for the next installment of this thrilling series, as RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA traces the unspoken, forgotten, and surpressed history of hip-hop!

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


Does this look like a rapist to you?  Hell naw, he wearin a suit and we all know rapists don't wear suits.  Well they do I guess, but they usually polyester leisure suits and that's a whole 'nother animal.

Anyway, my mans RICK ROSS a/k/a ROZAY a/k/a OFFICER RICKY a/k/a WILLIAM ROBERTS, JR. been catchin mad static over his line in da otherwise CHUUUCH-tastic "U.O.E.N.O," a barnburner featuring the likes of ROCKO and Tigerbeat pin-up FUTURE.  I guess RICKY felt the heat thru the slabs of blubber padding his skeleton and empty soul and decided to respond.  He explained, "there was a misunderstanding with the lyric, a misinterpretation," citing as evidence that the word "rape" was never used in the song.

So fall the fuck back, feminazis.  Even doe he rap about droppin a molly in a bitch's champagne without her knowledge, taking her home, fucking her and enjoying it ("and she ain't even know"), he never sez da word "rape," so obviously it ain't rape!

Maybe some of you dumb feminists and/or victims of sexual violence should've paid more attention to your critical theory when u was at ur liberal arts school, understood that the author is dead, content is secondary to form, and art need not be moral.  So when RICK ROSS drugs you and rapes has sex with you, you can have an aesthetic appreciation of da act and be like, "Yo, I ain't really feelin dis content, but the form is sublime."  Then you can be on par with us phallocentric male rap bloggers and understand rap on a deeper aesthetic level, i.e., a social vacuum of detached sophistication.

Peace fuckboys!