WHERE'S THE BEEF?

When Jay-Z and Nas was beefin ya boy was in the Nasty One's corner, cuz I stay rootin for the underdog. But something in me rebelled when ether became a verb meaning to decimate an opponent, as if everyone agreed that Nas won—as if Nas hadn't lost just by being Nas in 2001. Comparing "Takeover" to "Ether" is apples & oranges. One is the playful provocation of a king shooting peas at his underlings; the other a listing of grievances from a disgruntled rival now fallen from grace. Then there was the bad history of Rockefeller dying of AIDS, which has since been clarified by the Jaz-O scholars of Rap Genius. The whole song relies heavily on a kind of schoolboy homophobia, which is occasionally hilarious - the Tae Bo ho line is classic, "Gay-Z and Cock-A-Fella Records" glitters with dumb brilliance - but mostly amounts to uninspired namecalling.

Let us now turn to one of the sorriest chapters in Rap Beef History, one that would have stayed on Twitter had it happened today. Witness "The End of Joe," in which Ransom spends the final four minutes referring to "Joeback Mountain" as a faggot, fruitcup, and fudgepacker before succumbing to the giggles. In typical scoundrel form, Buddens dropped a 9-minute response: three minutes of trap-flapping and six minutes of preening for the crowd.

Buddens wouldn't be Buddens if he didn't pick on weaker opponents. A few years later he got ethered with the best dis of the decade when he tried the same with Lil B. Buddens would never respond. All said, still a better beef than Drake vs. Meek Mill. James Harden deserves the Based God Curse far less than his fellow beardo Joe Buddens; then again, Joe Buddens's whole existence might be a curse. Word 2 Joe Booty: bet you still jack off with your buttcheeks out reading RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA!

DO REAL HIP-HOP HEADS DREAM OF JAY ELECTRONIC SHEEP?

Ladies and gentlemen, that publicity shot has not been Photoshopped.  He really is holding a fucking censer in front of a rustic mountain scene, probably dropping an "Ommmm" or two for max godliness.  Who created this monster?  Soundbombing nostalgists?  The same peeps who pushed Saigon's Greatest Story Never Released as the next Illmatic?  The hippie who pays for his weed and ponytail ties sellin spiritual books on the street?

"San Pellegrino With Lemon" and "Dear Moleskine" are two of the corniest titles in rap history, but I gave Jay Downbeat a pass when he dropped that "Exhibit C" fire.  I guess he ran out of Deep Thoughts soon after, cause he took his Moleskine home and floated off into Salingerland.   Like Andre 3000, he's spent over half a decade diddling himself on a bed of laurels.  Except he hasn't earned it. Andre has more classic verses in his catalog than this thrift-store shaman has words.

Part of me hopes he's pulling some highly advanced pompousness-as-performance-art type shit, but there aren't enough punchlines for that to be true.  Doesn't he have any friends to pull him aside and say, "Who the fuck you think you is, Father Yod?  Write some raps!  How you tryin to be Sun Ra when you ain't even got an album out?"  Or do they consider it a privilege just to lick this bogus guru's backpack straps?



"Road To Perdition," released telepathically via ectoplasm, "features" Jay-Z in the same way "Otis" featured Otis Redding.  Guess they're trying to make hubris the new 30, but it just comes off like they're givin 'emselves blowies (I bet Jay Electroclash can do that because he is probably a master at tantric yoga, and also I heard his dick doubles as a hoverboard).  His fans been waiting 47 lunar phases for some new heat and all he has is some played-out punning on Big Daddy Kane and Cain and Abel?  Yo, I also thought that "Grindin" line was hot--when it came out like 15 sun-earth orbital cycles ago.  Arm legga legga...

Jay-Z is the classic chump to fall for a charismatic charlatan like Jay IDM: rich, vapid, and willing to part with his money for the greater cause.  Shouts to L. Ron, I see you Kirtanananda Swami.  Even as I write this, I'm sure Jay Dubstep is in a meditation chamber he built with Roc Nation money, desperately trying to levitate and laughing at how easily he swindled America's favorite hustler.  Watch for Jay Drum 'n' Bass's Electric Circus in 2025.

It's painfully transparent that Jay Electronica is trying to cultivate a reclusive genius aura, but I have no respect for that racket.  I give it to artists who put in the work and manage to produce more than one or two puffed-up event singles a year.  These are rap tunes, not scriptures.  This dude might sip on organic Micronesian breast milk, but he gets rid of it the same way we mere mortals do.  [Ed. note: Jay's reps are telling us he actually gets rid of waste through a sustainable system of suction cups, pulleys, and glitter.  We regret the mistake.]

DID JIGGA POOP IN HIS PANTS?

So yo, sometimes things here at RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA! take a little longer than ya average blawg.  We like slow food, son, cause like rap music itself, we good for your mind, body, and soul.  But erry now and then I gots to chime in on a pressing issue of the day.  And yo, right now I got more chimes than a hippie's porch on a windy day.

So yo, by now JAY-Z's lil "happening" at Pace Gallery in NYC is old news.  In short, JIGGA performed "Picasso Baby" for six hours on some MARINA ABRAMOVIC biter-type shit.  Dat hoe even blessed the event by showin up and doing some of her weirdo shit, surely a highlight of JIGGA's second childhood as an art-world stan.    I dunno why JIGGA so into rappin about art, cause he on some newjack cornball shit like an art school freshman who just copped a subscription to Juxtapoz.

But anyway, supposedly the whole thing was an homage to ABRAMOVIC's MOMA mixtape a few years back where she basically just hung out at the museum all day and pooped and peed in her pants (she says she didn't, but c'mon son, ya bladder ain't built like dat).  So did JIGGA pull an AL ROKER?  It was only six hours, but you never know when diarrhea might strike.  If nothing else, he probably had to take a leak during that time.  I mean dey already made Roca Pads, why not Roca diapers?

I hope he cops to it cause fo rilla, rapping about pooping in his pants would be a lot more interesting than whatever he rappin about these days.  Live and direct from the art world, RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA is out!

WHAT WAS THE FIRST INCIDENCE OF RAP MUSIC IN HISTORY?: A REVISIONIST PERSPECTIVE (PART ONE OF MANY)

So yo, most of deez uptight Ivory Tower academics will tell you that hip-hop began in the South Bronx in 1973 when DJ KOOL HERC drunkenly yelled over a skipping record at a block party.  But we all know this is some propaganda BS better suited for the lie-bary, where they bury the lies!

Nah, anyone who truly understands rap music knows that it is a force of spiritual energy, a primordial pulse that has informed and nurtured human life since the dawn of time.  In service of the truth, we here at RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA plan to rectify the gross oversights perpetuated by the myopic establishment of rap music academics and charlatans.  Here we go, bruh!

So if you into evolution and shit, you believe in da big bang theory.  Basically the Universe was like, "Yo, Earth, you my son," farted real loud and shat out the Earth as we know it.  As we all know, to be called "son" is one of da worst insults in rap music.  So whenever da Earth get all uppity like, "Look at all my peoples, I got enough gold for chains on chains on chains, I got enough black diamonds to make a motherfuckin suit," the Universe be like, "Bitch, I am the father of your style.  Simmer down, son."  And that is straight hip-hop.

If u a Christian, you believe dat God created the Heavens and Earth, i.e., "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."  Word!  I like to think the Word was, "Yo," or "Swag," or "CHUUUUUCH," but I wasn't there so I dunno.  Whatever the case was, in my scriptural interpretation (and many respected Biblical scholars share my opinion), it sounds like God was rappin one day, probably solo dolo, and was like "Yo, we need a cipher in this bitch," and thus created the Heavens and Earth so he could have people with whom to battle and collab.

This is why it's so offensive when JAY-Z calls himself GOD MC or HOVA, cause he's just a pretender.  His whole career he been trying to erase God's contributions to hip-hop from the history books.  His lil album Watch the Throne was basically a dis aimed at God, 'cause we all know Hov is just a jealous herb watchin the throne for the real GOD MC.

Dis is also why people be sayin JIGGA is Illuminati or a Satan worshipper or whatever, cause he so closely resembles LUCIFER in the way he tries God's gangsta.  He think he on that level but at the end of the day he just a wannabe aiming darts at the king, hoping he can piggyback on God's fame by getting a response on God's next mixtape.  But yo, that shit ain't gonna happen.  Ain't you ever seen Waiting for Godot, Hovito?

Obviously, hip-hop begins at the dawn of existence.  But what was the next occurrence of hip-hop?  Tune in for the next installment of this thrilling series, as RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA traces the unspoken, forgotten, and surpressed history of hip-hop!

DOES CHAVEZ'S DEATH MAKE VENEZUELA MORE OR LESS HIP-HOP?

So yo, I ain't gonna enter the fray about whether or not HUGO CHAVEZ was dope-ass or broke-ass as a leader.  I got mad friends who be like, "Yo, CHAVEZ rocked that shit for the peoples."  But I also fux with ascot-wearin ass rich fucks who be like, "adios, puta madre!"

Nah, what we here to talk about today is if Venezuela is more hip-hop or less hip-hop following CHAVEZ'S demise.  On the one hand, hip-hop was originally about empowerin the disenfranchised and givin them a voice.  It crawled out of da South Bronx, multiplied and politicked, and now we got heads like JAY-Z becomin the 21st c. HARRY BELAFONTE (or at the very least BILL COSBY).  So in this way, HUGO CHAVEZ was mad hip-hop.  You could say he was the CED GEE of social equality.

On da other hand, hip-hop has long been about capitalism and unbridled materialism.  JAY-Z has his stature only because he got that money - we owe TONY MONTANA fo dat lesson.  I mean, if we was goin strictly off talent, we'd be honoring LARGE PROFESSOR or MR. CHEEKS instead of HOV.  For better or worse, today's hip-hop is totally in cahoots with the capitalist system.  Fo all his fake-ass revolutionary bullshit, HOV is more likely to give a shout out to WARREN BUFFETT than GOGO CHAV.

So what y'all think: was HUGO CHAVEZ hip-hop?  Or did he merely embody the hip-hop of a different era?  Damn, I gots to go smoke 15 blunts (in a row) 'cause my head be trippin on da slippery nature of hip-hop, and by extension, reality and the world itself.

Peace bitchez.

POPE BENEDICT THINKS HE'S JAY-Z EXCEPT HE WAS IN THE HITLER YOUTH AND CAN'T RAP

Maaan, it's time for me to put this sucka on blast: POPE BENEDICT XVI.  Other day this lil punk was like, "Waaah, bein the Pope is too hard.  I'm a baby, I want my mommy!"  We all knew he had a weak will cause of that lil Hitler Youth bullshit, but really bro?  You just proved you ain't bout that life.

Remember back in the day?  Real dudes like KOOL G RAP and POPE JOHN PAUL II did real thangs.  Now we just got soft-ass simps like TYGA and BENEDICT.  But yo, I gots to wonder, is this all just some ploy for publicity?  Maybe homeboy is takin a page outta JAY-Z's book and is all, "Man, I can't do nothin more with this Catholicism game.  Shit is played out.  I'm just gonna count my money and watch you fools play yourselves."

 

Flash forward 1.5 years.  BENEDICT rolls back in on the new Pope and is all, "Boy, take that silly hat off.  You ain't no Pope.  Let me get my lil sceptre and shit 'cause the Ruler is back!"  He starts issuing edicts and all that bullshit like it was the ol' days and he was Big Boss Dogg #1, full of mad braggadocio and hubris, but in the end his core audience knows homie is but a pale shadow of his former self.

BEST O' THE YEAR 2012 Y'ALL!

Another year down in the books.  It's been a good one, yo!  Personally, I been runnin shit in the J-Hole (Wyoming, stand up!) makin mad cream thru illegal means; I also got my ski instructor's license.  As far as rap goes, shit been poppin off dis year.  Let's get get get it!

2CHAINZ
He sound like a drunk uncle/goose, but you couldn't fux with the Feature King of 2012.  He'd just show up on some track, have a few great put-downs and an equal number of groaners, all delivered in an awkward, often off-beat braying.  Rap game DON RICKLES crossed with FOZZY BEAR and maybe even a little BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT.  You know why that new A$AP single sounds like it ain't even his song? Cause 2CHAINZ on it.  Well, 2CHAINZ and DRAKE, a/k/a the 21st c. rap game MARK PRICE and BRAD DAUGHERTY.

 

BLACK HIPPY/TDE

Yeah, everyone on KENDRICK LAMAR'S cojones, and rightfully so: he dropped da album of the year.  And unlike the flawed Section 80 LP, he didn't make any major aesthetic missteps, e.g. putting an MOR/Kevin Rudolf-type whiteboy singer on the chorus.  Real talk, that's one of the biggest evils in rap music these days (see BIG BOI'S Sir Lucious Left Foot for the gravest example).  But on top o' that, the underrated AB-SOUL dropped the quasi-conceptual Control System, an album that taught everyone at least one new vocabulary word ("chattel" in my case -- thanks Ab!).  And SCHOOLBOY Q continued to sound bemused and spiteful on Habits & Contradictions, talkin bout drunk drivin and all the things I love.

JUICY J - "BANDS A MAKE HER DANCE"
Dis was the biggest surprise of the year for me.  Never thought JUICY J would reinvent himself as a lovable, ageless rake, unapologetic about his inability to resist certain vices (ratchet pussy, drugs, etc).  This shit is still gettin overplayed, but still gets ppl hyped when it comes on, perhaps because it has an elusive flash of truth embedded in its Dionysian revelry.

TRINIDAD JAME$
Fuck y'all.  Lots of heads was sayin that DRAKE'S "Bitch you wasn't with me shooting in the gym" was the year's best line.  I mean it's fun to say and all, but really?  We can do better, America.  The best line of the year was obviously TRINIDAD JAMES' "Pop a molly, I'm sweatin! Woo!"  The runners-up are 2 CHAINZ' a/k/a Hair Weave Killa's "When ya girl leave me, she need a hair salon!," JUICY J'S "You say no to ratchet pussy / Juicy J cain't," and 2 CHAINZ' "She got a big booty, so I call her big booty."  There were no other good rap lines this year.  Sorry.

THIS PHOTO OF JAY-Z
Damn, look how old he look; moreover, how stupid he looks in that BBC sweatshirt and backwards cap.  You like 46, B!  Wear some age appropriate attire - Sperry topsiders, baggy Dockers, raggedy ass polo shirts. Until then, JIGGA has officially entered "Cool Dad" territory.

MEEK MILL
Along with 2CHAINZ, MEEK MILL owned this year.  He had the radio hits and rapped circles round the comp on Dreamchasers 2.  More importantly, he was involved in one of the funniest rap stories of the year, i.e., his presence in DRAKE'S posse when CHRIS BROWN got his face busted open by an errant champagne bottle.  Thank you for your service, Milly.

JIGGA FELL OFF WHEN HE STOPPED ROCKIN DA BUCKET HAT

 

Sup to all the parasites, bloodsuckers and bloggers on that fake tip.  RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA! finna do this shit once again.

So yo, a jit like me grew up listenin to JAY-Z.  Mane, he might even have been the first rapper I was really feelin, ya know?  Watching the vids for "Hard Knock Life" and "Money Ain't A Thing" wit JERMAINE DUPRI on The Box Network at the turn of the decade and seein' him in the video for DMX's "What's My Name" and realizing all this rap shit was interconnected...foundational moments in my life, dawg.

But yo, we all know Jigga fell off at some point.  His flow went from a lean, svelte panther to a bloated old man joggin in a sweatsuit.  Mad folks compare his post-Black Album output to MJ with the Wizards and it's true...only glimmers of his old brilliance padded with wild middle-aged beer gut.

But yo, it goes deeper than that; to stop at that comparison is some facile ass analysis, and we ain't down with that life round these parts.  Yo, he rilly rilly fell off when he stopped reppin dat bucket hat!  That shit was ill, son!  You know a rapper is at the top of his game when he can pull off somethin as wack as a white Gilligan bucket hat!  Ol' Bob Denver ass Hov in the "Big Pimpin" video!  Top of his game, son, like LL with the Kangol, like 50 with the Vitamin Water, like Mike Jones with the desperate give-every-hoe-my-number PUA tactics.

IS JAY-Z JOCKING LIL B???

 

Sup gangstas and gangstettes?  Now you might be thinkin, "Oh, he just bein' contrarian, tryin to stir the pot like the annoying little punk he is," but hear me out!

Let's take a look at the history of freestyles.  The freestyle was created in 1995 when BIG L and JAY-Z appeared on the Stretch and Roberto show on WNYU.  Thing was, it wasn't exactly really a freestyle.  Both MC's rhymes were meticulously crafted and the only thing "free" about it was how free they were being with the definition of the word freestyle.

Real freestyles are mad awkward and unpolished.  Peep dis '93 clip of Nas appearing on the very same Stretch and Roberto program.  You can tell his first and last verses are true freestyles cause they so full of mistakes n stutters n shit.  The second verse is perfectly phrased and, not insignificantly, later appeared on "Memory Lane" when Illmatic dropped.  Either he came up with that verse on the spot, or someone's bein fast and loose with the definition of freestyle.

So Jigga is no different.  I bet dude had an arsenal of writtens every time he appeared on the Stretch and Roberto Hip-Hop Program.  Nothing wrong with that.  But LIL B is the first rapper to actually take his real freestyles and put em on record as finished products.

Yeah, Jigga used to freestyle his verses in the studio, but they'd edit that shit to polish the edges.  LIL B leaves his freestyles relatively untouched, blemishes and all.  That's what Jigga does on dis new RICK ROSS joint and you know he's takin pointers from da kid.

I unno just my thoughts.  Not like RICK ROSS didn't already steal LIL B's copyrighted "WOOP WOOP!" JAY-Z, you a swagger jacker and swagger jackers get jacked!