HIP-HOP SEX OFFENDERS

 

So yo, let's be real: if most rappers actually did what they claim to do, they'd be locked up in da clink faster than you can blink!  And I ain't even talkin bout just the violence and drug slangin - some of em would be locked up for sex crimes.

But as we all know, rap is mostly a fantasy land where weird dudes with overactive imaginations can be loved and celebrated for their absurd lies.  Occasionally, however, these dudes back up what they rap about.  Take SOUTH PARK MEXICAN, for example.  I don't think he ever rapped about diddlin a child, but he got thrown in prison for that shit right on the cusp of (maybe) blowin up!  Like I remember reading about dude in Newsweek or Time or some shit.  They was tombout how he was Mexican and independent and sellin records, then he (allegedly) diddled a 9 year-old and fucked some teenie boppers and BOOM, game over!  See ya later, prevert!

Personally, I can't listen to the music of a mothafuckin child molester.  And yet I can read Lolita like a motherfucker.  Curious.  And take MYSTIKAL.

I mean, damn!  Look at that picture.  Look like he has some strawberry flavored Juicy lip gloss on for some dick-sucking homothug shit.  But homeboy ain't a homothug so far as I know.  Nah, he went to prison for makin his hairstylist (pause) blow him and his homeboys.

But unlike SPM, I still enjoy his music.  It's a weird double standard.  Dis da shit I call moral ambiguity.  Is one act worse than da other or is they both equally shitty?  Am I tacitly admitting that heternormative sexual abuse is somehow more excusable than weirdo pedophilia? Or is MYSTIKAL's music just that dope?  I don't fuckin know, alls I know is I ain't fuckin wit no child molestin bitchmade fuckboy.

SOME PEDOPHILE TELLS US WHY NELLY'S "RIDE WIT ME" IS HIS FAVORITE SONG

Even tho NELLY is obviously one of the G.O.A.T.'s, we here at RPA MUSIC HISTORIA! always thought "RIDE WIT ME" was mad suspect.  I was chillin with some pedos the other day and we got to talkin bout hip-hop.  I was like, "Yo, I can't fuck wit u on that pedophilia shit, but I agree, MIKE JONES was killin shit in '05."  I asked one of da pedos if I could transcribe our conversation and he said, "Sho nuff."

RMH: Yo.  First of all, thanks for takin time outta your child-diddlin schedule to speak to us.  We truly appreciate it.
PEDO: No prob, dawg.
RMH: Chuuch.  So you like NELLY?
PEDO: Yeah, I'm feelin him n shit.  He ain't really my type or nothin, but when he wears that Band Aid under his eye -- I like that look.  Reminds me of when one of my shorties gets a boo boo on the playground.

RMH:  That titillates you?
PEDO: Mad titillating, son.
RMH:  Word.  So what's your favorite NELLY song?
PEDO: "Ride Wit Me," dawg!  That song's straight up pedophilic!
RMH: Is that a good thing?
PEDO: That's the upper echelon, boy!
RMH: Break it down, playbwoy.
PEDO: Well the lyrics "If you wanna go and take a ride wit me" reminds me of back when I was allowed  within 1000 ft. of a school, getting some young men into my '84 Plymouth Voyager with the promise of some candied bon bons.

RMH: What kind of candy did you use to lure these shorties?
PEDO: Straight Willy Wonka, dawg!  The kids love those Bottle Caps, Laffy Taffy, Gobstoppers especially.
RMH: You one sick fuck, dawg.
PEDO: Sho nuff.
RMH: Continue with yo extrapolation.
PEDO: Aight, well the lyric "We 3-wheelin in the fo'" obviously refers to ridin tricycles with 4 year-olds.
RMH: I don't think so...
PEDO: Only God can judge me, B.
RMH: You can fit on a tricycle?  You like 5'10".
PEDO: Fo sho.  I had a Big Wheel made custom for me.

RMH: Damn homie, I think that's the most disturbing part of your story so far.
PEDO: Fuck you, fuckboy.
RMH: I don't even wanna know how you interpret the line, "Lookin for a little shorty hot and horny so that I can take home."
PEDO: That lyric never really spoke to me.
RMH: Really?
PEDO: Naw dawg, I'm just clownin.  I used to beat off to that line while reading a copy of Highlights magazine I stole from a pediatrician's office.

RMH: Well thanks for the look into your disturbing world, playa.
PEDO: It's all good.
RMH: Any last words?
PEDO: Big ups to all my fellow pedos livin outside the law.  People look down on us, but we just doin our thang.  Fuck the police!  You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy."
RMH: Ok ok we get it.
PEDO: Houston we have a problem.  ET phone home.  Royal with cheese.  And you will know my name!  Here's lookin at you kid.  Party on, Garth.