QUARTER-SEASON AWARDS

We anti-Grammys, anti-Oscars, and very anti-Golden Razzies for slandering my mans Brian De Palma. But my therapist was tellin me, "Yo, you need to be more positive." I said, "A'ight doc, Ima be more positive, but can it involve rap music?" He says, "That's that monomania we was talkin about, bruh." I jumped up and did a bell kick off the couch. "Thanks for curing me, duke. I know what I gotta do now. Quarter-season awards on RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA!" I skipped down the stairwell, looking back toward his office as I vacated the building. I could hear him ripping his hair out the follicle. From sheer joy, I imagine!

A$AP ROCKY AWARD: KAMAIYAH!



Like Rocky with LiveLoveA$AP, Kamaiyah dropped a very good pop-rap album after seducing the press in record time. LiveLoveA$AP and A Good Night In The Ghetto are softened versions of regional sounds, helmed by able and essentially inoffensive rappers with marketable qualities. The difference is that Kamaiyah has a lot more potential than Rocky ever did. She's a better rapper, her songs are better, her hooks are bigger, and it doesn't appear that she has a Yams in her ear svengaling dat ass like Frank Farian did Rob & Fab. Most importantly, she won't need a 2Chainz and Drake-infused pork barrel to get a national hit. The moves she makes in the coming year will determine whether she has a fruitful music-making career, or becomes a glorified jeans ad who occasionally raps.

TRINIDAD JAMES AWARD: LIL YACHTY!

Like Trinidad James before him, Lil Yachty blew up off a catchy song that was controversial for the Is he or isn't he? mental retardation games it played, an ambiguity that only deepened upon discovering the artist's questionable choices of wardrobe and accoutrements. Except Trinidad James had a genuine hit where Yachty only has the attention of bloggers and Twitter buzzards, who see him as a symbol or sideshow or something. I must admit, I was eatin pork and rinds with a bitch from New York Times / I don't eat no pork and rinds but that bitch was mighty fine, is a great couplet with subtle old-school simplicity, but it ain't quite Pop a molly I'm sweatin! (Woo!). Best case scenario: next Soulja Boy. Neutral case: wins a Grammy in 2020 for lending a line to Ed Sheeran. Worst case: becomes a protege of Jello Biafra.

HERMAN MELVILLE "YOU DON'T DESERVE ME" AWARD: BOOSIE!

OK, so back in the day Herman Melville wrote some adventure books that were pretty popular. He's sellin alright and whatever, so he decides to drop a big sprawling work called Moby Dick on everyone's head. The critics and public is just like, "Nah, hold that." He stops writing altogether and deprives the world of his precious musings on whales. This is basically the indignity Boosie has suffered in 2016 with his dense, uneven, occasionally brilliant trio of releases. They are mostly not fun, he is old, and they don't really fit any of the day's talking points. Here's hoping Boosie doesn't retreat from rap into the life of a government clerk, but if he does: It was all of our fault! Counting down till someone resuscitates that obnoxious LISTEN TO GHOSTFACE shirt for Boosie.

THE GHOST OF POSTRACIAL AMERICA MEMORIAL AWARD: EZALE AND DENZEL CURRY!

We got Ezale droppin N-bombs like it's nathan. Denzel Curry has a song called "Gook" with the unparsable lyric I'm a gook! See me growing out my hair cause I look like the nigga from Roots. This is what thinkpiece writers was dreamin about during Obama's first term!

YG OR DB? AWARD: MOZZY!

Mozzy is getting wild overexposed in certain quarters of the Rap Internet, and this blog is as guilty as anyone in that department. This puts him in roughly the same place as DB Tha General was a while back, except Mozzy is already more popular nationally than DB ever was. His pop instincts are sharper, though it's hard to imagine someone as raw as Mozzy having mainstream hits like DB's California Livin compadre YG. Ya boy's in the kitchen poppin Orville Redenbachers, waiting to see how this shit goes down.

BLOGGER O' DA MONTH: ANU!





Big up to tha gah for uploading Stresmatic's 1-2 punch of "The Joog" and "The Lick" off the quality Matic LP. Bigger ups for making it through Kap G's new tape and finding "Southside," because I had already shut it off by then. Kap G: hardest Mexican rapper since SPM went to his last sleepover!