WHERE'S THE BEEF?

When Jay-Z and Nas was beefin ya boy was in the Nasty One's corner, cuz I stay rootin for the underdog. But something in me rebelled when ether became a verb meaning to decimate an opponent, as if everyone agreed that Nas won—as if Nas hadn't lost just by being Nas in 2001. Comparing "Takeover" to "Ether" is apples & oranges. One is the playful provocation of a king shooting peas at his underlings; the other a listing of grievances from a disgruntled rival now fallen from grace. Then there was the bad history of Rockefeller dying of AIDS, which has since been clarified by the Jaz-O scholars of Rap Genius. The whole song relies heavily on a kind of schoolboy homophobia, which is occasionally hilarious - the Tae Bo ho line is classic, "Gay-Z and Cock-A-Fella Records" glitters with dumb brilliance - but mostly amounts to uninspired namecalling.

Let us now turn to one of the sorriest chapters in Rap Beef History, one that would have stayed on Twitter had it happened today. Witness "The End of Joe," in which Ransom spends the final four minutes referring to "Joeback Mountain" as a faggot, fruitcup, and fudgepacker before succumbing to the giggles. In typical scoundrel form, Buddens dropped a 9-minute response: three minutes of trap-flapping and six minutes of preening for the crowd.

Buddens wouldn't be Buddens if he didn't pick on weaker opponents. A few years later he got ethered with the best dis of the decade when he tried the same with Lil B. Buddens would never respond. All said, still a better beef than Drake vs. Meek Mill. James Harden deserves the Based God Curse far less than his fellow beardo Joe Buddens; then again, Joe Buddens's whole existence might be a curse. Word 2 Joe Booty: bet you still jack off with your buttcheeks out reading RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA!