TENGO MAMIS EN ATLANTA

Rap Music Hysteria is more than a blog. It's a safe space. A judgment-free zone where we can admit shameful secrets and indecent desires. In 7th grade I hit the state bird with a rock. The A$AP Ferg song about buying shovels bodies everything on the radio right now. I enjoy these songs. Now that I've earned your trust, let me ask: Would you like "Panda" if it was a Future song? Do you have to hide the lean and the Fanta when your friends come over, for fear that you'll be lectured on how the song is an ironic sign of the way the wind blows in the rap culture wars? Do you just wanna hit off licks in the bando without considering notions of appropriation, authorship, and intellectual property? If you're anything like me, you want to let the choppa go Oscar for Grammy without some ghoul sliding up with a gleeful smirk and the yearly announcement that New York rap is really dead this time.

Alas, poor Desiigner! Thrust into the fire of public discourse when he was just a teenager tryna swing on the bozack of a popular rapper. He and Lil Yachty are the frontrunners for 2016's White Iverson Award, but let's not forget that Rich Homie Quan was dismissed as a Future jizzock around the time "Type Of Way" hit. For those of us who want to enjoy "Panda" without all the baggage, I recommend the far superior reggaeton remix featuring Almighty, Farruko, Daddy Yankee, and Cosculluela. It's entirely guilt-free, unless your Spanish is bad because your teacher was a queer woman who made you dance the pasodoble with another dude. Daddy Yankee is rapping about Netflix and The Matrix and Elvis, so you can sing along even if you don't know what it mean.