BOHAGON YOUTH

I love hopeless cases like Bohagon, because unfulfilled potential is the most poetic form of failure.  A Georgian rapper with a serpentine lisp and the tranquilized drawl of a backwater T.I., he appeared on two So So Def comps in the late '90s during Lil Jon's stint as an A&R, then signed to his BME label in the days when crunk was king and it looked like our grandchildren would be suckling on bejeweled goblets filled with energy drink.  Jon put him on a number of album cuts and took him on tour, but the album never came out, although he did put out a good mixtape called Crunk in HD, where he holds two cans of citrus-flavored crunk juice as if he is forcing them on you, the viewer/listener, in a prelude to some perverse variation on waterboarding.

That could've been the end of that, but Hagon had already partnered with Playboy Tre for the Georgia Durt label and a number of artistic collaborations.  Tre's fleeting moment in the sun was the blog-beloved Liquor Store Mascot, the closest thing to a concept album on alcoholism rap may ever see.  Bohagon had a scene-stealing verse on the Gil-Scot-sampling "Living In The Bottle," and things seemed good for everyone until Tre crumbled under the burdensome task of dragging B.O.B.'s weed manpurse around.  I don't know what he's doing these days, because his only web presence is a private Instagram account and Facebook and YouTube accounts that haven't been updated since 2013.  If anyone has the word, please send me a carrier pigeon with a USB drive attached to his/her foot.  If you would like to hear mo' Hagon, here are some songs I lovingly assembled for you, years determined to the best of my ability.  Maybe when our Alan Lomax does a survey of the South, Bohagon will find a place in the archive - some small forgotten corner unoccupied by Z-Ro's papers and personal artifacts.

Bohagon w/ Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz - Drop Dem Boes (1998)
Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz w/ Khujo & Bohagon - Uhh Ohh (2000)
Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz w/ Bohagon - Get Crunk (2004)
Bohagon & Playboy Tre - In Stride (2005)
Bohagon - Walk A Mile (2005)
E-40 w/ Lil Scrappy & Bohagon - Pussy Niggaz (2005)
Bohagon - The Streets (2006?)
Bohagon w/ Diamond, Princess, Fabo - Wuz Up (2006)
Bohagon w/ Lil Scrappy - Coke In Ya Nose (2006)
Bohagon w/ Lil Scrappy - Money In The Hood (2006)
Lil Scrappy w/ Young Dro & Bohagon - Been A Boss (2006)
Yo Gotti w/ Bohagon - What It Is (2006)
Bohagon - Bucket (2008)
Bohagon - Do It 4 The Hood (2008)
Bohagon - Who Am I (2008)
Korleon w/ Bohagon - I Be Goin Hard (2009)
Playboy Tre w/ Bohagon - Living In The Bottle (2009)
Bohagon w/ Korleon - Live That Long (2013)

BEATKING IS NOT THE CHRIS FARLEY OF RAP, PROBABLY

He is to rap what Bol[1] is to rap blogging, and not just because he is fat. He also owes something to Lil B[2].

[1] Nickname of a portly rap blogger properly known as Byron Crawford.  In the mid/late-'00s, the popularity of Crawford's blog Mindset Of A Champion earned him a spot on XXL's blog cabal alongside the likes of Dallas Penn, Noz, something called Sickamore, and Elliott Wilson's own incompetent attempt at zooming into the digital age.  It was a simpler time, when the Internet still held promise as a potential utopia of fiscal and intellectual autonomy, and the gatekeepers of the print model stood before the "blogosphere" with something like trepidation (see also Tom Breihan's pioneering hate-click project Status Ain't Hood, a Village Voice property).

Bol's schtick was to throw cherry bombs at everyone and everything in the rap world: rappers, the industry, other bloggers.  He betrayed his spiritual debt to The Howard Stern Show with frequent references to Siobhan Meow, a transgendered member of the Wack Pack.  Bol was funnier than the likes of Star or Charlemagne, and he was on his way to becoming the Stern of the Rap Blog world when he made the fateful decision to appear on The Parker Report.  In contrast to the scowling keyboard warrior pictured in his avatar, the real life Bol was bashful and chubby, smirking and stammering through answers like a prankster called in to the Principal's office for whoopee cushion indiscretions.  Although the video subjected Bol to the other side of ridicule, he continues to post acerbic takes on news items, publish eBooks, and curate a photo series of attractive white women.  When the Rap Bible is written, he will be remembered for the introduction of "T.I." and "nullus" into the lexicon, as well as the time Bun B left an angry comment on his blog.

[2] Dipset's contributions to pushing the culture forward won't be fully appreciated until years after the fact, and we're still coming to terms with Lil B's influence (direct, indirect) on what is permissible in today's rap environs.  For one, he resuscitated what De La pioneered: the wise guy shooting spitballs at the culture while still working within it, insiders posing as outsiders or vice versa.  He opened the possibilities of humor in an age dominated by textbook setups and punchlines.

Beatking benefits from the context Lil B established, where the lines between irony and sincerity are irrelevant and the rap game and memescape are one and the same.  Like the little one, he dusts off the language of late '90s Southern rap without resorting to cheap parody, an understanding of balance that delivers him from the wacky Photoshop filter-rap of a Lil Ugly Mane.  But even tho a sizable amount of his catalog is nigh unlistenable, Lil B revolutionized rapping by ignoring as many rules as he could before his music was unrecognizable as rap.  Regardless of faith, a clever critique like Beatking's will never better the original focus, on which it depends for definition.  At some point he will write him into a corner, but his constraints may turn out to be his greatest strength.

MAD DECENT STAY PACKAGING SUBCULTURES 4 THE WILLIAMSBURG SET!

And I ain't mad, cause they do a pretty decent job of it!  Putumayo is the current OG of their market (Nonesuch being the granddaddy, Luaka Bop the gay son with an angular haircut), guilting Whole Foods shoppers into adding Polynesian Party to their basket when they was just tryin to cop some cashew milk and bump Sufjan in the Prius.  Someone out there gotta aggregate the Third World for whitey, and why not make some cake while u at it?

Mad Decent is the Putumayo for MFs who ain't ready to shop at Whole Foods, but you might catch 'em swoopin kale chips in a nice yogurt dip e'ry now and then.  They all about fair-trade partying, except when drugs are involved.  So if anyone was gonna push the cult of Chipman, the funky imperialists at Mad Decent was gonna have first dibs.  Snappy Jit isn't the best exponent of the form (that would be the late DJ Ghost), but it is the most consistent vis-à-vis the Mad Decent brand: omnivorous in style, sometimes grating in its self-awareness. There's a heavy Soca influence, meaning if you listen to it too long you might end up Jason Russelling down your block.  Someone get me the number for Folkways's A&R guy, I got a brick of cocaine and a Powerpoint presentation with crazy transitions.

SURFIN WITH DONNIE TRUMPET: ENTER THE 36 CHAMBER-POP

Lotta trumpets on this one.  A landmark album for embouchure.  Chance the Rapper continues carving a niche as the premier disciple of Gullah Gullah Island.  An album-length version of "The Electric Slide" as sociopolitical phenomenon, with more trumpets.

BOOSEPRINT 2: ELECTRIC BOOSALOO

I tend to resort to metaphors cause sometimes the world is too terrifying to face directly.  So strap on your goggles if ya retinas burn easy: Touch Down is Boosie's Scent Of A Woman, a decent work from a great artist receiving exaggerated plaudits from people desperately flagging down a departed boat.   Death Row was his Blueprint, and this is his Black Album -- same formula, diminished returns. Here's what's next:

1. Boosie records a song about swivel chairs with Mumford & Sons.

2. Gets into art, performs anal rendition of Interior Scroll at Baton Rouge gallery for "Schneemann Baby" video.

3. Relaunches Ask Jeeves to compete with Google, holds celebratory press conference attended by luminaries of Louisiana rap. C-Loc appears wearing Daft Punk helmet tailored for large heads; all living and free members of 504 Boyz sign contract while inside tank from "Make Em Say Uhh" video; FrankieThaLuckyDog and DJ B-Real finally make peace, remuneration and unblocking on social media follow.

4. Writes tie-in album inspired by scenes from Ant-Man.

5. Drops "D.O.S.," humorless screed against the sausage movement. Sausage movement persists.

6. Releases Collision Course inspired crossover album with Ronnie Radke.

7. Collaborates with Bonz Malone on Decoded style book written in such intense vernacular it rivals the most inscrutable passages of Hurston and Faulkner.

8. Finds his name used as currency for candidates trying to gain the youth vote. "We freed Boosie," boasts a shmoney-dancing Hillary Clinton at a Brooklyn rally, "And we'll free GS-9!" Ted Cruz clarifies comment on post-9/11 conversion to country music: "I also bumped a lot of Boosie, shed many tears."

9. Buys stake in New Jersey Devils, moves team to Baton Rouge.

10. Records 10-minute dis against Javale McGee.

11. Samples Tad's "Grease Box" on song bemoaning perils of fame, taps Nick Jonas for chorus.

12. Performs on MTV Unplugged special wearing shirt made of recycled dorm-room Che Guevara posters.

13. As Ask Jeeves reboot stiffs, stages concert performing songs not available through Google Video.  Attended mainly by industry shills.

14. Wears jeans with sandals.

15. Releases Ghetto Stories 2 with Webbie.  All is forgiven.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT TRAP!

No matter how many boxes of rap music I get my hands on, it's never enough.  Acquisition is da name of the game, cause even tho my skreet name is Lil' 1/2 Broke, ya boy is resigned to this capitalism shit.  And though there's plenty of quality products out in tha digital bazaar, enduring the hundredth joyless 3rd gen trap "banger" leaves me wanting more.  I'm a sex tourist cruisin Tangiers or the 'Kok, trying to scratch a primal itch that always ends up intensified.

So ya boy goes down the dark alley of SoundCloud, just as hit and miss as the established channels but at least carrying the promise of "potential" and "upside" -- penny stock prospectin.  If it ain't generic trap shit, the young'ns of today bite Herb or Durk.  But the kids don't care.  It's a whole 'nother world out there, far beyond the arbitrary rules and idol-making of the Rap Internet complex.  We got 16 year olds blowin' up on the 'Cloud, but you wouldn't know that if you ain't skulkin the halls of your local high schools.  Real grassroots shit, ya feel?

Kodak Black is one such character.   He like 17 years old or some shit, a kid from the Pompano PJs building a rep as a fuck-up folk hero thru multiple stints in juvenile hell.  There's the marketing hook.  Part of Chief Keef's initial draw was his hopeless condition, the promise that his belligerence was "authentic" via poverty.  As the intro of his Passion of the Weiss interview sez, Kodak is "a distillation of hundreds of years of American history, an embodiment of the complexities of a country locked in an endless struggle with race and class."  Huh?  Don't know nothin about that, but his raps hittin all the right references for this aging Blogman: Gucci, Boosie, Cash Money.

ATTN: DEPARTMENT OF SWAG-RAP, WEST COAST DIVISION

Just in time for summer, we got "I Look Fly" by Trill Youngins on deck for PG-13 pool parties wit the Fla-Vor-Ice and cooler of Miller Lites (for those over 21). This one'll take you back to the days of Cali Swag District and the New Boyz, when we was all jerkin in our skinny jeans till them shits got crusty. They say swag-rap is dying, but you can't kill an attitude. Like Youth Crew, swag-rap will live on as long as there are young men wishing to express their individuality and bravado by performing an aggressive music style streamlined of problematic content. Most importantly, it's about looking crisp and wearing cool sneakers! They just some peacocks tryin to strut without ruffling anyone's feathers -- except for the fuddy-duddies, who'll never understand.