Wednesday, June 3, 2015
BOOSEPRINT 2: ELECTRIC BOOSALOO
I tend to resort to metaphors cause sometimes the world is too terrifying to face directly. So strap on your goggles if ya retinas burn easy: Touch Down is Boosie's Scent Of A Woman, a decent work from a great artist receiving exaggerated plaudits from people desperately flagging down a departed boat. Death Row was his Blueprint, and this is his Black Album -- same formula, diminished returns. Here's what's next:
1. Boosie records a song about swivel chairs with Mumford & Sons.
2. Gets into art, performs anal rendition of Interior Scroll at Baton Rouge gallery for "Schneemann Baby" video.
3. Relaunches Ask Jeeves to compete with Google, holds celebratory press conference attended by luminaries of Louisiana rap. C-Loc appears wearing Daft Punk helmet tailored for large heads; all living and free members of 504 Boyz sign contract while inside tank from "Make Em Say Uhh" video; FrankieThaLuckyDog and DJ B-Real finally make peace, remuneration and unblocking on social media follow.
4. Writes tie-in album inspired by scenes from Ant-Man.
5. Drops "D.O.S.," humorless screed against the sausage movement. Sausage movement persists.
6. Releases Collision Course inspired crossover album with Ronnie Radke.
7. Collaborates with Bonz Malone on Decoded style book written in such intense vernacular it rivals the most inscrutable passages of Hurston and Faulkner.
8. Finds his name used as currency for candidates trying to gain the youth vote. "We freed Boosie," boasts a shmoney-dancing Hillary Clinton at a Brooklyn rally, "And we'll free GS-9!" Ted Cruz clarifies comment on post-9/11 conversion to country music: "I also bumped a lot of Boosie, shed many tears."
9. Buys stake in New Jersey Devils, moves team to Baton Rouge.
10. Records 10-minute dis against Javale McGee.
11. Samples Tad's "Grease Box" on song bemoaning perils of fame, taps Nick Jonas for chorus.
12. Performs on MTV Unplugged special wearing shirt made of recycled dorm-room Che Guevara posters.
13. As Ask Jeeves reboot stiffs, stages concert performing songs not available through Google Video. Attended mainly by industry shills.
14. Wears jeans with sandals.
15. Releases Ghetto Stories 2 with Webbie. All is forgiven.