WHAT WAS THE FIRST INCIDENCE OF RAP MUSIC IN HISTORY?: A REVISIONIST PERSPECTIVE (PART ONE OF MANY)

So yo, most of deez uptight Ivory Tower academics will tell you that hip-hop began in the South Bronx in 1973 when DJ KOOL HERC drunkenly yelled over a skipping record at a block party.  But we all know this is some propaganda BS better suited for the lie-bary, where they bury the lies!

Nah, anyone who truly understands rap music knows that it is a force of spiritual energy, a primordial pulse that has informed and nurtured human life since the dawn of time.  In service of the truth, we here at RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA plan to rectify the gross oversights perpetuated by the myopic establishment of rap music academics and charlatans.  Here we go, bruh!

So if you into evolution and shit, you believe in da big bang theory.  Basically the Universe was like, "Yo, Earth, you my son," farted real loud and shat out the Earth as we know it.  As we all know, to be called "son" is one of da worst insults in rap music.  So whenever da Earth get all uppity like, "Look at all my peoples, I got enough gold for chains on chains on chains, I got enough black diamonds to make a motherfuckin suit," the Universe be like, "Bitch, I am the father of your style.  Simmer down, son."  And that is straight hip-hop.

If u a Christian, you believe dat God created the Heavens and Earth, i.e., "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."  Word!  I like to think the Word was, "Yo," or "Swag," or "CHUUUUUCH," but I wasn't there so I dunno.  Whatever the case was, in my scriptural interpretation (and many respected Biblical scholars share my opinion), it sounds like God was rappin one day, probably solo dolo, and was like "Yo, we need a cipher in this bitch," and thus created the Heavens and Earth so he could have people with whom to battle and collab.

This is why it's so offensive when JAY-Z calls himself GOD MC or HOVA, cause he's just a pretender.  His whole career he been trying to erase God's contributions to hip-hop from the history books.  His lil album Watch the Throne was basically a dis aimed at God, 'cause we all know Hov is just a jealous herb watchin the throne for the real GOD MC.

Dis is also why people be sayin JIGGA is Illuminati or a Satan worshipper or whatever, cause he so closely resembles LUCIFER in the way he tries God's gangsta.  He think he on that level but at the end of the day he just a wannabe aiming darts at the king, hoping he can piggyback on God's fame by getting a response on God's next mixtape.  But yo, that shit ain't gonna happen.  Ain't you ever seen Waiting for Godot, Hovito?

Obviously, hip-hop begins at the dawn of existence.  But what was the next occurrence of hip-hop?  Tune in for the next installment of this thrilling series, as RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA traces the unspoken, forgotten, and surpressed history of hip-hop!

RICK ROSS IS NOT A RAPIST OR A RACIST OR RACIST RAPIST (BUT HE DOES THINK YOU ARE CUTE)

Does this look like a rapist to you?  Hell naw, he wearin a suit and we all know rapists don't wear suits.  Well they do I guess, but they usually polyester leisure suits and that's a whole 'nother animal.

Anyway, my mans RICK ROSS a/k/a ROZAY a/k/a OFFICER RICKY a/k/a WILLIAM ROBERTS, JR. been catchin mad static over his line in da otherwise CHUUUCH-tastic "U.O.E.N.O," a barnburner featuring the likes of ROCKO and Tigerbeat pin-up FUTURE.  I guess RICKY felt the heat thru the slabs of blubber padding his skeleton and empty soul and decided to respond.  He explained, "there was a misunderstanding with the lyric, a misinterpretation," citing as evidence that the word "rape" was never used in the song.

So fall the fuck back, feminazis.  Even doe he rap about droppin a molly in a bitch's champagne without her knowledge, taking her home, fucking her and enjoying it ("and she ain't even know"), he never sez da word "rape," so obviously it ain't rape!

Maybe some of you dumb feminists and/or victims of sexual violence should've paid more attention to your critical theory when u was at ur liberal arts school, understood that the author is dead, content is secondary to form, and art need not be moral.  So when RICK ROSS drugs you and rapes has sex with you, you can have an aesthetic appreciation of da act and be like, "Yo, I ain't really feelin dis content, but the form is sublime."  Then you can be on par with us phallocentric male rap bloggers and understand rap on a deeper aesthetic level, i.e., a social vacuum of detached sophistication.

Peace fuckboys!

IS DRAKE THE RAP GAME FDR?

 

So yo, I think my greatest contribution as a rap blogger - besides the hardboiled street tales I deliver post after post - is da connections I be makin between the rap world and the world beyond.  And y'all may not know dis, but I took an American History course once and now I got wisdom out the bootyhole.  Scopes Monkey Trial?  Sacco and Vanzetti?  Yeah, I heard of them shits!

So recently I got to thinkin bout the relationship between FDR and DRAKE.  For those who don't know, FDR was an American president way back in the olden days when things were black and white and Yahoo was the only search engine in existence.  Now many people don't know this, but FDR was left paralyzed after trying to pull of a Christ Air on this huge-ass halfpipe and had to keep the fact that he was in a wheelchair on the d-low.

But despite all this, FDR ran his shit.  The dude was straight up gangsta, serving as president for a record three terms and droppin the A-bomb like it wasn't no thang.  One might call him the MICHAEL JORDAN of the American presidency.  Some people have even called him a dictator cause he was such an OG kingpin.

So for like 12 years it was nothin but FDR.  Turn the radio on now and who you gonna hear? DRAKE all day.  He is currently the FDR of Clear Channel radio.  But there's more!  As many of us now, DRAKE was on Degrassi before he was a rapper.  The character he played, Jimmy Brooks, was left paralyzed after he slipped on a piece of Canadian bacon.  So dude spent time in a wheelchair, perhaps learning how to see the world from FDR's perspective.

Now, I ask: is there a certain power derived from the wheelchair itself?  Look at MF GRIMM:

Dude goes hard on the mic and was able to get his life together after being shot in connection with his involvement in tha drug trade.  Maybe like HOMER and MILTON, some OG blind rappers whose loss of sight may have substantially affected their subsequent mixtapes, seeing the world from a different perspective endowed GRIMM with unique poetic insight.

I mean look at PROFESSOR X. Dude was mad smart, he could bend spoons with his mind and shit.  And STEPHEN HAWKING, too, he also mad smart.  I dunno yo, I just be thinkin bout things.

AN ELEGY FOR OJ DA JUICEMAN BY A DECEASED ROMANTIC POET!

So yo, one of da most beautifullest things I've learned in my time in the rap music trenches is that HIP-HOP HEADS come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.  I once had dis midget friend and to my surprise he was mad hip-hop!  Who woulda thought?

I thought I'd seen everything after I met a hip-hop midget, but I was wrong.  This cat Pasquale who lived down the street from me fancied himself a poet in the Romantic tradition.  He styled himself after LORD BYRON and wore mad poofy shirts.  We gots to talkin once and he started blatherin bout how BUSTA RHYMES embodied the "spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings recollected in tranquility" that them Romantic dudes was all about.  I was like, "Chuuuuuch!"

I ain't seen dis cat in years when I ran into his mother on da ski slopes.  She told me Pasquale had died in Tunisia.  He was thurrr teachin a coterie of young men about poetry and eroticism when he was taken by the consumption.  I was all, "Sheeeit, RIP."

She forwarded me a stack of his poetry.  Most of it was mad gay and not very hip-hop, but this one elegy for OJ DA JUICEMAN spoke to my soul (no homo).  In honor of JUICEMAN'S new mixtape, I thought I'd reprint this soul-tickler for y'all.

ELEGY FOR OJ DA JUICEMAN

OJ da Juiceman, where hath thou gone?  Your giddy "Aye! Aye! Okay!" no longer brightens the barbed paths and dark hallways of our wandering souls.  Your ooze of noble savagery has waned and O! we no longer thrill to your crudely enunciated verse.

What malady befell you?  Wherefore the absence and quietude? Beneath thy buffoonery was a depth the masses could not understand.  O, cruel fate of the visionary ones!  Disregarded in their time as common rabble.  Verily a kernel of gold amidst landscapes dreary you were.  The refuge of future glory is but a cold consolation for the insults you endured.

They cursed you as a plague upon culture, but soon they shall prostrate themselves before thy alter as they did with Van Gogh.  Your flame has diminshed, but Rejoice! -- your torch of genius burns eternal.

DOES CHAVEZ'S DEATH MAKE VENEZUELA MORE OR LESS HIP-HOP?

So yo, I ain't gonna enter the fray about whether or not HUGO CHAVEZ was dope-ass or broke-ass as a leader.  I got mad friends who be like, "Yo, CHAVEZ rocked that shit for the peoples."  But I also fux with ascot-wearin ass rich fucks who be like, "adios, puta madre!"

Nah, what we here to talk about today is if Venezuela is more hip-hop or less hip-hop following CHAVEZ'S demise.  On the one hand, hip-hop was originally about empowerin the disenfranchised and givin them a voice.  It crawled out of da South Bronx, multiplied and politicked, and now we got heads like JAY-Z becomin the 21st c. HARRY BELAFONTE (or at the very least BILL COSBY).  So in this way, HUGO CHAVEZ was mad hip-hop.  You could say he was the CED GEE of social equality.

On da other hand, hip-hop has long been about capitalism and unbridled materialism.  JAY-Z has his stature only because he got that money - we owe TONY MONTANA fo dat lesson.  I mean, if we was goin strictly off talent, we'd be honoring LARGE PROFESSOR or MR. CHEEKS instead of HOV.  For better or worse, today's hip-hop is totally in cahoots with the capitalist system.  Fo all his fake-ass revolutionary bullshit, HOV is more likely to give a shout out to WARREN BUFFETT than GOGO CHAV.

So what y'all think: was HUGO CHAVEZ hip-hop?  Or did he merely embody the hip-hop of a different era?  Damn, I gots to go smoke 15 blunts (in a row) 'cause my head be trippin on da slippery nature of hip-hop, and by extension, reality and the world itself.

Peace bitchez.

HIP-HOP SEX OFFENDERS

 

So yo, let's be real: if most rappers actually did what they claim to do, they'd be locked up in da clink faster than you can blink!  And I ain't even talkin bout just the violence and drug slangin - some of em would be locked up for sex crimes.

But as we all know, rap is mostly a fantasy land where weird dudes with overactive imaginations can be loved and celebrated for their absurd lies.  Occasionally, however, these dudes back up what they rap about.  Take SOUTH PARK MEXICAN, for example.  I don't think he ever rapped about diddlin a child, but he got thrown in prison for that shit right on the cusp of (maybe) blowin up!  Like I remember reading about dude in Newsweek or Time or some shit.  They was tombout how he was Mexican and independent and sellin records, then he (allegedly) diddled a 9 year-old and fucked some teenie boppers and BOOM, game over!  See ya later, prevert!

Personally, I can't listen to the music of a mothafuckin child molester.  And yet I can read Lolita like a motherfucker.  Curious.  And take MYSTIKAL.

I mean, damn!  Look at that picture.  Look like he has some strawberry flavored Juicy lip gloss on for some dick-sucking homothug shit.  But homeboy ain't a homothug so far as I know.  Nah, he went to prison for makin his hairstylist (pause) blow him and his homeboys.

But unlike SPM, I still enjoy his music.  It's a weird double standard.  Dis da shit I call moral ambiguity.  Is one act worse than da other or is they both equally shitty?  Am I tacitly admitting that heternormative sexual abuse is somehow more excusable than weirdo pedophilia? Or is MYSTIKAL's music just that dope?  I don't fuckin know, alls I know is I ain't fuckin wit no child molestin bitchmade fuckboy.

POPE BENEDICT THINKS HE'S JAY-Z EXCEPT HE WAS IN THE HITLER YOUTH AND CAN'T RAP

Maaan, it's time for me to put this sucka on blast: POPE BENEDICT XVI.  Other day this lil punk was like, "Waaah, bein the Pope is too hard.  I'm a baby, I want my mommy!"  We all knew he had a weak will cause of that lil Hitler Youth bullshit, but really bro?  You just proved you ain't bout that life.

Remember back in the day?  Real dudes like KOOL G RAP and POPE JOHN PAUL II did real thangs.  Now we just got soft-ass simps like TYGA and BENEDICT.  But yo, I gots to wonder, is this all just some ploy for publicity?  Maybe homeboy is takin a page outta JAY-Z's book and is all, "Man, I can't do nothin more with this Catholicism game.  Shit is played out.  I'm just gonna count my money and watch you fools play yourselves."

 

Flash forward 1.5 years.  BENEDICT rolls back in on the new Pope and is all, "Boy, take that silly hat off.  You ain't no Pope.  Let me get my lil sceptre and shit 'cause the Ruler is back!"  He starts issuing edicts and all that bullshit like it was the ol' days and he was Big Boss Dogg #1, full of mad braggadocio and hubris, but in the end his core audience knows homie is but a pale shadow of his former self.