Saturday, April 25, 2015


Rap ain't nann but a game of characters.  Back when Tyler The Creator was rapping about raping ladies, a truly refined rap intellectual could brush off all the unsophisticated blowback with five simple words: "He's playing a character, mooooooommmm!"  For the purposes of this list, however, we are not interested in peelin back the layers of rap personae - just the characters who appear in songs or skits.  Y'all brainiac types can hash out that hair-splitting mise-en-abyme shit on ya own time.  We strictly 'bout the rapps over here.

I consulted some other lists as I wrote my own, and while they was alright, I didn't feel like I was truly represented by staid choices like Shorty Doo-Wop and Bonita Applebum.  So we decentering the canon with this list.  Think of it as an alternative history of great rap characters - a people's history.  Unfortunately, that means we had to cut the likes of Suzy Screw and Brenda so we could include the immortal Mizzle from Purple Haze.  Duty calls.  It was very close, but we always side with truth over politricks.  So if you don't want me speaking for you, write ya own or tell me what I missed.  As Lil' Zinn said on one of his early Gangsta Grillz mixtapes, "It was easy, it was cheap, go and do it!"

1.  Captain Save a Hoe (E-40)
2.  Mr. Hood (KMD)
3.  Pretty Little Sally (Ghostface Killah, "Child's Play")
4.  The Hunted Child (Ice-T)
5.  The Redneck (Devin the Dude, "R&B")
6.  Dany (Mobb Deep, "Drink Away The Pain")
7.  The Baby (UGK, "Pregnant Pussy")
8.  Grandma (Gucci Mane, "Wasted")
9.  Whining Cop (NWA, "Fuck Tha Police")
10.  Poppa Large (Ultramagnetic MCs)
11.  Protagonist (Scarface, "I Seen A Man Die")
12.  Larry, The White Guy (Sir Mix-A-Lot, "Posse On Broadway")
13.  Shannon (Too Short, "Freaky Tales")
14.  Triggerman (Showboys, "Drag Rap")
15.  Hypochondriac Chick (Jay-Z, "Girls, Girls, Girls")
16.  Dead Horse Bride (Ganksta N-I-P, "Horror Movie Rap")
17.  Tina (Brand Nubian, "Feels So Good")
18.  Shopkeeper (Ice Cube, "Black Korea")
19.  Milk Marie (Rich Gang)
20.  Tameka (Slick Rick, "Mistakes Of A Woman In Love With Other Men")
21.  Sally (Diamond D & The Psychotic Neurotics, "Sally Got A One Track Mind")
22.  "Mami" (Kool G Rap, "A Thug's Love Story")
23.  The Neptunes' Cocker Spaniel (N.O.R.E., "Superthug")
24.  The Guy Big Pun Tells To "Go That Way" ("It's So Hard")
25.  Mizzle (Cam'ron, Purple Haze)

Honorable mentions: Ken Kaniff, The Sheriff's Daughter,  "Sleazy E" and Jerry Heller caricatures, Peter The Pimp, Chinese Boy Who Goes "Wy ton thai ton thai thai thai," Jimmy, Jane Doe, Puerto Rican Kid On The Train, Buzzed Bus Driver, "Where Are My Panties?" Girl

Worst character: Roger.  Golf clap for good intentions, but I'm the type of schmuck who roots for Goofus.


  1. Great list once again. I might include BIG's "The Madd Rapper" and The Coup's "Jesus the Pimp", but my personal favorite has to be "Soda Pop" and "'Tata chip" from East Point's Greatest Hit. They're cool people.

  2. The wifebeating oreo cop from the third verse of Ice-T's Bitches 2 too!

  3. That Ice verse is killer. Nice choice.

    Still have yet to hear EPGH in its entirety, Rick. Thanks for the reminder!