Wednesday, April 8, 2015
CURSE OF THE BLAWG: I KILLED JAMES BEST, IS MANUEL NORIEGA NEXT?
Altho I been dabbled in the dark arts, these days I only mix blood and magick when it involves sex and sugar. I hung up my goblet long ago, but it turns out Ma was right about the pitfalls of the left-hand path: I don't have the strength to control these powers. Roughly two weeks after the Martorialist may or may not have killed a reality-show contestant and one-time Gene Simmons protege sharing his stage name with a diminutive Chicago rapper, I may or may not have killed James Best, the actor behind Rosco P. Coldchain's namesake.
It's like the rap blog version of the Goosebumps where Ryan Gosling finds a camera that predicts death or something, but with more MP3s and a less handsome protagonist (speaking for myself of course). I want to use my power for good. Unfortunately, the namesakes of J. Stalin, 8-Off, and most of the Outlawz are already dead. N.O.R.E. is the only candidate that comes to mind, but frankly I'm Team #freenoriega. The man deserves to enjoy some Bocas del Toro snorkeling one last time before he dies.
That said, I don't care if he lives or dies - 81 is enough. To determine the limits of my hex faculty, I direct you to the only interview that matters and the video where he keeps trying to make "off the yelzebub" happen (it should have) and clowns around in the deli aisle with sausage links and a whole turkey. For my money, "Oh No" is the better second-fiddle Neptunes/N.O.R.E. joint, and its video delivers the visual delights: a cheetah sprinting through the desert, N.O.R.E. in a Bentley parting a sea of gyrating females Red Sea style, a hi-def boxing match(?). And for those of you still waiting for Melvin Flynt, II: Simply Melvin, here's a commercial for the original narrated by Funk Flex. Leading into a Clearasil ad and the beginning of the "Wanna Be A Baller" video, it makes a strong case that thems was better times.