Wednesday, March 11, 2015


Ladies and gentlemen, that publicity shot has not been Photoshopped.  He really is holding a fucking censer in front of a rustic mountain scene, probably dropping an "Ommmm" or two for max godliness.  Who created this monster?  Soundbombing nostalgists?  The same peeps who pushed Saigon's Greatest Story Never Released as the next Illmatic?  The hippie who pays for his weed and ponytail ties sellin spiritual books on the street?

"San Pellegrino With Lemon" and "Dear Moleskine" are two of the corniest titles in rap history, but I gave Jay Downbeat a pass when he dropped that "Exhibit C" fire.  I guess he ran out of Deep Thoughts soon after, cause he took his Moleskine home and floated off into Salingerland.   Like Andre 3000, he's spent over half a decade diddling himself on a bed of laurels.  Except he hasn't earned it. Andre has more classic verses in his catalog than this thrift-store shaman has words.

Part of me hopes he's pulling some highly advanced pompousness-as-performance-art type shit, but there aren't enough punchlines for that to be true.  Doesn't he have any friends to pull him aside and say, "Who the fuck you think you is, Father Yod?  Write some raps!  How you tryin to be Sun Ra when you ain't even got an album out?"  Or do they consider it a privilege just to lick this bogus guru's backpack straps?

"Road To Perdition," released telepathically via ectoplasm, "features" Jay-Z in the same way "Otis" featured Otis Redding.  Guess they're trying to make hubris the new 30, but it just comes off like they're givin 'emselves blowies (I bet Jay Electroclash can do that because he is probably a master at tantric yoga, and also I heard his dick doubles as a hoverboard).  His fans been waiting 47 lunar phases for some new heat and all he has is some played-out punning on Big Daddy Kane and Cain and Abel?  Yo, I also thought that "Grindin" line was hot--when it came out like 15 sun-earth orbital cycles ago.  Arm legga legga...

Jay-Z is the classic chump to fall for a charismatic charlatan like Jay IDM: rich, vapid, and willing to part with his money for the greater cause.  Shouts to L. Ron, I see you Kirtanananda Swami.  Even as I write this, I'm sure Jay Dubstep is in a meditation chamber he built with Roc Nation money, desperately trying to levitate and laughing at how easily he swindled America's favorite hustler.  Watch for Jay Drum 'n' Bass's Electric Circus in 2025.

It's painfully transparent that Jay Electronica is trying to cultivate a reclusive genius aura, but I have no respect for that racket.  I give it to artists who put in the work and manage to produce more than one or two puffed-up event singles a year.  These are rap tunes, not scriptures.  This dude might sip on organic Micronesian breast milk, but he gets rid of it the same way we mere mortals do.  [Ed. note: Jay's reps are telling us he actually gets rid of waste through a sustainable system of suction cups, pulleys, and glitter.  We regret the mistake.]


  1. Remember when this guy was braggin' he was gonna shut radio down before he dropped that unlistenable song with Mobb Deep which sounded like a Vordul b side?

    Fair play, though - him and Kate Rothschild are the most unlikely USA-to-UK interracial couple since Mike Tyson & Aisleyne from Big Brother.

  2. Yes, that's when any good will I had toward the guy turned to a suspicion the emperor had no clothes.

    I'm forever a Tyson apologist, but that Aisleyne broad has terrifying silicons.