2014: THE YEAR FUCKBOY BROKE

It only makes sense my Alice Waters ass is bloggin about 2014 a month and some change after Ryan Seacrest necromanced Dick Clark's spirit in a truly magickal New Years Rockin' Eve, but I adhere to an older process - call it artisanal blogging.  There is but one handmaiden for this sudden outburst of productivity: lovely, nourishing Contempt, whose bitter milk has sustained me for so long.

Fuckboy:  I used to love the word, but now I wince every time I encounter it.  IDK about the exact etymology of the word and ID-really-GAF, but in my recollection it became popular as an inclusive alternative to the irremediable taboo of "fuck nigga."  For understandable reasons, it became a popular term amongst rap fans.  It was fun, succinct, and it packed a punch.

What is a fuckboy?  Essentially, a pussy and a poseur.  Where did it all go wrong?  When the fuckboys started using it.  When did they start using it?  Hard to say, but it reached a breaking point around the time the fuckboys started jizzing all over the decent but highly overrated RUN THE JEWELS album of last year.

NOISEY INTERNS: I just heard the dopest post-chlorophyll ficuscore with my patna dem in a Bushwick loft.  Très on fleek!  Wait till the fuckboys at STEREOGUM choke on this exclusive!

The oversensitive harpies of the Internet cry racist like it's nothing, but that shit is irritating and irresponsible.  But because we talkin' bout rap slang here, the old knock against white ppl appropriating shit has to get some shine. See me after class if you wanna chop it up about the aesthetic merits of appropriation, but the criticism is not wholly out of line in a media age where white ppl are increasingly appropriating a form of subversion once relegated to whispers from the back of the room: talking shit on white people.  Ayo, manifest destiny!  Guess the sky was the limit after Lance and the boys took FUBU.  I feel like a bully in Mask who wanna bust on Eric Stoltz, but he already snappin on himself like a motherfucker and you're just like, "Shit, his Vulcan material is too fresh.  Not even worth it anymore."

Why are white ppl having pissing contests to show how much they hate whitey?  It's like The Exceptional Negro, Part Two: Electric Boogaloo: Whitey's Revenge.  Whatever happened to good old-fashioned white pri--nah, scratch that one.  But like hipster, yuppie, and gentrifier, fuckboy gets thrown around with an alarming lack of irony by the very people it describes.  It's a smug, self-exculpating, pussy-ass way of passing the buck: "I'm not a fuckboy.  They're the fuckboys!"  Embrace your inner fuckboy, you hipster-ass, kale-smoothie-slurpin', crossword-puzzlin' yuppie scumbag fuckboys.

I am a fuckboy, as is anyone who's ever written about rap on the Internet.  I also like kale.  If we rely on an aggregate value system of Fuckboy Rap, we're left with a Gordon Gekko of the streets.  Makes for fun raps, but it's not something your New Favorite Rapper KILLER MIKE would cosign.

Let's put this one to rest, fellow fuckboys.  Let's make 2015 the year fuckboy dies.  Y'all can decide what to do with "on fleek," cause I already washed my hands of that shit.