LIVE REVIEW: PRODIGY CAN TELL YOU WHAT THE '90s WAS LIKE, JOEY BADASS NOT SO MUCH

Miami, LMNT, 2/7/15

When the bell rang out I was the last man standing.  Summoning my inner Vanessa del Rio, I vanquished the competition in an epic Rocky Mountain oyster eating contest.  The next day I was on a plane to Miami bedecked in the finest floral print ensembles, bankrolled with the lavish lucre of my champion testicle-chomping abilities.

Second day there I copped some OG oysters off a one-armed fishman posted up on Flagler, splendid with gold tooths and blurry tats, a silky doo-rag rippling playfully behind him in the east-blowing wind.  I was slurpin hard on the oysters til them shits made me sick, G.  I was makin it rain all over the toilet water, though I must admit his mignonette sauce was on point.

I caught his skeezy ass out on the same corner and we squashed the beef for an industrial-size tub of mignonette sauce and a ticket to that night's Dilla Fest festivities.  By the time I got there, I'd already missed CAMP LO and M1 cause I was at the Versace store buyin out the adult diaper section, fucked outta my skull on Immodium.

MOBB DEEP was supposed to play, but it was just PRODIGY cause HAVOC was sick or some shit.  Guess he ate some of them oysters.  I can't hate on the set tho, cause the li'l old man got some impressive lung stamina.  I seen NAS a couple times and he fuckin collapsed on the ground like the meaningfulness of the songs was just too much to bear, but I knew he was just milkin it for a breather.  That bein said, what do you do at a MOBB DEEP show?  You can't dance to gothic street raps and mean muggin and nodding your head is the exact opposite of having a good time.  The crowd, who looked a streetwear sweatshop exploded, awkwardly put their hands in the air when instructed, but it was half-assed and embarrassing to everyone involved.  You know you're at a rap show when forced hand motions are involved!

The youths went crazy for JOEY BADASS tho, understandable since most of em was fetuses when The Infamous dropped.  I'm not the biggest fan of Mr. BADASS's doctrinaire preservationist antics, and nothing short of a whole album in autotune will change my opinion.  So take it with a grain of salt when I say his performance was like watching someone's little brother bouncing around his bedroom to a BUSTA RHYMES record.

What does it mean when your favorite part of the show was when STATIK SELEKTAH played a snippet of "Let's Ride?"  If Mr. BADASS was doing anything beyond pandering to old heads, it might mean I need to stick to my MIC GERONIMO bootlegs and focus on my 401k.  That's the weird thing about my indifference to Mr. BADASS - I'm too old to think he's doing something new, but not old or cynical enough to be suckered by nostalgia.  In one of his last songs, Mr. BADASS tried to start a moshpit but called all the girls to the front for reasons of safety.  Yo, this dude is jockin the '90s hard - he even tryin to bring riot grrrl back.