Monday, February 29, 2016


Life is terrifying, mane. As Ferris Bueller said in the film Ferris Bueller's Day Off, "Life is short. You come into this world same way you leave it: alone and shrieking. So don't be a pussy, Cameron, pass me the nina." Lately I been pondering on that knowledge Ferris dropped. Outwardly I'm a success. Had sex before. Owner of a fast Chevrolet Camaro. Three time employee of the month at Arby's. But I'm getting old, and I can't help but thinking: What does it all mean? Nothing sounds good except that ol' reality rap: Jacka, Face, Mozzy, Mega, UGK. Deep thinkers who've had their souls dragged through the dirt. I can't appreciate no avant-garde Young Thug yodels right now! I can't listen to Future packaging addiction and vacuum-sealing sadness for entertainment value! Shit is real!

Then there's D-Lo's Tonite Show, which reminds me of bein young and derpin around to the "No Hoe" remix, back when life was simpler and Arby's wasn't making ya boy desecrate his grill with Jalapeno Roast Beef 'n' Cheese sliders. Only other things keepin this cold heart warm are the films of Brian De Palma. I got this VHS full of classic De Palma long takes I labelled BonerJams '03, cause I don't want anyone knowing the only things turning me on these days are self-indulgent cinematographic techniques. Everyone laughs and says, "Oh like that movie," or "Oh you're horny," and they don't know how empty and confused I really am.

So after finishing Snake Eyes for the 15th time and pumping my fist in ecstasy, I knew it was kismet when I dialed up Thizzler and heard D-Lo (joined by Mozzy, Lil Blood, Sleepy D, and JuneOnnaBeat) talkin about siccing the bees on a foe, an obvious reference to Wicker Man (2006). Yeah, clearly Mr. No Hoe has also been enjoying the films of Nicolas Cage lately. When critics talk about "seriousness," they usually mean the work engages the inevitability of death in some way. Mob music and De Palma movies do that, so clearly I'm consuming media properly and have nothing to worry about. My life has meaning. Chuuuuuuuuch!


  1. Tracking shot in Snake Eyes deserved an Oscar the same way D-Lo's It Won't Be Long deserved a Grammy.

    1. Very underrated pieces of media.

  2. this was a good one. talk about rap music HYSTERICAL :)