Peace to all the suckas, hoes and skeezers out there. RAP HYSTERIA! is in the building once again again. Time to do this shit!
Aight, so as erryone knows, 2 CHAINZ been blowin up this year. He's aight and whatever, got some hot guest verses here and there, e.g. "Beez In Da Trap" and that dope line "Coupe the color of mayonnaise" on "Mercy," but most of the time I think he sounds like a drunk Bill Cosby croaking in the gutter. I heard the horrendously titled T.R.U. REALigion mixtape (what's up with his Tru Religion fetish? Them shits is ugly, dogg), and it had some jams on it but nothing life changing.
That said, some dude named Randall Roberts (LA Times) slammed homeboy's debut album. I guess it shouldn't matter what he looks like, but it totally does, so check out this effete ol' herb waxin' long-winded below:
Bitch you wasn't slangin hard wit 2 CHAINZ in the gym! It's cool doe, he's entitled to his opinion. But as if Roberts' floppy indie bangs weren't suspect enough, ol' fuckboy tosses out this credibility shattering line: "But as fellow rap chart lottery winners DMX, Mike Jones and Lil B can attest, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make a mark..."
Is you serious, homey? I'm a LIL B fan, but ok I get it, not for erryone. But DMX? You fuckin kiddin me, son? I know it's askin a lot of a dude with indie bangs to get it, but REAL HIP-HOP HEADS stay pumpin iron to DMX - all shirtless and greased-up and ready to hit the showers (no homo). He wrote "Ruff Ryders Anthem," dogg..."Ruff Ryders Anthem."
Btw, here is his Pazz & Jop ballot from 2011. Dis middle-aged goon voted Ariel Pink, Joanna Newsom, and (I think) a McSweeney's comp as his favorites of '11. Oh yeah, and that BIG BOI record from 2010. Very current, Mr. Music Expert Man.
Randall Roberts, I will grab your indie bangs, stick yo' head in the toilet and swirlie that shit until you agree never to write on RAP MUSIC again. Peace!