LET US REMEMBER: LIL BOOSIE

 

Sup hoodrats?  It's ya boy, back in the building.  As any hip-hop head worth his salted peanuts knows, da god LIL BOOSIE is currently incarcerated on some bullshit.  But yo, even though he look like a lil adorable goblin, homie could spit with the fluidity.

Peep him goin wile in this clip.  Guest appearances by an incapacitated lookin' goon and some goofy-ass randoms at the end.

And please, pray for Boosie.  He is very little and, as you can see in these clips, has a joyous and childlike smile.  I truly fear for the state of his butthole.

FLOPPY HAIRED DORK SLAMS THE NEW 2 CHAINZ ALBUM

Peace to all the suckas, hoes and skeezers out there.  RAP HYSTERIA! is in the building once again again.  Time to do this shit!

Aight, so as erryone knows, 2 CHAINZ been blowin up this year.  He's aight and whatever, got some hot guest verses here and there, e.g. "Beez In Da Trap" and that dope line "Coupe the color of mayonnaise" on "Mercy," but most of the time I think he sounds like a drunk Bill Cosby croaking in the gutter.  I heard the horrendously titled T.R.U. REALigion mixtape (what's up with his Tru Religion fetish?  Them shits is ugly, dogg), and it had some jams on it but nothing life changing.

That said, some dude named Randall Roberts (LA Times) slammed homeboy's debut album.  I guess it shouldn't matter what he looks like, but it totally does, so check out this effete ol' herb waxin' long-winded below:

 

Bitch you wasn't slangin hard wit 2 CHAINZ in the gym!  It's cool doe, he's entitled to his opinion.  But as if Roberts' floppy indie bangs weren't suspect enough, ol' fuckboy tosses out this credibility shattering line: "But as fellow rap chart lottery winners DMX, Mike Jones and Lil B can attest, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to make a mark..."

Is you serious, homey?  I'm a LIL B fan, but ok I get it, not for erryone.  But DMX?  You fuckin kiddin me, son?  I know it's askin a lot of a dude with indie bangs to get it, but REAL HIP-HOP HEADS stay pumpin iron to DMX - all shirtless and greased-up and ready to hit the showers (no homo).  He wrote "Ruff Ryders Anthem," dogg..."Ruff Ryders Anthem."

Btw, here is his Pazz & Jop ballot from 2011.  Dis middle-aged goon voted Ariel Pink, Joanna Newsom, and (I think) a McSweeney's comp as his favorites of '11.  Oh yeah, and that BIG BOI record from 2010.  Very current, Mr. Music Expert Man.

Randall Roberts, I will grab your indie bangs, stick yo' head in the toilet and swirlie that shit until you agree never to write on RAP MUSIC again.  Peace!

IS JAY-Z JOCKING LIL B???

 

Sup gangstas and gangstettes?  Now you might be thinkin, "Oh, he just bein' contrarian, tryin to stir the pot like the annoying little punk he is," but hear me out!

Let's take a look at the history of freestyles.  The freestyle was created in 1995 when BIG L and JAY-Z appeared on the Stretch and Roberto show on WNYU.  Thing was, it wasn't exactly really a freestyle.  Both MC's rhymes were meticulously crafted and the only thing "free" about it was how free they were being with the definition of the word freestyle.

Real freestyles are mad awkward and unpolished.  Peep dis '93 clip of Nas appearing on the very same Stretch and Roberto program.  You can tell his first and last verses are true freestyles cause they so full of mistakes n stutters n shit.  The second verse is perfectly phrased and, not insignificantly, later appeared on "Memory Lane" when Illmatic dropped.  Either he came up with that verse on the spot, or someone's bein fast and loose with the definition of freestyle.

So Jigga is no different.  I bet dude had an arsenal of writtens every time he appeared on the Stretch and Roberto Hip-Hop Program.  Nothing wrong with that.  But LIL B is the first rapper to actually take his real freestyles and put em on record as finished products.

Yeah, Jigga used to freestyle his verses in the studio, but they'd edit that shit to polish the edges.  LIL B leaves his freestyles relatively untouched, blemishes and all.  That's what Jigga does on dis new RICK ROSS joint and you know he's takin pointers from da kid.

I unno just my thoughts.  Not like RICK ROSS didn't already steal LIL B's copyrighted "WOOP WOOP!" JAY-Z, you a swagger jacker and swagger jackers get jacked!

BECOME FACEBOOK FRIENDS WITH TOMMY WRIGHT III

 

Sup you dogass hoes?  Real talk, y'all, if there's one thing ya boy can't stand it's fakes; that extends to people as well as True Religions (I hear ya Keef!).  I was at Mangy Moose the other day, pullin bitches and sellin Oxys to some bitchass tourists, when local rap sensation Snow White came in with his Powder Blu Cru.

I used to be kinda tight with Snow White back in the day.  We'd hit the slopes together and rob tourists for their North Faces and what have you - you know, mad gully gangsta shit!  But since he been poppin off on a statewide level, the fame has gotten to his head.  He didn't even hook me up with a moist towelette when I was bossin on some buffalo wings!  Homeboy, my hands wuz dirty!

Snow White, you got a price on yo head, real talk.  But TOMMY WRIGHT III is a real ass dude.  I listen to his music and think, "Man, I bet me and Tommy would have so much in common.  We are both wandering this crazy road we call Thug Life."  Hit him up on Facebook! 

And Tommy, if you readin this, come on man, unblock me!  I know I been spammin and whatnot, but wait till you hear my demo, homey!

DA NEW ASAP ROCKY IS AIGHT I GUESS

Shit sounds like he's treading water.  Yeah there are some cool parts and whatevs, but overall I ain't fuckin with it like anything on LiveLoveA$AP or even that weird unofficial comp DatPiff had on their website.

I dunno, maybe it's like a Yes or Genesis album or something where I need to listen to it five times at 78 rpm while hittin astral planes on an ayahuasca trip before it actually sinks in?  To be honest doe, the shit reminds me of comin down from ecstasy which is one empty-ass feeling.

ASAP, you my dude n shit, but if you don't come with something hotter next time, I'ma strangle you with an Yves Saint Laurent bowtie.  RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA! has spoken, bitches.

SKAM DUST MAKES ME PROUD TO BE A WIGGER

 

First time I heard SKAM DUST, I thought he was fucking retarded.  Then I realized it was me who was fucking retarded.  Skam Dust is pure brilliance, the kind of shit that makes me wanna sniff glue in an alleyway and stick up tourists for their Salomons (outta towners, stay the FUCK out of Jackson Hole, yaheardme?).

I like how even though the song is only 2 minutes long, half of that is just Skam Dust rambling about how he's gonna "fuckin kill ya!"  Chuuuch!

So listen up Jackson Hole pussy ass tourists: stay the fuck off my block or I'ma hit you with the ratchet while listening to SKAM DUST on my pink iPod shuffle!

THUG MOTIVATION 101: CERTIFIED CLASSIC!

Sup fuckboys?  Yo, while everyone was pullin their sausage to Danger Doom and Kanye's Late Registration, the real goons in Da Jack Hole (Wyoming, stand up!) were blastin YOUNG JEEZY's Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101, taking notes and learning from the master in this introductory course to Thugonomics.  Yafeelme?

Revisionist hoes who hated Get Rich Or Die Tryin' when it came out are clamoring 'bout how that was a classic all of a sudden.  But what about Young Jizzle from the bottom of the map?  This shit defined the transition from the fruity post-Bad Boy sound in the early '00s to that ATL/Southern trap shit.

Y'all remember "trap-hop?"  Some hoes at The Village Voice or Pitchfork were throwin round that wack-ass term before real thugs shot it down.  Chuuuch!

YOUNG GUNZ SAID THEY WOULDN'T STOP, BUT THEY DID

 

What's poppin hoes?  It's ya boy back in dis bitch.  You know how we do.  HYSTERIA time!  Hide ya girl cause I'm finna say, "Hello darling, shall I compare thee to a tight bombass chocha?" to her.

Way back in the Golden Era of hip-hop there was a little collective named State Property.  It consisted of Beanie Sigel and a bunch of miscreants from the Philadelphia area.  One such contingent was the group YOUNG GUNZ, who were Young Chris and Lil Neefy.

They popped off with this hit back in, I dunno, summer '03 and I was doin the Harlem Shake like crazy to this joint.  You couldn't stop me man!  I had the XXL Fubu tracksuit in baby blue and a pair of fresh Dadas to top it all off.  Sometimes I'd even rock a white du-rag so I'd be thugged out to the fullest.

Anyway these dudes fell off hard and last I heard they were dancing in G-Strings for tips.  Sad, they could've been the next Eric B & Rakeem.  Stay in school, kids!

WHAT THE FUCK KINDA NAME IS JOEY BADA$$?

 

So this lil tyke named JOEY BADA$$ comes out and all the old heads are shitting their Depends like, "OMG, this kid's young and he sounds like A Tribe Called Quest!  Real Hip-Hop!" then they farted, watched some "Matlock" and fell asleep in their own drool.  I was like, "Word, definitely don't need to hear that shit."

But I checked it out and it turned out to be aight.  Nice lil melancholy summer vibe to it without being too retrograde, gnomesayin?  It isn't on that wack depressing lyrical lyrical NY shit.  If you gotta compare it to someone I'd say it's got that nice "let's blaze up cause we young" vibe of SOULS OF MISCHIEF.  Not gonna reinvent the wheel or nothin, but fuck I didn't invent no wheel so I can't front.

But really?  Your name is JOEY BADA$$?  Literally the wackest name in the rap game, and we're including JAY ELECTRONICA.  Dawg, you're like 15 years old.  I'm a grown-ass man and I lift weights.  I will beat the everloving shit out of you.

EXTRA! EXTRA! SNOOP LION FUCKIN SUCKS

 

Yeah, this ain't really an unpopular opinion or nothin', but I gotta chirp chirp on this shit.  I actually had high hopes for this.  You know, Snoop has needed to reinvent his image for a long time.  But why couldn't he start doin coke and making gabber tracks instead?  We get it brah, you like weed.  Shit is played out.

And DIPLO, even though he's a lil hipster fuck, he's done some cool shit like that GUCCI MANE remix album a few years back.  Yeah it was hipster bait, but you gotta get the white people to listen somehow right?

Snoop Lion you a fake, and I will beat you with my Rasta hat.

JAY ELECTRONICA IS SOFT, NOT GANGSTA

 

As Tony Yayo says, "We on fiiiiiiyaaaah!" today here at RAP MUSIC HYSTERIA!  I am just very excited to be blogging my thoughts about rap music, because I love rap music like a child who might mug me on the street and/or teach me about the hardened realities of ghetto urban life.  Chuuuch!

Anyway, we all know that JAY ELECTORNICA spits that hot fire, but man what a fuckin feeb.  He's the kind of dude who shaves with Lush shaving cream and drinks that Whole Foods kombucha shit that tastes like pickled ball sweat (no homo).  "Dear Moleskine?" For rilla?  Maybe the gayest song title I've heard in my life.

Anyway homey was porkin some rich bitch named Rotschild in England, which I guess is pretty cool, but this hipster dork definitely would do shit like that.  He probably speaks with an English accent now and eats vegan bangers and mash.

Jay Electornica, you a pussy and I will fight you.

THAT ILL SHIT

What's good gangstas?  I heard this song the other day when I was cruising round Da Jack lookin for bitches.  Just blasting some hip-hop tracks, you know how we do.

Then all of a sudden the radio played these dope murder synths and I was like, "Oh shit, it's poppin!"  I lit up a blunt and enjoyed the sweet sounds of "Pop That," a new song by French Montana, Rick Ross, Little Wayne and Drake.

Oh snap y'all, it's a posse cut!  I haven't heard a dope posse cut in a long time.  THis takes me back to the days of Tribe Called Quest's "Scenario" and Shyhiem's "Soul In The Hole."  What you know about that real hip hop poser?

It also reminds me of that old school New Orleans bounce.  You know Lil Wayne be shoutin out to DJ Jimi n all dem when  he be talkin bout suckin a niggas dick for something!  Takin it back to that Nolia yaheardme?

This shit is tight and I know there be haters and whatever, but check how my man on Youtube lays it out.

You got that playa?  It's a free fuckin country so stop bein a fuckin fascist nazi.

HIP HOP NUMBER ONE BLOG POST!

What's Gucci yall?  Welcome to the hip-hop blog called RAP HYSTERIA.  here we will talk about all sorts of good rap music and sometimes talk about shit that sucks.

First things first, did you hear about Lil Wayne retiring to skateboard?  I think that's really gay.  Lil wayne is cool, but he should stop being such a gaywad and rap songs again.  Oh well just my thoughts.

Also DJ Khaled is being evicted for not paying rent.  I think Khaled is pretty cool and has a sweet presence on songs, but he is also a fat oompa loompa from New Orleans who fronts like he's from Miami.  Or he's from Orlando I dunno.  Anyway I don't doubt he's pretty gangster, but you have to pay that rent my man!

HIP HOP HYSTERIA OUT!