Sunday, July 5, 2015


Me and Lars Ulrich was boolin the other day when he put on the new VINCE STAPLES album.  It is called Summertime '06.  We was both nodding our heads along, but it was more like we was doin it for the other guy's sake, like we was tryin to save face and avoid an awkward confrontation if one of us was really fuckin with it.

After some intense nodding and an exchange of soulful looks that said, "Feelin this shit in my soul," I grabbed his Zune and put on last year's YG album.  We both laughed.  He leapt up outta his Endless Pool, revealing a gorgeously aged Danish body in full nudity, and tossed me a cold Miller Lite straight from the mothafuckin Rubbermaid.

"Man, I thought it was just me.  I like it but I don't love it.  It's a fuckin slog sometimes."

"I feel ya, Lars Whitemon.  He did what he was supposed to do.  I can't really even knock it, except to say I didn't want an album for the critics.  He shoulda followed EARL'S lead and cut the length in half.  Shout out to Earl, puttin out rap Paganicons while all his peers been damaged off The SuburbsThat's why it was so dope Hell Can Wait was an EP.  No one puts out EPs no more, so it was like he was flippin th' bird to the line of thinking that equates length with significance (no homo).  I be hittin the snooze button on these mumblecore interludes n shit.  ROGER WATERS ruined a generation of rappers."

"Yeah bro," said Lars as his droopy cock billowed in the wind.  "It sorta reminded of when we recorded The Black Album with BOB ROCK cause we wanted our Led Zeppelin IV moment.  We got love from critics and mainstream rock 'n' rollers, but we kinda alienated our core followers - the hopeless cretins who moved on to Vulgar Display Of Power now that we was tryin to make timeless artistic statements 'n' shit.  Did I ever tell you about Bob Rock's business cards?  They said, 'If it ain't Bob, it don't Rock.'  That's why we hired him."

"Literally don't know what you're talking about, Skeet Skeet Ulrich," I said. "I don't listen to music where the artists actually play instruments."

I hopped out the Endless Pool and took sips of the Miller Lite as I looked over the Hollywood Hills, wondering if somewhere in Los Feliz James Newsted and his protege were having a similar moment over the new MEEK MILL.  I hoped they were also nude, I hoped they were also drinking domestic beer.

"IDK," Lars said. "Maybe it will grow on you like a staph infection contracted from an improperly chlorinated Endless Pool."


  1. Anthony Faneto was the final nail in the coffin of record collecting.

  2. To be fair tho he did the world a public service in ending that odious habit