Monday, July 6, 2015
MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED BONE THUGS FANTASY
Caught a fellow rap blogger out there the other day. He thought I was just horsin around with my online threats of violence, but the only reason ya boy resort to e-thuggin is cause it allows me to disseminate my thuggery to the masses. Asked around the neighborhood and heard where he buys his quinoa and coconut water. Followed him home all stealthily then when he was opening the door I struck the back of his head wit a brick.
When he woke up he was tied to one of his many IKEA chairs. "What's this all about?" he whimpered. "Please, my family has money! Is it vinyl you want? I have the original pressing of Bongo Rock! How about this lamp? Very rare. The lampshade is made out of the Puerto Rican family who lived in this apartment before me!"
I slapped him in the face with a copy of n+1 lying on his coffee table. "You know what I'm here about. It's about BONE THUGS."
"N-Harmony, motherfucker! You heard of 'em? Back in the day, you and your buddies were so full of hubris. Did you really think you could wipe PAC'S name from the books?"
"H-h-h-his raps weren't polysyllabic enough! People were valuing content over form! They were allowing themselves to be misled by emotion!"
I smashed his face with an unread copy of The Power Broker until his glasses shattered. Then I ground the shards into his eyeballs with each of my thumbs.
"Who the fuck are you to be telling people how to enjoy rap? And then you try to besmirch the Bone Thug legacy, talkin bout Waaaaah 'I Tried' is corny, AKON sucks and Lol they made a song with PHIL COLLINS, how stupid! You can't paint they whole career with that brush! What, you couldn't like em cause some fratboys did? Don't hold that against Bone Thugs! You thought they were gimmicky? If they'd come out today rockin Supreme and Vans you'd be blowin your load."
"But F-f-f-freestyle Fellowship!"
I pulled out my Desert Eagle and stuck it in his mouth. "Don't give me that FREESTYLE FELLOWSHIP bullsheeeeit! You know they took that style and G'd it the fuck up! They tweaked it: that's how culture evolves. Catch up, slowpoke! Tonally and thematically they had nothing in common with the Fellowship, they was Cleveland to the core!"
I cocked back the hammer. "And look at 'em now. They the dark-horse influence for everyone from KENDRICK to the ASAPs, and arguably anyone usin triplets in they raps. Bet you didn't see that coming."
I wiped the tears from his eyes. They were full of terror. "Any last words?" I asked, removing the barrel from his mouth.
"You'll never get away with this!" he shrieked. "I'm a whiiiiiiiite guuuuuuuy!"